lilac0721

I almost didn't want to come back here. I've been on SR since June 2010. I've put together a few weeks even a month of sobriety here and there. But I keep picking up the damn bottle. It is pretty pathetic and I didn't want anyone to know I started drinking yet again. But I have found tremendous support and encouragement here on SR, and I need that. So here I am, back after going "back out" to the drinking world.

This time wasn't nearly as bad as other times I've gone "back out." there were no day-long (or multi-day long) binges to make myself completely numb. I started a new job in March, after having gone 4 months without being paid for my last contract job in a profession that I didn't like. I love my new job. I've been exercising more. I've run my first 10k since (first race since high school, which was over 20 years ago) and participated in a charity bike ride. I'm doing better and am overall much happier than I was in January of this year. But i've been drinking. Some weeks, not much at all, just a couple of beers on the weekend. What I have noticed is that when I have those couple of beers on the weekend, I want to have a couple of vodka drinks every day. So for the past 2-3 weeks, I've had a few (2-4) vodka drinks every night. One day last weekend, and yesterday, I drank to get numb. That's not good. And I've been hiding it from my husband. And drinking has taken priority over my health and fitness goals (I didn't work out at all last week). The drinks are too much a focus in my life, and that is not what I want for myself.

I have learned a lot, and this past period of drinking is far less self-destructive than previous bouts with the bottle, but it is not what I want for myself. I have finally come out of my shell, started allowing myself to be around people again, started DOING things (like the 10k and the bike event), and have gotten myself into the career field that I've been wanting to go into for a long time. I don't want to screw it up.

So today is day 1. A different type of day 1 than in the past. A day 1 where I am not feeling guilty or ashamed of binges, but a day 1 where I am excited about how far I've come and acknowledging that alcohol has no place in my life as I move forward in living life for myself rather than to please others.

soberclover

I had to learn myself by trying to drink in moderation that in the end it doesn't work. There were period of sanity and then it became insane. It is so true that doing new thngs and being involved in life is key to sobriety. We are only as sick of our secrets and it sounds like you don't want to have to keep your drinking a secret any longer. Keep focused on your goals!

Sinderos

Your post has given me hope. Thank you for posting.

BecomingSober

If you have to drink-drink less. But the goal is not to drink at all. You have come out to live more and that is a good thing. In my case drinking makes me want to hide. In hiding, I just am not engaged in life. And we all have something to offer.

Hevyn

I'm glad you came back to discuss it, lilac. I agree with soberclover - we can have periods of sanity, but the danger of it becoming unmanageable is huge. You have excellent goals - and we already know alcohol steals our vitality and spirit. You don't need it.

Dee74

Welcome back Lilac - good to see you

It's great that you're excited and accepting that alcohol has no place in your life.

Whats your plan to keep it that way?

D

OneLessLonely

Glad to see you back lilac. Really happy to hear about your new job. It sounds like you really want sobriety and really believe you can do it, which is a huge jumping off point. Stay close to SR and keep posting especially when you're struggling, before you pick up the drink.

oak

Lilac- I know it is hard, but it is possible to quit for good.

Your post reminds me a lot of how I drank.

Keep posting. Surround yourself with as much support as you need.

least

Welcome back! I'm glad you're giving it another go.

lilac0721

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. Certainly, from a harm reduction standpoint, the fact that I am overall drinking less and more focused on goals and enjoying my new work (I wouldn't dare miss a day by drowning myself in drink, unlike in my last profession) is progress. But I know in my heart of hearts that alcohol and I need to sever our ties.

The weird thing is that it scares me at the same time that it excites me to think of a life without alcohol.

instant

Lilac. it's a journey- I am glad you are here.