Late night thoughts
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 346
Late night thoughts
I can't figure out the chat room from my cell, so I am just going to write a post on my life outlook lately... So here goes:
I remember when I drank a lot, I was kinda obsessed with the similarities of insects and people. I saw a video of these archeologists doing an excavation of an ant hill. And the ants had these pathways that went down and around in the ground for like a mile! There were equivalent of roads, waste areas, food storage, it was interesting. Then I thought of bars and liqueur stores, and they made me think of roach traps, you go in and fill up on poison and keep going back until you eventually die. It was depressing and bleak, because I saw this as my future, and I saw myself as a cockroach wasting time and space, and using unnecessary energy on this earth.
When I gave up alcohol, it was hard, it took years of trying to find some light to reach out to, finally, I found something... It is something I have been falling back on recently, something I have never known. A prayer. A prayer to something I could relate to, something that would help me see something bigger than myself. I talk to my HP on the way to work, i tell about how i am grateful for my support here on SR and at home, how grateful I am for my sobriety, strength, and honesty with myself. I ask my HP for the strength to get through another day sober and to keep my eyes open to see all of the miracles and opportunities around me, I ask for the ability to handle tough situations and the wisdom to overcome them peacefully.
Thank you for reading my thoughts
I remember when I drank a lot, I was kinda obsessed with the similarities of insects and people. I saw a video of these archeologists doing an excavation of an ant hill. And the ants had these pathways that went down and around in the ground for like a mile! There were equivalent of roads, waste areas, food storage, it was interesting. Then I thought of bars and liqueur stores, and they made me think of roach traps, you go in and fill up on poison and keep going back until you eventually die. It was depressing and bleak, because I saw this as my future, and I saw myself as a cockroach wasting time and space, and using unnecessary energy on this earth.
When I gave up alcohol, it was hard, it took years of trying to find some light to reach out to, finally, I found something... It is something I have been falling back on recently, something I have never known. A prayer. A prayer to something I could relate to, something that would help me see something bigger than myself. I talk to my HP on the way to work, i tell about how i am grateful for my support here on SR and at home, how grateful I am for my sobriety, strength, and honesty with myself. I ask my HP for the strength to get through another day sober and to keep my eyes open to see all of the miracles and opportunities around me, I ask for the ability to handle tough situations and the wisdom to overcome them peacefully.
Thank you for reading my thoughts
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
That's beautiful Karissa.I keep my spiritualism kind of intentionally shapeless and wordless, which works for me but makes it tricky for internet discussing but I certainly do feel more connected to time/space/everything these days.
I've been feeling like there's something in the very nature of addiction that disconnects us from that... that brings us more into the mind set of that ant hill. It all becomes mechanics. I feel sad, compensate with beer. I feel tired, compensate with coffee. I feel happy, augment with wine. We turn our selves into machines and so by extension we start to see the world as a machine, too. Things were feeling very bleak for me by the end of my drinking days. I wasn't suicidal, but many times I'd find myself thinking that really it didn't matter either way, it's a zero sum game in the end after all. It's just a machine that runs til it doesn't.
By letting go of that control I can see the serendipity again and things don't feel like a machine anymore. It's hard to see it as a machine when it's clearly so illogical, ha! Even my crazy early sobriety moodiness is amazing to watch because I am so clearly not the machine I've been treating myself as. And so by extension the world stops seeming that way too.
I guess that's my version of an HP. I don't connect with either the idea of the H or the P in that phrase, but the world seems less like an ant hill these days. Thanks for the imagery to help me sort my thoughts with.
but I certainly do feel more connected to time/space/everything these days.I've been feeling like there's something in the very nature of addiction that disconnects us from that... that brings us more into the mind set of that ant hill. It all becomes mechanics. I feel sad, compensate with beer. I feel tired, compensate with coffee. I feel happy, augment with wine. We turn our selves into machines and so by extension we start to see the world as a machine, too. Things were feeling very bleak for me by the end of my drinking days. I wasn't suicidal, but many times I'd find myself thinking that really it didn't matter either way, it's a zero sum game in the end after all. It's just a machine that runs til it doesn't.
By letting go of that control I can see the serendipity again and things don't feel like a machine anymore. It's hard to see it as a machine when it's clearly so illogical, ha! Even my crazy early sobriety moodiness is amazing to watch because I am so clearly not the machine I've been treating myself as. And so by extension the world stops seeming that way too.
I guess that's my version of an HP.
I don't connect with either the idea of the H or the P in that phrase, but the world seems less like an ant hill these days. Thanks for the imagery to help me sort my thoughts with. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 346
Originally Posted by fantail 
That's beautiful Karissa.I keep my spiritualism kind of intentionally shapeless and wordless, which works for me but makes it tricky for internet discussing but I certainly do feel more connected to time/space/everything these days.
I've been feeling like there's something in the very nature of addiction that disconnects us from that... that brings us more into the mind set of that ant hill. It all becomes mechanics. I feel sad, compensate with beer. I feel tired, compensate with coffee. I feel happy, augment with wine. We turn our selves into machines and so by extension we start to see the world as a machine, too. Things were feeling very bleak for me by the end of my drinking days. I wasn't suicidal, but many times I'd find myself thinking that really it didn't matter either way, it's a zero sum game in the end after all. It's just a machine that runs til it doesn't.
By letting go of that control I can see the serendipity again and things don't feel like a machine anymore. It's hard to see it as a machine when it's clearly so illogical, ha! Even my crazy early sobriety moodiness is amazing to watch because I am so clearly not the machine I've been treating myself as. And so by extension the world stops seeming that way too.
I guess that's my version of an HP. I don't connect with either the idea of the H or the P in that phrase, but the world seems less like an ant hill these days. Thanks for the imagery to help me sort my thoughts with.
but I certainly do feel more connected to time/space/everything these days.I've been feeling like there's something in the very nature of addiction that disconnects us from that... that brings us more into the mind set of that ant hill. It all becomes mechanics. I feel sad, compensate with beer. I feel tired, compensate with coffee. I feel happy, augment with wine. We turn our selves into machines and so by extension we start to see the world as a machine, too. Things were feeling very bleak for me by the end of my drinking days. I wasn't suicidal, but many times I'd find myself thinking that really it didn't matter either way, it's a zero sum game in the end after all. It's just a machine that runs til it doesn't.
By letting go of that control I can see the serendipity again and things don't feel like a machine anymore. It's hard to see it as a machine when it's clearly so illogical, ha! Even my crazy early sobriety moodiness is amazing to watch because I am so clearly not the machine I've been treating myself as. And so by extension the world stops seeming that way too.
I guess that's my version of an HP.
I don't connect with either the idea of the H or the P in that phrase, but the world seems less like an ant hill these days. Thanks for the imagery to help me sort my thoughts with. Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by Karissaleigh
I can't figure out the chat room from my cell, so I am just going to write a post on my life outlook lately... So here goes:
I remember when I drank a lot, I was kinda obsessed with the similarities of insects and people. I saw a video of these archeologists doing an excavation of an ant hill. And the ants had these pathways that went down and around in the ground for like a mile! There were equivalent of roads, waste areas, food storage, it was interesting. Then I thought of bars and liqueur stores, and they made me think of roach traps, you go in and fill up on poison and keep going back until you eventually die. It was depressing and bleak, because I saw this as my future, and I saw myself as a cockroach wasting time and space, and using unnecessary energy on this earth.
When I gave up alcohol, it was hard, it took years of trying to find some light to reach out to, finally, I found something... It is something I have been falling back on recently, something I have never known. A prayer. A prayer to something I could relate to, something that would help me see something bigger than myself. I talk to my HP on the way to work, i tell about how i am grateful for my support here on SR and at home, how grateful I am for my sobriety, strength, and honesty with myself. I ask my HP for the strength to get through another day sober and to keep my eyes open to see all of the miracles and opportunities around me, I ask for the ability to handle tough situations and the wisdom to overcome them peacefully.
Thank you for reading my thoughts
I remember when I drank a lot, I was kinda obsessed with the similarities of insects and people. I saw a video of these archeologists doing an excavation of an ant hill. And the ants had these pathways that went down and around in the ground for like a mile! There were equivalent of roads, waste areas, food storage, it was interesting. Then I thought of bars and liqueur stores, and they made me think of roach traps, you go in and fill up on poison and keep going back until you eventually die. It was depressing and bleak, because I saw this as my future, and I saw myself as a cockroach wasting time and space, and using unnecessary energy on this earth.
When I gave up alcohol, it was hard, it took years of trying to find some light to reach out to, finally, I found something... It is something I have been falling back on recently, something I have never known. A prayer. A prayer to something I could relate to, something that would help me see something bigger than myself. I talk to my HP on the way to work, i tell about how i am grateful for my support here on SR and at home, how grateful I am for my sobriety, strength, and honesty with myself. I ask my HP for the strength to get through another day sober and to keep my eyes open to see all of the miracles and opportunities around me, I ask for the ability to handle tough situations and the wisdom to overcome them peacefully.
Thank you for reading my thoughts
Liked your ant analogy.
Also, I find the H.P. reference o.k, especially after posting on an atheist forum for over a year. WE see some good, albeit muddled in this world; why not higher dimensions of goodness? I used to get really tied up with religious philosophy. Now I just sort of let go and trust, within reason......
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 346
Originally Posted by Murchovski
Thought you were in jail; we call them mobile phones over here.
Liked your ant analogy.
Also, I find the H.P. reference o.k, especially after posting on an atheist forum for over a year. WE see some good, albeit muddled in this world; why not higher dimensions of goodness? I used to get really tied up with religious philosophy. Now I just sort of let go and trust, within reason......
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