Anna

It's been a long time for me, and yet listening to your story brings it all back. I felt exactly as you do. I had no idea that I was blacking out until I was told about it. I was shocked at things I'd said and done. And, as you said, everyone sees 'you' doing it and the fact you don't remember doesn't make any difference.

Please use this as a bottom and an impetus to change your life. I hated myself at the end of my drinking days and it's very hard to get past those feelings. But, you can, and you never have to go through that again.

Zelarom

Wow. I too black out, maybe after 4-6 drinks. I function (or so I think) eat, go to bed & wake up the next morning & wonder what I had for dinner last night.

flyonthewall

You're right.. even if I don't think it was me, I really did do all those things.

I know its not the end of the world and that worse things could have happened. I just feel so grossed out by myself and I can't believe this is now a part of my personal history.

I'm also terrified that everyone will find out and that I'll never know who knows my disgusting story. I feel really awful about it. Is avoiding them the best route? I just can't deal with looking in their eyes after they saw me acting like that. And I feel like they'll never understand that I was insane in that moment. They'll think I was just choosing how to act with full consciousness. But I would never act like that

Hevyn

The memory of the whole thing will fade in time, fly. I know right now it's still fresh and you're mortified - but what matters most is what you do from here on. Maybe when you feel stronger and better about things you can go see them - but only if you think it would ease your mind. I guess she didn't answer your email?

Most important thing is that you begin to heal and forgive yourself. This incident will fade away. Rise above this and reach out for a new and better life. You can do it.

Vandermast

All things mend in time if you stay sober...you can lean into us here :-P

shoreladylu

Welcome! I'm sorry things were so bad for you. We've all been there- you're not alone. The blackouts were definitely the worst part for me. Waking up not knowing what I did and stumbling around the house trying to piece it all together. And every time I drank until I blacked out I always got sick. I used to find it odd that even though my brain couldn't remember what I had done the night before, somehow it worked well enough to tell me to stumble into the bathroom when I got sick and make a halfhearted attempt at cleaning up the mess. Ugh! Waking up to that! lol

visch1

I always recommend the idea that " If we don't pick up the first drink we don't have to get sober AGAIN." Remembering it's the first drink that gets us drunk, even weeks, months later. BE WELL

peamuff

Been there done that....The important is that you recognize your problem and you a willing to do something about it. Don't get discouraged. Find an AA meeting and get there. Eventually you will find someone you trust to be your sponser and that person will take you through the steps. Get phone numbers and make phone calls. Doing the steps and reading the Big Book helped me a lot. Good luck!

ginger4029

I always blacked out too, the worst thing I did ,(after a fight with my husband.)was drive my kids to a hotel drunk. I don't remember even driving there. I could have crashed and killed my own children ,or someone else's. That's one of those memories that literally makes me cringe. I never want to drink again.