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Hooked on opiates and dying to quit...Part two haha

Old 05-20-2013, 01:09 AM
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Hooked on opiates and dying to quit...Part two haha

I moved back to my small hometown about an hour away from where I currently live. I had to get away from the pills. The only thing that kinda sucked about moving there was that the buddy that offered me my first line also lived in my hometown. He had been living with his parents for a couple of years. (He still does). At this point I knew how bad opiates were for me and the withdrawal pretty much scared me into staying sober. However, once I knew my buddy had some pills I couldn't help but ask him for some. This time he had Oxycontin. I had this addiction somewhat under control during this time. I only got pills from him a couple of times a month but I still didn't like the fact that every once in a while I felt the uncontrollable urge to get some. Three months in my hometown and then I move back to my current location. Pills are not much of a concern to me at this point. I knew where to get them but I rarely did because I couldn't justify spending my hard earned money on them and I didn't make much so I had to take care of my bills.
I spent almost two years living on my own and not using pills very much at all. I would still get them once every month or two months but nothing too crazy. I am a musician so my favorite thing to do was take some pills and play music all day or night.
In November of 2011 my father unexpectedly passed away. It was really tough on my entire family. For this reason, I decided to move back to my hometown once again. This time I felt like I needed to be there for my mother. I knew my cousin took pain pills and that he knew where to get them so once I went home to be with my family I ran into him. We started talking about pain pills and we got some.
I moved in with my mom in January and I was working almost full time and going to school full time. During this time my cousin would often ask me to go out at night and he would constantly try to get me to get some pills. I usually said no because I was just so busy and exhausted all the time. After a month or so I began going out with my cousin and his friends from time to time. I didn't always get pills because I couldn't afford them but several times I did.
I hooked up with a girl that I've known since I was 12. She always hung out with my cousin and his friends. She really liked me a lot. The more we all hung out, the more times I would get pills. Once Rachel (the girl I hooked up with) realized that I liked pain pills, she began buying them and asking me to hang out with her. I never really turned down free pills so I found myself hanging out with her more and more. She didn't know about my past and that I had once gotten really addicted and I never told her because I loved getting free pills.
This is where things get bad. Rachel and I began getting pills and hanging out almost daily. I began not showing up for my classes, I quit my job, and I was using more and more pills. Rachel was never really addicted to pain pills. She would take a half or sometimes a whole one but she never every day. I on the hand began upping my dose quite a bit. Eventually I made Rachel my girlfriend and we got pretty serious. To this day I'm not sure if I was in love with her or if I was just in love with the pills she almost always bought for me. As time wore on I let her know about my past problems with pills and we pretty much decided that I was once again addicted.
Months passed by with me trying to get my fix every day. I rarely skipped a day. I was taking 10 to 20 pills every day. It has been just over a year since this all began. We decided to move away from my hometown because that's where I knew I could score. We are now in the town I have lived in off and on for 10 years. I initially thought that just moving away would end this problem. Instead I found myself driving an hour almost every single day to find my cousin and to score pills. It has gotten so insanely out of hand. I have spent the last two months trying to quit. I would go one day or two days with nothing but then I would find myself making the hour long drive and scoring. I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of. I've lied to my mother, and my entire family. I've used their money and Rachel's money to fund my habit. I've pawned things that were very important to me. The last month has been particularly scary for me because I snorted heroin for the first time with the "buddy" that first introduced me to hydrocodone. I've snorted heroin on three different occasions because I couldn't get a hold of pills.
So here I am actually coming down from my last two norcos. I have tried to quit several times and now I am going to give it another shot. I've changed my phone number so that my cousin and other drug dealers won't be able to get in touch with me. I have no job at the moment and no money. I'm living with Rachel who in the past has always enabled me but she swears up and down that she will absolutely tell me no from now on. I'm a little scared and confused. I haven't really been sure if I am a full blown addict or just somebody that is really compulsive and can't turn down a good time. However, after writing this post it seems pretty damn clear that I am a full blown addict! I guess I would just love to hear that after I quit things will get better. I will feel better. Intellectually I know this because I've been through it before but it has been particularly hard this time around. I would love to kick this habit for good. I am so sick of feeling like crap whether I am high or not. I haven't had one good night's sleep in over a year because of those stupid pills.
So thanks for listening, I'm sorry this post is so long but I haven't really been able to express this to anybody aside from Rachel.
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Old 05-20-2013, 01:16 AM
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Welcome to SR! You might want to check out the Substance Abuse of SR; while I dabbled in drugs in the past that's one thing I actually managed to do occasionally/recreationally. No matter what you're hooked on though addiction is hell. Quitting can be hard but it's the only way to move forward and get your life back.

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Old 05-20-2013, 01:19 AM
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Good on you for realising this is a problem and reaching out for help. Have you thought about going into detox and or rehab? Best of luck to you. Keep posting.
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