re-introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Illinois
Posts: 51
re-introduction
I'm not quite a newcomer, having lurked here off and on for quite a while, even posting a message or two. But I need to spend more time here, and above all get to know some of you, become a buddy, a member of the community, because that's what works at least for me.
My story is fairly simple and neither as dramatic nor as painful as some I've read here. I began drinking heavily as a grad student in the late sixties, and by the mid-seventies, as a young assistant professor, I was in serious trouble (though didn't entirely realize it then). Somehow I pulled myself out of that, by distancing myself from my drinking buddies, concentrating on my family and my career, and gradually my drinking declined. But deep down inside, I knew that I was an addict, even when I wasn't drinking for long periods of time. Eventually I spoke to someone about it, even attending a few AA meetings with one of the guys I used to get drunk with. In particular, I seemed to recognize myself in some of the stories recounted in Anne Fletcher's Sober for Good, which tells how many of the people who have become and remained sober pulled it off.
I've listed my "sobriety date" as May 7, 2004, but in fact I haven't been drunk for 20-25 years. I'm tempted to have a drink every once in a while, especially when my wife and I are having a romantic evening; but even one or two glasses of wine is physically pretty devastating to me, leaving me sluggish later in the evening, awake at 2-3 AM with irrational anxieties, and tired, grouchy, and hung over the next day. I think that my years of heavy drinking altered my brain chemistry, and now when I have even a little bit of alcohol, my brain shuts off the serotonin and dopamine supply, and I suffer the same effects that I experienced 30 years ago from a fifth of Scotch. Part of the temptation to drink also comes from the excitement and danger associated with it, as it takes me to the edge of something deeply buried, unconscious, and without rational constraints. I know I'm an addict, vulnerable not only to alcohol but also to other addictive behaviors, and confronting that and sharing it here is part of my effort to deal with it.
Although I'm a slow learner, I've definitely learned some things over the many years I've dealt with this. One is that it's not enough to control the behavior, for there's always that addict within you, waiting for the next slip. You have to change internally as well, the "whole self" has to be transformed -- another reason why I'm here.
I've also learned that an addict is an addict, regardless of the substance or the focal experience of the addiction. What I wanted from alcohol is what I want from other addictive experiences and behaviors as well -- to interrupt, postpone, submerge, temporarily bury, etc., every unpredictable and unpleasant feeling (e.g., boredom, anxiety, nervousness, depression, fear, insecurity, etc.). And of course the addiction never makes these things go away, for they return far more powerfully as a consequence of the addiction.
One of the wisest things I've read about addiction in the last few years came from another alcoholic, a woman who reflected on the fact that one consequence of an addiction is that it strips all of the "depth" out of other human experiences -- e.g., our relationships with family and friends, our appreciation of art, literature, music, our sense of the meaning and purpose of our lives, etc. All of these things become peripheral to the addiction, secondary once the primary focus is on escape through drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.
I hope I've learned some other things as well, but this re-introduction is far too long as is. I hope I'll get to know some of you better over the next days, weeks and months. It's good to be here.
My story is fairly simple and neither as dramatic nor as painful as some I've read here. I began drinking heavily as a grad student in the late sixties, and by the mid-seventies, as a young assistant professor, I was in serious trouble (though didn't entirely realize it then). Somehow I pulled myself out of that, by distancing myself from my drinking buddies, concentrating on my family and my career, and gradually my drinking declined. But deep down inside, I knew that I was an addict, even when I wasn't drinking for long periods of time. Eventually I spoke to someone about it, even attending a few AA meetings with one of the guys I used to get drunk with. In particular, I seemed to recognize myself in some of the stories recounted in Anne Fletcher's Sober for Good, which tells how many of the people who have become and remained sober pulled it off.
I've listed my "sobriety date" as May 7, 2004, but in fact I haven't been drunk for 20-25 years. I'm tempted to have a drink every once in a while, especially when my wife and I are having a romantic evening; but even one or two glasses of wine is physically pretty devastating to me, leaving me sluggish later in the evening, awake at 2-3 AM with irrational anxieties, and tired, grouchy, and hung over the next day. I think that my years of heavy drinking altered my brain chemistry, and now when I have even a little bit of alcohol, my brain shuts off the serotonin and dopamine supply, and I suffer the same effects that I experienced 30 years ago from a fifth of Scotch. Part of the temptation to drink also comes from the excitement and danger associated with it, as it takes me to the edge of something deeply buried, unconscious, and without rational constraints. I know I'm an addict, vulnerable not only to alcohol but also to other addictive behaviors, and confronting that and sharing it here is part of my effort to deal with it.
Although I'm a slow learner, I've definitely learned some things over the many years I've dealt with this. One is that it's not enough to control the behavior, for there's always that addict within you, waiting for the next slip. You have to change internally as well, the "whole self" has to be transformed -- another reason why I'm here.
I've also learned that an addict is an addict, regardless of the substance or the focal experience of the addiction. What I wanted from alcohol is what I want from other addictive experiences and behaviors as well -- to interrupt, postpone, submerge, temporarily bury, etc., every unpredictable and unpleasant feeling (e.g., boredom, anxiety, nervousness, depression, fear, insecurity, etc.). And of course the addiction never makes these things go away, for they return far more powerfully as a consequence of the addiction.
One of the wisest things I've read about addiction in the last few years came from another alcoholic, a woman who reflected on the fact that one consequence of an addiction is that it strips all of the "depth" out of other human experiences -- e.g., our relationships with family and friends, our appreciation of art, literature, music, our sense of the meaning and purpose of our lives, etc. All of these things become peripheral to the addiction, secondary once the primary focus is on escape through drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.
I hope I've learned some other things as well, but this re-introduction is far too long as is. I hope I'll get to know some of you better over the next days, weeks and months. It's good to be here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Stoic
...snip Although I'm a slow learner, I've definitely learned some things over the many years I've dealt with this. snip...
Welcome back. My name's Dan, and I look forward to knowing you.
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: left of center
Posts: 68
Hey- good to hear from you! Yes there is always that addict within us... and another thing I have learned about that addict within - - - as I educate myself against this dis-ease... well, I suppose unsurprisingly, that addict inside of me learns all the tools I teach myself to combat it and tries to get trickier and trickier too. When they say cunning and baffling, they are not kidding, are they!
One of the best things I have learned in my limited time so far in recovery, is that the more tools I have to draw upon on a daily basis, the better my chances of staying clean through anything. I am subject to accidentally listen to that addict talking in my brain, and if I have a large network of support, well, then all the better to remind me of the things I've learned but lost for a second... or to teach me even more.
Gratitude for your presence... thanks for sharing those thoughts - looking forward to hearing more!
amanda
One of the best things I have learned in my limited time so far in recovery, is that the more tools I have to draw upon on a daily basis, the better my chances of staying clean through anything. I am subject to accidentally listen to that addict talking in my brain, and if I have a large network of support, well, then all the better to remind me of the things I've learned but lost for a second... or to teach me even more.
Gratitude for your presence... thanks for sharing those thoughts - looking forward to hearing more!
amanda
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