My Story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1
My Story
Hello all- I am new to this forum, and wanted to share my personal struggle with my addiction to prescription pain killers. I want to post my story, in case anyone out there may be going through the same thing. If only one person is touched by my story, that's what matters.
It began in December of 2011. I opted to have a gastric bypass procedure because I had struggled with my weight since puberty. I was so tired of it. I came through my procedure with no problems. I was out of work 2 weeks, went back to work for 1 week, then it was discovered I had gallstones. At that point, I was re-admitted to the hospital for my gallstones to be removed. To back up some, I am a registered nurse, and I was working on an oncology unit. Oncology is my passion, I love it dearly.
Anyways, back to the story. After my gallbladder was removed, I was out of
work another 2 weeks, so 1 month total.
I reacted very very poorly to my gastric bypass procedure. I could not get enough protein to sustain me, because when I drank my protein supplements, I couldn't hold them down. I couldn't even hold water down. I was becoming so malnourished, I couldn't take a shower without needing to sit down for air. My hair was falling out. I slumped into a MAJOR depression. Gastric bypass will fix your stomach, but it doesn't fix your brain.
Another side story that's important here is how much food meant to me. Food was my addiction before my procedure. Obviously, a food addiction does not have legal implications. Just health and wellness implications. But who could get in trouble for eating too much? Food was how I fixed a major depression I had always felt. Food gave me that sigh of relief when I was sad. It was always there. When I dieted, I experienced psychological withdrawal just the same as with pills. I craved food. I couldn't sit still until I got the food I wanted. When I did, I felt a "high" (obviously not a real one). It temporarily relieved by depression.
Well, I lost my food after my bypass. I was depressed, couldn't eat, vomited all the time, and had an overwhelming sense of regret. Every day I would cry and say "Why did I do this myself?". I began to look ill and malnourished. I grew very pale. People often asked me if I was okay.
Back to the pain pills. Since I was out of work for 1 month, I was on pain medication around the clock post-surgery. I began to realize how good those made me feel. They relieved the depression, they helped the hurting that I had inside. I felt GOOD.
I have since recovered nicely from my bypass with no more complications, but the pain pill craving continued. I wanted more, and more, and more. The addiction spiraled so much out of control. If I didn't have any, I wasn't sure how I'd make it through the day.
I was going through 30 Lortab 10's or 40 Percocet 10's in less than 24 hours. So coming down off that much was, honestly, pure and utter hell.
People at my work began to realize I wasn't myself. I was making petty mistakes that weren't like me. My boss noticed. Uh oh.
Long story short (too late, right?), I was terminated. Here in Kentucky, we have a program called the KARE program for nurses. It is a non-disciplinary program where I can restore my nursing license to a good standing, all while getting help. I will be in this program for 5 years, however, I can get my license restored and work as a nurse again in 6 months-1 year. I will be seeing an addiction specialist, who will then refer me to whatever type of treatment he deems is fit. Then I will be attending NA, counseling, and will be drug tested at random for the next 5 years.
I know that seems like a long time, but I'm blessed that I have someone to hold me accountable. I don't want to relapse. The physical withdrawal has subsided, but the psychological withdrawal remains. I CRAVE opiates. It's on my mind 24/7. But each day that I don't use, my mind repairs more and more, and I feel happier. I'm trying to stay busy, because being idle is when I crave the most.
As odd as it sounds, I bought a HUGE bag of bubble gum, and when I find I have an intense craving, I pop some in my mouth. It helps.
I have an amazing support system who checks on me, and tells me they love me and that I CAN do this. I am strong enough.
So I say to anyone struggling with any addiction, you CAN DO IT. I am still only 1 week sober, but I am doing it.
It sucks. It's not easy. But think about this: any substance abuse addiction will NOT lead anywhere good. There is no way to go with an addiction but downwards. I'm lucky my rock bottom wasn't jail, death, or near death. I did have a massive seizure from Tramadol overdose, because I so desperate for a high. But again, I am very lucky I recovered from the seizure with no permanent damage.
I know when people were telling me to get help, I wasn't trying to hear it. I wanted my pills, and screw whoever tried to preach to me. So friends, I will not preach, because I understand what it's like. Just know that you ARE NOT ALONE. There are millions of people who struggle with addiction, whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, whatever. We are all in the same boat.
I hope my story, as choppy as it was, maybe will help one person out there see there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It began in December of 2011. I opted to have a gastric bypass procedure because I had struggled with my weight since puberty. I was so tired of it. I came through my procedure with no problems. I was out of work 2 weeks, went back to work for 1 week, then it was discovered I had gallstones. At that point, I was re-admitted to the hospital for my gallstones to be removed. To back up some, I am a registered nurse, and I was working on an oncology unit. Oncology is my passion, I love it dearly.
Anyways, back to the story. After my gallbladder was removed, I was out of
work another 2 weeks, so 1 month total.
I reacted very very poorly to my gastric bypass procedure. I could not get enough protein to sustain me, because when I drank my protein supplements, I couldn't hold them down. I couldn't even hold water down. I was becoming so malnourished, I couldn't take a shower without needing to sit down for air. My hair was falling out. I slumped into a MAJOR depression. Gastric bypass will fix your stomach, but it doesn't fix your brain.
Another side story that's important here is how much food meant to me. Food was my addiction before my procedure. Obviously, a food addiction does not have legal implications. Just health and wellness implications. But who could get in trouble for eating too much? Food was how I fixed a major depression I had always felt. Food gave me that sigh of relief when I was sad. It was always there. When I dieted, I experienced psychological withdrawal just the same as with pills. I craved food. I couldn't sit still until I got the food I wanted. When I did, I felt a "high" (obviously not a real one). It temporarily relieved by depression.
Well, I lost my food after my bypass. I was depressed, couldn't eat, vomited all the time, and had an overwhelming sense of regret. Every day I would cry and say "Why did I do this myself?". I began to look ill and malnourished. I grew very pale. People often asked me if I was okay.
Back to the pain pills. Since I was out of work for 1 month, I was on pain medication around the clock post-surgery. I began to realize how good those made me feel. They relieved the depression, they helped the hurting that I had inside. I felt GOOD.
I have since recovered nicely from my bypass with no more complications, but the pain pill craving continued. I wanted more, and more, and more. The addiction spiraled so much out of control. If I didn't have any, I wasn't sure how I'd make it through the day.
I was going through 30 Lortab 10's or 40 Percocet 10's in less than 24 hours. So coming down off that much was, honestly, pure and utter hell.
People at my work began to realize I wasn't myself. I was making petty mistakes that weren't like me. My boss noticed. Uh oh.
Long story short (too late, right?), I was terminated. Here in Kentucky, we have a program called the KARE program for nurses. It is a non-disciplinary program where I can restore my nursing license to a good standing, all while getting help. I will be in this program for 5 years, however, I can get my license restored and work as a nurse again in 6 months-1 year. I will be seeing an addiction specialist, who will then refer me to whatever type of treatment he deems is fit. Then I will be attending NA, counseling, and will be drug tested at random for the next 5 years.
I know that seems like a long time, but I'm blessed that I have someone to hold me accountable. I don't want to relapse. The physical withdrawal has subsided, but the psychological withdrawal remains. I CRAVE opiates. It's on my mind 24/7. But each day that I don't use, my mind repairs more and more, and I feel happier. I'm trying to stay busy, because being idle is when I crave the most.
As odd as it sounds, I bought a HUGE bag of bubble gum, and when I find I have an intense craving, I pop some in my mouth. It helps.
I have an amazing support system who checks on me, and tells me they love me and that I CAN do this. I am strong enough.
So I say to anyone struggling with any addiction, you CAN DO IT. I am still only 1 week sober, but I am doing it.
It sucks. It's not easy. But think about this: any substance abuse addiction will NOT lead anywhere good. There is no way to go with an addiction but downwards. I'm lucky my rock bottom wasn't jail, death, or near death. I did have a massive seizure from Tramadol overdose, because I so desperate for a high. But again, I am very lucky I recovered from the seizure with no permanent damage.
I know when people were telling me to get help, I wasn't trying to hear it. I wanted my pills, and screw whoever tried to preach to me. So friends, I will not preach, because I understand what it's like. Just know that you ARE NOT ALONE. There are millions of people who struggle with addiction, whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, whatever. We are all in the same boat.
I hope my story, as choppy as it was, maybe will help one person out there see there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 66
Dmblvr, like you, I also had gastric bypass about 5 years ago. My surgery was a success in terms of weight loss. I went from a size 20 to a size 8. Now, like you said, surgery doesnt fix our head. In fact, there are way too many post ops that have transfer addictions.
The biggest one is alcohol. That was my food substitute. Wine never tasted so good and never gave me such quick buzz before surgery. For the last 2 years I binged on wine and on my last 4 months before sobriety, I was drinking 1 and 1/2 to 2 bottles every night.
I've been sober since April fools day with the help of SR and the amazing people here.
Wine was making me loose my mind and also sabotaging my weight loss. I put on 25 lbs and I'm sure it was due to all the drinking. Now that sobriety has returned, I'm planning to get back on track by going to the gym and being careful on my food intake.
It would love that fitness become my new addiction.
The biggest one is alcohol. That was my food substitute. Wine never tasted so good and never gave me such quick buzz before surgery. For the last 2 years I binged on wine and on my last 4 months before sobriety, I was drinking 1 and 1/2 to 2 bottles every night.
I've been sober since April fools day with the help of SR and the amazing people here.
Wine was making me loose my mind and also sabotaging my weight loss. I put on 25 lbs and I'm sure it was due to all the drinking. Now that sobriety has returned, I'm planning to get back on track by going to the gym and being careful on my food intake.
It would love that fitness become my new addiction.
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