Hello, I am new to this site.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 10
Hello, I am new to this site.
Hello,
I am new to the sober recovery site. I have been looking, for some time, for a support group where I can gain some understanding about addiction and feel supported in my experience being married for 13 years to a functioning narcotics addict.
When I met my husband, he presented as an exciting, outgoing guy. We clicked right away and were married 3 months later. I became pregnant right away and it was then that things began to change. He started skipping out any chance he got, saying, "I'm just running to the store" or "a friend of mine needs my help with his car." I noticed him nodding off a lot and when I would ask him, he would say, "I don't know what your talking about. I'm fine." When it started happening at family holidays and my family noticed, I asked him more seriously if something was wrong. I also suggested he see a doctor because I thought something was very wrong. His answer was always, "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm just tired. I work hard all day. There's nothing wrong with me. It's in your imagination." After years of this kind of behavior and years of me believing that I was wrong, I came home from running errands and found him comatose on the couch. Our eight month old son was left wandering through the house alone. When I tried to rouse him, he was out of it. I told him I had had enough of him telling me nothing was wrong. I was furious that he had endangered our son that way. What if something terrible had happened to him? Believe it or not, he continued to deny his problem. He told me he took an oxycontin because he had back pain and that he had no idea that it would affect him that way. He swore to "never let it happen again." I believed him. Not long after, I began to notice the nodding off again and he started skipping out a lot. I began to realize that things were never going to change and so I started giving a lot of thought to leaving. Back and forth I went in my mind and heart until one day, I found him asleep again outside in the yard with our son with the lawn mover running. I told him, after that, that I was leaving him. While he stumbled around the kitchen in his stupor, he kept slurring, "you're not leaving me." I kept reassuring him that I would find a way. Once he came out of it, he apologized and, again, swore that it would never happen again and, again, I believed him. These kinds of situations came again and again and eventually, when our son was about 4, he and I went to stay with a friend and her family. My husband was devastated. He begged us to come home. I insisted that he get help for his drug problem. He finally admitted being addicted to prescription pills and swore to get help. He started going to meetings and we began therapy together and I came home. About 6 months later, we were back to our usual days with him skipping out, money being gone, the nodding off. I became detached. Things got bad again when one day at work I got a call from the bank that my account was overdrawn. I asked how that could be possible since I am diligent about my checkbook. The teller told me that my husband was writing checks against my account. I was furious. I asked them why they were cashing checks that I did not sign. She said they thought it was OK because they knew him. I told her that I hadn't authorized the checks. She suggested I contact the authorities. I considered it for a moment then decided against it. I wasn't going to incarcerate my husband. I left work to confront him and found him on the couch again. When I woke him he was irate, began threatening me and threatening to take our son. Neighbors called the police and the nightmare began. He was pulled over by the police and they found drugs in the car. The spent the night in jail. I thought that for sure this was rock bottom. I insisted he stay with his mother for a while. HE did then soon after we were living together again as he promised to change his life to save our family. Not long after that, things were back to the way they always were. About a yer and a half ago, I left. It tore our family apart and my husband continues, on a daily basis, to blame me for our separation. The guilt I feel is indescribable but I just can't imagine going back. Our son splits his time between us. HE is 12 now and struggles a lot with anger and resentment. My husband tells me that all of that would go away if I brought our family back together. He asks me, "don't I want to make our son's pain go away?" I am truly heart broken and wonder if he is right, but like I said, I can't bring myself to go back to him.
I truly invite any insight you have to my situation. I respect your experience and understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
I am new to the sober recovery site. I have been looking, for some time, for a support group where I can gain some understanding about addiction and feel supported in my experience being married for 13 years to a functioning narcotics addict.
When I met my husband, he presented as an exciting, outgoing guy. We clicked right away and were married 3 months later. I became pregnant right away and it was then that things began to change. He started skipping out any chance he got, saying, "I'm just running to the store" or "a friend of mine needs my help with his car." I noticed him nodding off a lot and when I would ask him, he would say, "I don't know what your talking about. I'm fine." When it started happening at family holidays and my family noticed, I asked him more seriously if something was wrong. I also suggested he see a doctor because I thought something was very wrong. His answer was always, "You don't know what you're talking about. I'm just tired. I work hard all day. There's nothing wrong with me. It's in your imagination." After years of this kind of behavior and years of me believing that I was wrong, I came home from running errands and found him comatose on the couch. Our eight month old son was left wandering through the house alone. When I tried to rouse him, he was out of it. I told him I had had enough of him telling me nothing was wrong. I was furious that he had endangered our son that way. What if something terrible had happened to him? Believe it or not, he continued to deny his problem. He told me he took an oxycontin because he had back pain and that he had no idea that it would affect him that way. He swore to "never let it happen again." I believed him. Not long after, I began to notice the nodding off again and he started skipping out a lot. I began to realize that things were never going to change and so I started giving a lot of thought to leaving. Back and forth I went in my mind and heart until one day, I found him asleep again outside in the yard with our son with the lawn mover running. I told him, after that, that I was leaving him. While he stumbled around the kitchen in his stupor, he kept slurring, "you're not leaving me." I kept reassuring him that I would find a way. Once he came out of it, he apologized and, again, swore that it would never happen again and, again, I believed him. These kinds of situations came again and again and eventually, when our son was about 4, he and I went to stay with a friend and her family. My husband was devastated. He begged us to come home. I insisted that he get help for his drug problem. He finally admitted being addicted to prescription pills and swore to get help. He started going to meetings and we began therapy together and I came home. About 6 months later, we were back to our usual days with him skipping out, money being gone, the nodding off. I became detached. Things got bad again when one day at work I got a call from the bank that my account was overdrawn. I asked how that could be possible since I am diligent about my checkbook. The teller told me that my husband was writing checks against my account. I was furious. I asked them why they were cashing checks that I did not sign. She said they thought it was OK because they knew him. I told her that I hadn't authorized the checks. She suggested I contact the authorities. I considered it for a moment then decided against it. I wasn't going to incarcerate my husband. I left work to confront him and found him on the couch again. When I woke him he was irate, began threatening me and threatening to take our son. Neighbors called the police and the nightmare began. He was pulled over by the police and they found drugs in the car. The spent the night in jail. I thought that for sure this was rock bottom. I insisted he stay with his mother for a while. HE did then soon after we were living together again as he promised to change his life to save our family. Not long after that, things were back to the way they always were. About a yer and a half ago, I left. It tore our family apart and my husband continues, on a daily basis, to blame me for our separation. The guilt I feel is indescribable but I just can't imagine going back. Our son splits his time between us. HE is 12 now and struggles a lot with anger and resentment. My husband tells me that all of that would go away if I brought our family back together. He asks me, "don't I want to make our son's pain go away?" I am truly heart broken and wonder if he is right, but like I said, I can't bring myself to go back to him.
I truly invite any insight you have to my situation. I respect your experience and understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Hello. I am sorry that you are dealing with this, and know that you have come to the right place. Is your child in therapy to help process all of this? Giving him the appropriate support can make a difference. Your child is old enough to know what is going on. I would seek support for myself and also for the child that is involved. Do not let your husband guilt you into thinking that you tore the family apart. You are trying to save yourself and your son. Do you have a professional that you speak with? What about a support group? ALANON? Keep yourself safe, and keep walking. You are deserving of a healthy life. The friends and family section on this site is very supportive. ((Hug)) to you. Keep posting.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
don't I want to make our son's pain go away?" I am truly heart broken and wonder if he is right
No, he is dead wrong on this one. YOur son's pain is the result of your husband's drug problem, not the breakup of the family. As was said in a movie long ago; "better to come from a broken home than to live in one."
Ignore his ranting. He's an addict and won't give up his habit until HE wants to. Best to stay away from him and his addiction. Sounds like he's more trouble than he's worth.
Hugs for you!
We have a special forum for people like you. Give it a look and post your situation there for more insight.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Papillon, you are not alone. Please do take some time and go to the friends and family area of the forum that Least provided a link for. Many there have walked in your shoes, and you'll start to get a glimpse of REALITY, not the world of lies, doubts and confusion you have been living in for all these years.
Again, you are not alone, and this forum can be a tremendous source of help for you, but I would strongly second the recommendation to get to an in-person Alanon meeting as soon as you can. Actual face-to-face contact, support and education will really make a difference.
You and your son deserve much, much better.
Wishing you peace and clarity in this time of trouble.
Again, you are not alone, and this forum can be a tremendous source of help for you, but I would strongly second the recommendation to get to an in-person Alanon meeting as soon as you can. Actual face-to-face contact, support and education will really make a difference.
You and your son deserve much, much better.
Wishing you peace and clarity in this time of trouble.
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