UnseenLight

I joined this site about 2 months ago to make my first post about a particularly depressing drinking binge and I made it to about 14 days before going back to binge drinking every weekend. I typically start on Saturday and end on Monday. I am now in summer classes that have me going to class 5 days a week. Somehow I made it to my classes on Monday, though I barely remember it. On Tuesday I woke up in a pile on the floor and had enough strength to drag myself to the fridge and fill up my cup from the box of wine that was in there. My last drink (I hope). What a brutal reminder of what my relationship with alcohol is like. I must have simply passed out in my chair, slid to the floor, and remained there for the night. And my first instinct in the morning is to literally drag myself to the fridge, fill my cup, and drink it, all without even bothering to sit up. I skipped class that day, but I returned yesterday (Wed.) and I'm going to try to start over again. I read my old thread and remember how good it felt to have those days of sobriety and how depressed I feel after I come off of a binge. I like myself when I don't drink, but after drinking I feel like a complete waste of life. Maybe that's why all of my drinking is done alone in the privacy of my little apartment.

Anyway, I'm going to try again. I really need to do this. I felt a lot of support last time from everyone and I see it again on the other posts I've been reading since last night. I don't know why I chose to ruin what sober time I had, but I hope to not make the same mistakes again. Thanks for reading.

Nighthawk8820

Nope, you need to take your recovery more seriously if you want it to work. This means you may need to take some time off of school and separate yourself from your current life right now. Can you go home to your parents? If not, then you may want to think about getting into an in-patient treatment program.Also, why did you have wine in the fridge if you were hoping to not drink? You cant live the exact same life, and just try removing the alcohol, and expect it to work out. There are too many routines, triggers, and things like that. Recovery is a very in-depth process and you need to take some personal time to really get better and build up some momentum. I really want this to be a success for you, because I know first hand the desperation you feel and the desire to change your life. Think about what I said, if its not an option, then perhaps you can look at some other options.

Nuudawn

"I like myself when I don't drink"....amen to that. I too wonder why I sabotage myself when doing well. Why I'm seduced by the same old nasty vices that make me hate myself...that keep me stuck in the same rut I've been trying to get out of for over 20 years. I'm on Day 5.and it's not be an easy one. I know tomorrow will be easier as I'm back to work and around people. I spent the day alone...mostly on here. I had plans for today and they didn't work out...and thats probably a good thing.

You had 2 weeks..what happened when you picked up? What was going on?

UnseenLight

I go days without drinking all of the time, but it tends not to go beyond week. I had wine because I bought it specifically to drink alone in my apartment that weekend. That box that I drank from on Tuesday was actually my second box and in between those two boxes was a few beers and an additional bottle of wine. I don't know why I bought the first one, but I know why THAT box was in my fridge. Because once I start I don't stop until I wake up in pain and am forced to deal with reality. After that, I have a few good days and the cycle tends to repeat the following weekend. I can't move home, but I can and will explore other options. Thanks for your response and for reading my post. I appreciate it.

UnseenLight

You sounds exactly how I feel. Congrats on reaching Day 5! And thanks for taking the time to reply. I don't know what caused me to but that first drink after being sober for that long. Nothing bad, I know. I wasn't depressed or having a bad day. It was a nice day and I had nothing to do so I decided to waste it for some reason. I wish I could justify myself here, but I really don't know. I just have a problem, I guess.

Dee74

Welcome back UnseenLight

D

instant

I felt really drained reading your post, it reminded me of that sinking feeling I used to get waking up with the prospect of facing a day of struggle, knowing I was trapped on the hamster wheel.

It can be over, for me that meant embracing sobriety unconditionally. When i felt good and on top of things again thats when the cycle started again.

Rebelives

That is EXACTLY the same for me, its a real trigger, as soon as I feel right with the world and confident again I grab a drink..

Nonsensical

I fixed your post up a little.

Alcohol addiction is a real pain in the a$$, isn't it? Let's stop choosing to ruin our sobriety. We can do this!

UnseenLight

Thank you, Dee. I really appreciate it. If feels good to be back.

UnseenLight

Yeah, class really sucked on Wednesday. Yesterday was bad too, but better, and I'm sure today will be an improvement as well. Dragging yourself back to the real world from a long binge is never fun. Recovering at home is no fun either, but I find it better than going out in public and trying to pretend that everything is alright.

And of course there's that creeping feeling that shows up after a few days or weeks that says "look how well you're doing, have yourself a drink. It'll be fine". Then a few days later you're waking up in pain again with few memories of what got you there. It's no way to live. Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it.

UnseenLight

Thanks, Nonsensical! Much better! I appreciate the support. I believe we can do it too!

UnseenLight

Morning of day 3 now! I didn't sleep well, but it's improved a little bit and I do feel more rested. I'm going to take it easy today and after school, I'm going to hit up the beach and swim for a few hours then maybe go see a movie tonight. Last time my first weekend was kind of tough, but I still haven't gotten over feeling like crap from my last session, so I don't have any desire to be around any alcohol. Cravings for me don't kick in till the hangover has passed so at least there's that, I guess.

carlyle

That is exactly where I fall and i do not know how to break it. I have been over a couple months a few time before and then a great day on the lake with a rod in my hand and it feels good. two weeks later i am back to drinking every night.

UnseenLight

Sorry to hear, carlyle. Aside from periods of forced sobriety while in Army (basic training, deployment to Iraq, and time "in the field"), I haven't gone more than two weeks without a drink since I was in High School. There are a few times where I don't overdo it, but for the most part, I drink as if it's a race even though I'm the only contestant. I hope both of us can work through our problems and truly quit. I know we can if we try. Thanks for your reply, and know that myself and many other people on this site are here to help as much as we can whether through encouraging words or just sharing our problems.