Mirage74

I was feeling pretty good all day. I went to an AA meeting at 5:30. In the meeting I started stewing about a problem I am having with someone in my family, a problem that has been on going for a long time. I was barely paying attention to what was being said in the meeting. The problem makes me angry and upset, but I was thinking that I feel like I am on the verge of solving it and how much better/happier I will be once I do. Then I started thinking about how maybe I will be able to drink normally once the problem is solved, that maybe this problem is the REAL problem and that drinking is not really the problem. Bottom line, I got home and am sitting here and I have an overwhelming desire to drink - to celebrate.

The problem can be described as this (without going into too much detail). This person has been "stepping on my toes" for a long time. The more I try to ask them/tell them/yell at them to get off my toes, the harder they dig in. It is a very messed up situation and has caused me alot of grief.

Well my mind is telling me (very convincingly) that since I am solving this problem that I can now drink. I'm guessing that is my disease talking, but it is making alot of sense. I just really want to go out to a bar right now and drink. The scary thing is, my mind is telling me that I don't really want to be sober, that drinking is worth it. It's saying "Just drink, this sobriety thing sucks." ugh

deeker

We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for bravery and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make our conversation easier and we slurred our speech.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We drank to forget and were forever haunted.
We drank for freedom and became slaves.
We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to cope with life and invited death.

trachemys

Fantastic, deeker.

Mirage, it's a mirage. That's your Addictive Voice. That's the Beast that's talking to you.

Tell it to SHUTUP! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M NOT DRINKING.

fantail

When I feel like that I try to remind myself that if I go and drink, I'll either be sober again in a few hours (and dealing with whatever feeling I have/disappointed with myself/down some cash/down some progress in my physical & mental healing) or I'll be on a bender for a few days and come out of it really hurting.

I don't know. For me it helps me to remember that it's only a temporary fix. I agree the temptation to celebrate is harder to resist than the temptation to escape... but it's still just a fleeting thing.

Mirage74

I just went out to buy beer. I got in my car, was driving to the store, and I started thinking about your posts (and deeker, your other post about what would happen). I decided to go get something to eat first at the drivethrough. After that, I decided to come back home. No beer.

I am truly frightened right now. When this comes over me, I am almost without defense. The store is still calling for me to come.

Anyway, thanks for the responses, I'm still sober

trachemys

Thank god, or whatever you want to thank.

jscorpio

Please don't do it Mirage. This was me yesterday. I was on my way out the door twice then decided to check in here instead. I'm so glad I did because before I knew it the cravings passed and I woke up this morning grateful for another sober day. Hang in there!

deeker

Yay! See it's rough in the beginning but that is exactly how this works one alkie/addict helping other. Just stay close to us. Talk it out. Come in here before u drink. Maybe Consider AA meetings for inspiration. See it worked tonight right?
It will work again tomorrow if u r willing to learn and willing to try something different. You don't have to act on every bad feeling. Feelings do pass.

Mirage74

Trach, what is up with my beast? I try to tell it to shut up and it won't listen.

Mirage74

Wow, you're right deeker. I've never really done that before. That's probably why I haven't gotten any relief from AA because, for whatever reason, I don't open up and tell anyone what is really going on with me and how hard it is for me to stop drinking. I think I need to somehow figure out a way to do that. I just have a really hard time telling someone else that there is a problem. I've thought about sharing about it, but I don't do it. Stage fright, I think. And I don't like to be the center of attention. Anyway, thanks again

Elisabeth888

Sometimes we are just hungry when we want to drink.

How much time do you have? I am a big pusher of sweets.

Mirage74

Elisabeth, Im on night 10, holding on by a thread.

Ive actually been eating some candy, thx

Goat

Hi Mirage!

I know as long as I'm sitting here reading and posting on SR I won't pick up something to drink. So... here is where I will stay tonight... unless I doze off, and I rarely drink when I'm sleeping too

fantail

In my own little AV technique, instead of picturing a beast, I picture a child. Maybe a four year old kid throwing a tantrum. As a former babysitter it's a figure I have a lot more experience with! No point in arguing with her. I can either a) ignore her, or b) try to distract her ("No, you can't have a beer. But what about some ice cream?!!")

One thing I recognize about your situation that to me is always a big tip off that it's my AV talking is when I get the urge to celebrate something that I haven't actually accomplished yet. In your case, having a mental break through on your problem with the family member is really great, but the problem is still not resolved. I'm a writer so I will get this with projects. I used to come up with an awesome angle and drink to celebrate instead of writing. Same kind of thing... my celebrations were actually undermining the thing they were meant to commemorate!

visch1

Congratulations on not picking up as sometimes sobriety is a matter of inch by inch. Keep drinking water and eating sweets when the desire is there and don't pick up that first drink, even if............ BE WELL

Mirage74

Fantail, you are right. I didn't really want to hear that last night, at least my beast didn't, it wanted me to celebrate then. As far as your beast as a child, that is interesting. For me, it is much more cunning than a child. It's like an attractive member of the opposite sex whispering in your ear to do what it wants me to do. I actually feel possessed when it takes over.

Anyway, was a close call, thanks for all the support. I've never made it through an episode like that without drinking before

jscorpio

Good job Mirage.

1Dayatatyme

Mirage... every time you post first, before you pick up, you get that much stronger in your recovery. SR is a blessing to us all, and thank you for sharing your experience - it confirms my experience that SR has been the miracle of this recovery!!
Good job!!!! Stay strong!!!!

Michael66

Well done Mirage! Capture that success for you memory banks.

Mirage74

Thanks for listening! It is so great to have people listen to your struggles and offer support. Another thing it does is give me accountability, which I don't really have. I live alone and have really developed a lifestyle where if I want to do something, I just do it. I think it's one reason I'm reluctant to tell people in AA about my struggle, because I'm afraid I'm just going to eventually let them down by drinking. I guess we all need some accountablity. Maybe there are times that if you can't stay sober for yourself, you should do it for others - to avoid picking up the dreaded white chip, or coming here and posting another "I did it again" post