empiriotrash

Hey everyone,
My name is Danny and I am brand new to the forum.

My story would take a very long time to tell so I am going to keep it short. I started using when I was 12 years old. Started with drinking and smoking weed, quickly started progressing to other drugs. I struggle with anxiety and depressing and partially my use was a way for me to self medicate. I ended up with a cocaine and heroin habit which led me to steal from everyone, rip off my friends and dealers, commit crimes to support my habit; you all know the drill. Same story different person. I went to rehab when I was 17 and went to live in a sober house afterwards. I was clean for 2 years and 3 months. I worked the steps and made great friends through the rooms. Finished high school, got a good job, on good terms with my family, no longer regretted my past, going to college to pursue my passion; basically the promises came true for me.

Recently, I went to an old friends house. They are a friend from my past, but they do not use so I have felt comfortable hanging out with them in my sobriety. They were having someone stay with them, who turned out to be a heroin dealer. I do not know what happened. I did not think at all. I grabbed a couple of bags off of him. I told my friend I was going to sell them so he would not think badly of me. I ended up using them, and since then I have spent hundreds of dollars and I am using daily already. It has only been a week and a few days.

I keep telling myself I have it under control and I wont go down the same path. ******** and I know it. However, the drugs just take over the way I think.

I am too ashamed to go back to the meetings I was at. Being so young and having so much time clean, everyone said I was an inspiration. I never wanted to hear that sort of thing. I do not want to go back like this, and I was never really comfortable with many people there anyways. (My good friends from the rooms live in a different state)

I figured I would post on here instead

Thank you for reading, I would really appreciate if anyone has a similar experience if they would share it with me

shoreladylu

You need to lose that friend's number and never go back there. No gray area allowed. Old friends and hangout spots count as gray area. That being said, please don't give up on yourself. You're too young to give up and let this become your life. These are your formative years where you set the path for who and what you will become. Change gets harder the older you get- learn this lesson young. I hope this is just a bump in the road for you. Fight!

FeenixxRising

Go back to meetings. You shouldn't feel any shame. You know how this will end up if you keep going.

Anna

I'm glad you posted and I'm sorry for your situation. Try to not be too hard on yourself and just focus on staying sober and taking care of yourself. There is no reason to be ashamed about what happened. The main thing is that you're here and working on getting better.

Hevyn

Welcome empiriotrash. I agree - you shouldn't feel ashamed - especially since you're trying to correct this huge mistake and get back on track. We're glad you're here.

I know just what you mean about not thinking at all when you bought the stuff. That's how my last relapse went. I didn't even hesitate to grab what was supposed to be 'one drink'. I put myself in danger and it took ages to regain my sobriety. Being here at SR was so important to me as I was quitting - I hope you'll find it to be a helpful & encouraging place. You can do this!

empiriotrash

Everyone,

I was not sure if people were going to reply. I am shocked and grateful to see so many in such a short amount of time. I appreciate what everyone has said.

What I am most worried about is WHY I decided to get sober before. I had the gift of desperation. At this point, I am in the worst state of mind I can be in, tricking myself into thinking "this time will be different" or "I know what I did to mess up last time so I can better control it now". Right now, with money in the bank and being a "functional" addict (for the time being) I am having a difficult time throwing in the towel right now. It is sad but the highs are the most simple way to get rid of anxiety and depression which I have been experiencing a lot lately. Too many issues to handle all at once.

I am not trying to say "poor me", just trying to explain my mindset at the time, in hopes that others have some similar experiences and advice they can share with me.

Again, thank you all for your kind words and advice and thank you for the welcome Hevyn

DryRoastJim

Thank you for trusting us with your words, I can't help but feel some of the confusion you are going through.

From how I read your message it hits me that meetings helped you out big time. So get to one in your area now! Do NOT feel ashamed, in fact you should be damn proud because you see this freight train coming and you are willing to get off the track!!

Do whatever it takes to get back in control!!

Take care!!

Hevyn

Good morning Danny. You are very self aware - and as DryRoastJim said - you see the freight train coming. I hope you won't wait for the gift of desperation to be given once again. It's a dangerous gamble - but you already know that.

I had to be brought to my knees - all savings depleted - everyone disgusted with me - health & legal issues. It was scary how 'in control' I felt all during my self-imposed destruction. What we see as a way to cope will turn on us every time. Glad you are here to sort this out and get some help before serious damage is done. It'll be so hard to untangle the web at that point.

Impurrfect

((Danny)) - Welcome to SR! My DOC (drug of choice was crack). I had gotten clean, then started dabbling again. I thought it was fine...I didn't do it 24/7, was still working and paying bills, etc.

Well, that didn't last long. Had a major relapse, lost nearly everything I'd worked so hard to get in that clean time, and found myself miserable using and miserable clean.

That's when I said "enough" and gave myself 6 months to really work recovery. I figured that if I didn't like it, well crack was everywhere. Way before the 6 month time limit, I just knew that I was not going back to using or the life that came with it.

I only wish I had done something about my addiction when I was your age!! Could have saved a few decades of messing up

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

ScottFromWI

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I wouldn't feel ashamed in the least by a relapse, just about everyone has done it. The important thing is to want to get better, and it seems like you do. Regarding your question above, that's just the drugs talking. You can ALWAYS find an excuse to justify NOT quitting. And frankly, the desperation isn't far down the road - the only question is when it will get here. Why not just quit before things get really bad? And that would apply not matter what your DOC is. This sobriety thing won't happen unless you truly want it to, and it sounds like you did last time around - you can make it happen!

empiriotrash

The best relief right now is being able to speak (write) openly about this whole situation. Either sharing what is happening to me or trying to support others who are in the same situation as me. There are so many inspirational things being posted everyday and I thank you all for your kind words. I am spending a lot of time just going through the threads

I am finding it so difficult to not feel shame and disgust with myself. Throwing away so much time. I know relapse is very common and I used to think it would be easier to come back from. Sure my physical condition is not that bad right now. Mentally though I am right back to where I was. Paychecks gone as soon as I get them and I am avoiding everyone from my aa na friends to my own boss who is a very good friend of mine. Obsession.

Scott, you are completely right. I can always find an excuse to not quit. I also have 101 reasons to quit. However as soon as I put that needle in my arm I forget every one.

Amy, the first time I got clean I was in a rehab and since being under the age of 18 I could not leave legally without the police being called. I am unsure how to go about this without anyone even knowing the situation besides people who have read this forum..

Does anyone have advice in addition to meetings?. What did you do in your experience?

quitforme79

I understand how you can feel ashamed about relapsing. A lot of us have been there. But I don't think you should refrain from going back to your meetings. The disease of addiction is insidious. By going back you are showing others that just because you relapsed doesn't mean you have to stay out there. Take your sober life back Danny. I am glad you found SR.

ND3579

Please go back to a mtg. Remember the sad truth almost everyone slips. U will make them all proud by going back.

empiriotrash

I am very glad I found this forum as well. I spend so much time on my computer now, which is probably the only time that is a good thing. I am not going to lie, I am still using, however I am planning on going to a meeting tomorrow at noon. It is 230am right now, and I am not going to use in the morning so I can be as clear headed as possible come meeting time.

Thank you all, I will let you know how it goes.

Take care

LadyinBC

This forum is great! You will get a lot of support here.

Don't ever feel ashamed of going back to the meetings. There are lots of people in that room who have probably felt the same way.

Garen

Hi Empiriotrash!

What you said hits close to home for me. The only experience I have is with alcohol, but I totally get when you say it's just so easy to keep using. It's a issue I had to grapple with... having a good job, apartment, car, attending school... everyone thinks highly of me, thinks I'm smart, etc. I always have money in savings and a 7/11 right across the street from my apartment. Those who have high opinions of me don't see when I go home every night and drink from 5PM til midnight or whenever I passed out.

My first reality checks where reading stories about other people who were shocked to learn their neighbor or friend or friend of a friend died from alcohol abuse. They described these people as being exactly like the type of person that I am. Happy (seemingly), has it together, on the ball, helpful, etc... one day, they get off work and go in to their home and then come out the next day in a body bag... in their 30s. Since I turn 30 next month, it sort of shines the light in my face.

The trick, I think, is to change the way you think about things. Think positively about things and instead of thinking about drinking, think about a vacation you have always wanted to take, or some nice new additions to your apartment, or whatever you like. Recognize that getting drunk or loaded brings nothing good in to your life, at all. It's pointless. You will only lose from it and you will just want to do it again the next day anyway, so it's simply insanity to entertain it. At least that's how I look at it.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to some meetings, also. Congratulations on your life-saving and life-enhancing decision.

empiriotrash

Thanks Lady, I actually got called into work so I missed the meeting, but I have a break in between classes tomorrow.

Garen, I can really relate to a lot of what you say, thank you so much for sharing your experience it means a lot. Most of my current friends know about my problems with drugs and alcohol and my recovery from them. No one knows about my relapse. Therefore the way they treat me is absurd to me. I suppose I am the same person with some decent personality traits, but as soon as I lock the door at night I completely change.

I agree those stories are definitely a reality check straight in the face..I have had so many friends and acquaintances die from this drug. However, whenever there is a report of someone overdosing, it is almost a goal to find out what kind of bags they were getting because obviously it was really good. Even though 'they' died the thinking turns into 'I' could handle it.. I remember the first time I got clean thinking of how messed up that is. Realizing its basically playing russian roulette for a dirty high. The high completely takes away that thought though.

I do have a lot of passions that I have been neglecting the past few weeks, and I know getting clean will bring up their importance more. Also, I was seeing someone and very happy about that. I want to get clean, however putting it down is so much easier said than done.

I almost wish I could check myself in somewhere

Nattythreads

Empirio

I want to reach through the screen, physically grab you and drag you straight back in to a meeting. I want to get on the phone and get you in front of a counselor before you even have a chance to f*cking draw breath.

I know this road. I know where you're going. And the sh!te thing is, so do you. There are no different endings mate. The best return you'll get is it's exactly the f*cking same result. And that's the best return.

I'm hanging on today. You know how it is. Some days it's just like that. But even just hanging on is good. Really really good when you stare the alternatives in the face.

Put it down now. Do it right f*cking now and and make those calls.

And get on here and tell us that's exactly what you've done.