Reality - Please bear with me (LONG)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 291
Reality - Please bear with me (LONG)
I posted early this morning about temptation. Everyone has warned me that in the early day's of sobriety the feeling of invicibility and euphoria keeps us sober. I have also been warned that the evil voice would eventually return and tempt us. I had that evil voice terribly last night and it is still here this morning, even though I cherish and brace sobriety.
I am going to find a therapist/counselor who specializes in addiction. I know this is the only way to work this out for me. The amazing support on SR has been a life-saver and AA also helps, but there is somethings inside me that just has to be resolved and only I can do it.
I have posted a few details about my life, but not all of it. Here it is - all disclosed - the good the bad and the ugly. Comment as you wish, I can handle critics, supporters and just the plain damn truth.
- Wonderful childhool - great parents.
- Mother passed in 1994 from complications of diabetes/kidney failure. She was the best Mother one could ask for. She had an alcoholic Father who was abusive and resolved to be the best parent possible. She exceeded that and more.
- 10 years (1990's) of supporting SIL and BIL with 4 kids because of Meth Addiction
- BIL (meth addict) and Grandmother passed in 1999. My Grandmother lived with my family since 1983 and helped me raise my daughter. God bless her sole. Loved my BIL faults and all.
- Father diagnosed with Kidney Cancer in 2003
- SIL and kids moved in again in 2005 due to her job loss and Meth addiction
- 2005 began drinking wine socially to deal with stress and also because it was common in my new neighborhood
- 2006 Father's Kidney Cancer spread to brain and liver. He was not a drinker or smoker.
- December, 2006 lost my Dad and the best person on earth to cancer. Part of me died that day.
- 2007 my Brothers alcoholism is raging out of control. We were extremely close and worked together at same company since 1984. He had an alcoholic seizure at work two months after our Father's passing.
- 2007-2010 my drinking became progressively worse and no way to hide it.
- February 2010 lost my job of 26 years because of alcohol. No one there wanted to confront me on my issues as we were friends and "family". Brother contributed to my job loss because I blamed him for his bitch of a wife and his lifetime of drinking. Could not see my own problems.
- April 2010 - greatest thing ever - my Grandson was born
- December 2010 - Months without contact with my Brother. Still blamed him for drinking and job loss. Found out later his wife hit him with divorce papers on December 20th.
- January 2011 my Brother committed suicide in a hotel room with a bottle of whiskey by his side. A part of me died again and this time I lost the will to live but did not want to die.
- August, 2011 spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for PTSD and depression. Yeah right, I was an and still am an alcoholic without a coping mechanism.
- 2011 my daughter abandoned her son (my Grandson) and decided she wanted to party and have fun. She see's her son maybe once or twice a year and he misses her so much. Thank God for his Father who provides a safe and healthy environment for him. I suspect my daughter is Bipolar, drinking and doing drugs.
- November, 2011 Thanksgiving Day - 80 yr old Father-in-Law killed in car crash coming home from an AA meeting for Thanksgiving dinner. In previous posts I told about his 40 years of sobriety and how he helped many but to his sadness could not help me. He lived with us for 15 years and was my biggest supporter.
That day, on Thanksgiving of all days, I was raging drunk and did not want to be with family and put down by all. I stupidly went on a drunken binge and went to Michigan to drink with my best friend. Screw family and their put downs.
When he crashed his car that day the Police only had my number as his emergency contact. I was passed out drunk and they did not reach me to let the family know his was airlifted to hospital. Police came twice to our house. He was dead when the family I left behind arrived at the hospital. I let everyone down that day and still have not recovered from my selfishness.
- 2011 til 2013 continued to drink heavily and finally got the wake up call. Lab reports along with physical health reared it's ugly head on my drinking.
If you have continued reading this post to this point - On April 15, 2013 I quit drinking for good. No longer want that life. Drinking sneaks up slowly but robs us of happiness success and most of all family/friends. Determined to not drink, but also admit I am a hopeless alcoholic who needs to work on herself.
You will see a lot of me and I will continue to give my opinion and advice but I am also struggling. I might struggle for a lifetime which is OK, I like the battle, but I also want some peace and self forgiveness. That is why I am going to also add a professional addiction counselor to my support group.
The inner demon needs to be tamed and controlled. I have written this out to show the Counselor my true feelings and not gloss over the reality.
I am going to find a therapist/counselor who specializes in addiction. I know this is the only way to work this out for me. The amazing support on SR has been a life-saver and AA also helps, but there is somethings inside me that just has to be resolved and only I can do it.
I have posted a few details about my life, but not all of it. Here it is - all disclosed - the good the bad and the ugly. Comment as you wish, I can handle critics, supporters and just the plain damn truth.
- Wonderful childhool - great parents.
- Mother passed in 1994 from complications of diabetes/kidney failure. She was the best Mother one could ask for. She had an alcoholic Father who was abusive and resolved to be the best parent possible. She exceeded that and more.
- 10 years (1990's) of supporting SIL and BIL with 4 kids because of Meth Addiction
- BIL (meth addict) and Grandmother passed in 1999. My Grandmother lived with my family since 1983 and helped me raise my daughter. God bless her sole. Loved my BIL faults and all.
- Father diagnosed with Kidney Cancer in 2003
- SIL and kids moved in again in 2005 due to her job loss and Meth addiction
- 2005 began drinking wine socially to deal with stress and also because it was common in my new neighborhood
- 2006 Father's Kidney Cancer spread to brain and liver. He was not a drinker or smoker.
- December, 2006 lost my Dad and the best person on earth to cancer. Part of me died that day.
- 2007 my Brothers alcoholism is raging out of control. We were extremely close and worked together at same company since 1984. He had an alcoholic seizure at work two months after our Father's passing.
- 2007-2010 my drinking became progressively worse and no way to hide it.
- February 2010 lost my job of 26 years because of alcohol. No one there wanted to confront me on my issues as we were friends and "family". Brother contributed to my job loss because I blamed him for his bitch of a wife and his lifetime of drinking. Could not see my own problems.
- April 2010 - greatest thing ever - my Grandson was born
- December 2010 - Months without contact with my Brother. Still blamed him for drinking and job loss. Found out later his wife hit him with divorce papers on December 20th.
- January 2011 my Brother committed suicide in a hotel room with a bottle of whiskey by his side. A part of me died again and this time I lost the will to live but did not want to die.
- August, 2011 spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for PTSD and depression. Yeah right, I was an and still am an alcoholic without a coping mechanism.
- 2011 my daughter abandoned her son (my Grandson) and decided she wanted to party and have fun. She see's her son maybe once or twice a year and he misses her so much. Thank God for his Father who provides a safe and healthy environment for him. I suspect my daughter is Bipolar, drinking and doing drugs.
- November, 2011 Thanksgiving Day - 80 yr old Father-in-Law killed in car crash coming home from an AA meeting for Thanksgiving dinner. In previous posts I told about his 40 years of sobriety and how he helped many but to his sadness could not help me. He lived with us for 15 years and was my biggest supporter.
That day, on Thanksgiving of all days, I was raging drunk and did not want to be with family and put down by all. I stupidly went on a drunken binge and went to Michigan to drink with my best friend. Screw family and their put downs.
When he crashed his car that day the Police only had my number as his emergency contact. I was passed out drunk and they did not reach me to let the family know his was airlifted to hospital. Police came twice to our house. He was dead when the family I left behind arrived at the hospital. I let everyone down that day and still have not recovered from my selfishness.
- 2011 til 2013 continued to drink heavily and finally got the wake up call. Lab reports along with physical health reared it's ugly head on my drinking.
If you have continued reading this post to this point - On April 15, 2013 I quit drinking for good. No longer want that life. Drinking sneaks up slowly but robs us of happiness success and most of all family/friends. Determined to not drink, but also admit I am a hopeless alcoholic who needs to work on herself.
You will see a lot of me and I will continue to give my opinion and advice but I am also struggling. I might struggle for a lifetime which is OK, I like the battle, but I also want some peace and self forgiveness. That is why I am going to also add a professional addiction counselor to my support group.
The inner demon needs to be tamed and controlled. I have written this out to show the Counselor my true feelings and not gloss over the reality.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Thank you Living. I think adding the addiction counselor is a great idea to support your sober life. You certainly do deserve forgiveness of self & peace.
I know the cravings are awful at first. I hope you are feeding your body lots of good stuff & some treats too. It does help to have adequate nutrition.
Very best wishes for you
I know the cravings are awful at first. I hope you are feeding your body lots of good stuff & some treats too. It does help to have adequate nutrition.
Very best wishes for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 291
Addiction is such a horrible a burden on oneself and those who love us. I am doing all I can to fight it and reaching out for support.
I know (at least think) I can beat this, but I do need support. A lyric from my all time favorite band - "Aint to proud to beg sweet darling". I beg for sobriety, forgiveness, self love and moving forward.
Life long journey ahead and I got to get my butt in gear for it. THANK YOU ALL! I need you in my life for support.
I know (at least think) I can beat this, but I do need support. A lyric from my all time favorite band - "Aint to proud to beg sweet darling". I beg for sobriety, forgiveness, self love and moving forward.
Life long journey ahead and I got to get my butt in gear for it. THANK YOU ALL! I need you in my life for support.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Not really sure how spiritual you are, but I read recently the first prayer is often a scream for help. Whatever your beliefs, I think we gain a whole lot by remaining open to the fact that ..yup, we need HELP and allow the support, wisdom, helping hands, cosmic winks..whatever answers to our cry arrive and be gifts to us...because I truly believe it all comes when we ask
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 291
Nuudawn - thank you for replying. I am a very spiritual person. Born and raised Protestant, converted to Catholicism upon marriage (but also grew up in it on my Mother's side). I pray daily for peace and forgiveness.
I am sad to admit that I have even gone to Mass drunk. Lighted candles to my dear deceased family and I know it works because I am still here.
The God I know is forgiving. I do not go to Church regularly, because I have a hard time acceping the man made rules they interupt. I truly love everyone and can accept all people except those who abuse children, animals and the elderly.
I do not care who you love and choose as a partner. Love is so hard to find and I am blessed to be married to the man of my dreams for 27 years. Who am I to tell someone that if they fall in love with someone from the same sex that it is wrong? Love is beautiful and I doubt the God I believe in would deny someone happiness.
My problem is that I have not accepted God's forgiveness. The Higher Power that is taught in AA has not yet reached my core being. I have one living person on my side of the family and we are not close - My Uncle. The alcoholic in me blames them, but in truth, they knew my brother went missing on a Tuesday and I was not notified. He was found on a Saturday.
Forgiveness is definitely an issue I need to work on.
Thank you again for the support.
I am sad to admit that I have even gone to Mass drunk. Lighted candles to my dear deceased family and I know it works because I am still here.
The God I know is forgiving. I do not go to Church regularly, because I have a hard time acceping the man made rules they interupt. I truly love everyone and can accept all people except those who abuse children, animals and the elderly.
I do not care who you love and choose as a partner. Love is so hard to find and I am blessed to be married to the man of my dreams for 27 years. Who am I to tell someone that if they fall in love with someone from the same sex that it is wrong? Love is beautiful and I doubt the God I believe in would deny someone happiness.
My problem is that I have not accepted God's forgiveness. The Higher Power that is taught in AA has not yet reached my core being. I have one living person on my side of the family and we are not close - My Uncle. The alcoholic in me blames them, but in truth, they knew my brother went missing on a Tuesday and I was not notified. He was found on a Saturday.
Forgiveness is definitely an issue I need to work on.
Thank you again for the support.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I feel for your situation and your tragic losses. Over two years i have come to accept that sometimes it will be tough, and that the awareness and acceptance of that is enough to help. I have learnt enough not to make it worse by struggling and fighting. Soetimes these periods have obvious precipitants, sometimes they don't. All things pass, it can be beyond our control.
I have found reading some self help books on mindfulness helpful. I have learned there ae other things i can focus on other than my problems and ideas churning through my mind. With practice it helps.
I have found reading some self help books on mindfulness helpful. I have learned there ae other things i can focus on other than my problems and ideas churning through my mind. With practice it helps.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Living 
I posted early this morning about temptation. Everyone has warned me that in the early day's of sobriety the feeling of invicibility and euphoria keeps us sober. I have also been warned that the evil voice would eventually return and tempt us. I had that evil voice terribly last night and it is still here this morning, even though I cherish and brace sobriety.
I am going to find a therapist/counselor who specializes in addiction. I know this is the only way to work this out for me. The amazing support on SR has been a life-saver and AA also helps, but there is somethings inside me that just has to be resolved and only I can do it.
I have posted a few details about my life, but not all of it. Here it is - all disclosed - the good the bad and the ugly. Comment as you wish, I can handle critics, supporters and just the plain damn truth.
- Wonderful childhool - great parents.
- Mother passed in 1994 from complications of diabetes/kidney failure. She was the best Mother one could ask for. She had an alcoholic Father who was abusive and resolved to be the best parent possible. She exceeded that and more.
- 10 years (1990's) of supporting SIL and BIL with 4 kids because of Meth Addiction
- BIL (meth addict) and Grandmother passed in 1999. My Grandmother lived with my family since 1983 and helped me raise my daughter. God bless her sole. Loved my BIL faults and all.
- Father diagnosed with Kidney Cancer in 2003
- SIL and kids moved in again in 2005 due to her job loss and Meth addiction
- 2005 began drinking wine socially to deal with stress and also because it was common in my new neighborhood
- 2006 Father's Kidney Cancer spread to brain and liver. He was not a drinker or smoker.
- December, 2006 lost my Dad and the best person on earth to cancer. Part of me died that day.
- 2007 my Brothers alcoholism is raging out of control. We were extremely close and worked together at same company since 1984. He had an alcoholic seizure at work two months after our Father's passing.
- 2007-2010 my drinking became progressively worse and no way to hide it.
- February 2010 lost my job of 26 years because of alcohol. No one there wanted to confront me on my issues as we were friends and "family". Brother contributed to my job loss because I blamed him for his bitch of a wife and his lifetime of drinking. Could not see my own problems.
- April 2010 - greatest thing ever - my Grandson was born
- December 2010 - Months without contact with my Brother. Still blamed him for drinking and job loss. Found out later his wife hit him with divorce papers on December 20th.
- January 2011 my Brother committed suicide in a hotel room with a bottle of whiskey by his side. A part of me died again and this time I lost the will to live but did not want to die.
- August, 2011 spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for PTSD and depression. Yeah right, I was an and still am an alcoholic without a coping mechanism.
- 2011 my daughter abandoned her son (my Grandson) and decided she wanted to party and have fun. She see's her son maybe once or twice a year and he misses her so much. Thank God for his Father who provides a safe and healthy environment for him. I suspect my daughter is Bipolar, drinking and doing drugs.
- November, 2011 Thanksgiving Day - 80 yr old Father-in-Law killed in car crash coming home from an AA meeting for Thanksgiving dinner. In previous posts I told about his 40 years of sobriety and how he helped many but to his sadness could not help me. He lived with us for 15 years and was my biggest supporter.
That day, on Thanksgiving of all days, I was raging drunk and did not want to be with family and put down by all. I stupidly went on a drunken binge and went to Michigan to drink with my best friend. Screw family and their put downs.
When he crashed his car that day the Police only had my number as his emergency contact. I was passed out drunk and they did not reach me to let the family know his was airlifted to hospital. Police came twice to our house. He was dead when the family I left behind arrived at the hospital. I let everyone down that day and still have not recovered from my selfishness.
- 2011 til 2013 continued to drink heavily and finally got the wake up call. Lab reports along with physical health reared it's ugly head on my drinking.
If you have continued reading this post to this point - On April 15, 2013 I quit drinking for good. No longer want that life. Drinking sneaks up slowly but robs us of happiness success and most of all family/friends. Determined to not drink, but also admit I am a hopeless alcoholic who needs to work on herself.
You will see a lot of me and I will continue to give my opinion and advice but I am also struggling. I might struggle for a lifetime which is OK, I like the battle, but I also want some peace and self forgiveness. That is why I am going to also add a professional addiction counselor to my support group.
The inner demon needs to be tamed and controlled. I have written this out to show the Counselor my true feelings and not gloss over the reality.
I am going to find a therapist/counselor who specializes in addiction. I know this is the only way to work this out for me. The amazing support on SR has been a life-saver and AA also helps, but there is somethings inside me that just has to be resolved and only I can do it.
I have posted a few details about my life, but not all of it. Here it is - all disclosed - the good the bad and the ugly. Comment as you wish, I can handle critics, supporters and just the plain damn truth.
- Wonderful childhool - great parents.
- Mother passed in 1994 from complications of diabetes/kidney failure. She was the best Mother one could ask for. She had an alcoholic Father who was abusive and resolved to be the best parent possible. She exceeded that and more.
- 10 years (1990's) of supporting SIL and BIL with 4 kids because of Meth Addiction
- BIL (meth addict) and Grandmother passed in 1999. My Grandmother lived with my family since 1983 and helped me raise my daughter. God bless her sole. Loved my BIL faults and all.
- Father diagnosed with Kidney Cancer in 2003
- SIL and kids moved in again in 2005 due to her job loss and Meth addiction
- 2005 began drinking wine socially to deal with stress and also because it was common in my new neighborhood
- 2006 Father's Kidney Cancer spread to brain and liver. He was not a drinker or smoker.
- December, 2006 lost my Dad and the best person on earth to cancer. Part of me died that day.
- 2007 my Brothers alcoholism is raging out of control. We were extremely close and worked together at same company since 1984. He had an alcoholic seizure at work two months after our Father's passing.
- 2007-2010 my drinking became progressively worse and no way to hide it.
- February 2010 lost my job of 26 years because of alcohol. No one there wanted to confront me on my issues as we were friends and "family". Brother contributed to my job loss because I blamed him for his bitch of a wife and his lifetime of drinking. Could not see my own problems.
- April 2010 - greatest thing ever - my Grandson was born
- December 2010 - Months without contact with my Brother. Still blamed him for drinking and job loss. Found out later his wife hit him with divorce papers on December 20th.
- January 2011 my Brother committed suicide in a hotel room with a bottle of whiskey by his side. A part of me died again and this time I lost the will to live but did not want to die.
- August, 2011 spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for PTSD and depression. Yeah right, I was an and still am an alcoholic without a coping mechanism.
- 2011 my daughter abandoned her son (my Grandson) and decided she wanted to party and have fun. She see's her son maybe once or twice a year and he misses her so much. Thank God for his Father who provides a safe and healthy environment for him. I suspect my daughter is Bipolar, drinking and doing drugs.
- November, 2011 Thanksgiving Day - 80 yr old Father-in-Law killed in car crash coming home from an AA meeting for Thanksgiving dinner. In previous posts I told about his 40 years of sobriety and how he helped many but to his sadness could not help me. He lived with us for 15 years and was my biggest supporter.
That day, on Thanksgiving of all days, I was raging drunk and did not want to be with family and put down by all. I stupidly went on a drunken binge and went to Michigan to drink with my best friend. Screw family and their put downs.
When he crashed his car that day the Police only had my number as his emergency contact. I was passed out drunk and they did not reach me to let the family know his was airlifted to hospital. Police came twice to our house. He was dead when the family I left behind arrived at the hospital. I let everyone down that day and still have not recovered from my selfishness.
- 2011 til 2013 continued to drink heavily and finally got the wake up call. Lab reports along with physical health reared it's ugly head on my drinking.
If you have continued reading this post to this point - On April 15, 2013 I quit drinking for good. No longer want that life. Drinking sneaks up slowly but robs us of happiness success and most of all family/friends. Determined to not drink, but also admit I am a hopeless alcoholic who needs to work on herself.
You will see a lot of me and I will continue to give my opinion and advice but I am also struggling. I might struggle for a lifetime which is OK, I like the battle, but I also want some peace and self forgiveness. That is why I am going to also add a professional addiction counselor to my support group.
The inner demon needs to be tamed and controlled. I have written this out to show the Counselor my true feelings and not gloss over the reality.
What a wild ride you have had. So much tragedy and loss, I cant imagine. Im SO proud, SOOOO proud of you for stepping up after all of that and deciding to live a better life. These are the kind of posts I live for, because they are so inspirational. If you can do this, so can others reading this post. I applaud you for the changes you are making, and I wish you the best of luck and wellness in your new life.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: rural bush Alaska
Posts: 122
Thank you for posting, Living. I agree- you are very strong and determined to overcome what life has given you. We're all here for support, and good luck finding the right therapist. I wish you well.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
God bless you Living
There is no doubt about God's forgiveness. And more that - we are not just forgiven but, as you know, at mass we echo the words of John the Baptist and say each week "Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world". We are cleansed to the very core of our being, and not because we've done anything to deserve it (often quite the contrary), but because of God's infinite love and grace.
Have you ever read the "ragamuffin gospel" by Berman Manning, an ex-alcoholic priest. It's such a simple, lovely, powerful book on how the Gospel is so much good news to us 'ragamuffins' (not something we always clearly hear in Church). Richard Rohr's book "breathing under water" is also very good, very affirming. He is a Franciscan priest and connects the 12 steps to our faith. He sees a real affirmation of the Gospel in the lives of alcoholics and in AA. Both of those writers are on the fringe of the Church, but to me at least, really "get" both the problems of alcoholics and the unending love and mercy of our Lord.
God bless you for sharing your heart-breaking story +
There is no doubt about God's forgiveness. And more that - we are not just forgiven but, as you know, at mass we echo the words of John the Baptist and say each week "Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world". We are cleansed to the very core of our being, and not because we've done anything to deserve it (often quite the contrary), but because of God's infinite love and grace.
Have you ever read the "ragamuffin gospel" by Berman Manning, an ex-alcoholic priest. It's such a simple, lovely, powerful book on how the Gospel is so much good news to us 'ragamuffins' (not something we always clearly hear in Church). Richard Rohr's book "breathing under water" is also very good, very affirming. He is a Franciscan priest and connects the 12 steps to our faith. He sees a real affirmation of the Gospel in the lives of alcoholics and in AA. Both of those writers are on the fringe of the Church, but to me at least, really "get" both the problems of alcoholics and the unending love and mercy of our Lord.
God bless you for sharing your heart-breaking story +
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 337
Thank you for sharing - do you see the strength in you that I do after reading this? Forgiveness is a wonderful thing - and please work on this as you say, but you also need to forgive yourself. Take responsibility for your actions but then forgive. Keep strong Living.
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