kblock0401

So, this is new to me; I'm normally posting on the other forumn about my addicted husband. Recently, I've been discovering some things about myself and my therapist suggested this week that perhaps, I may be an alcoholic myself... however, I have some doubts. I can't even recall the last time I was drunk. As long as I don't drink liquor, I can have 1 beer and stop. I've never suffered any legal problems. Nothing bad has ever really happened to me. I've never gotten caught driving drunk (thank goodness). But lately, I find myself struggling with wanting to drink. Here's a little bit about my story:

When I was in high school, I watched my best friend pass away from Cystic Fibrosis. I feel like that was a turning point for me. I began smoking weed all the time and drinking heavily. And when I say heavily, I was a 99lb girl and could drink with the college boys and still function. I've always had an abnormal drinking "limit." When most people would be puking or passing out, I was still going. I remember the first time I got drunk. I was probably 15 maybe. My stepmom made me a little bit of some kind of cocktail. I remember that it had Bacardi in it. She made me one and then left me alone. I drank the rest of the bottle. I threw up for hours and most definitely had alcohol poisoning. And although, the smell of alcohol made me sick for awhile, I can still remember that first time.

Anyway, after my friend's passing, I drank all the time. I would drive home drunk all the time. My life revolved around drinking. I graduated high school and went on to college. I drank so much that I ended up failing my first semester. Then, at 18, I got pregnant with my son. And of course, the drinking had to stop. His dad and I moved in and it wasn't going too well. I'm not really sure what happened towards the end but I started feeling overwhelming anxiety. I would have panic attacks and irrational thoughts. I remember seeing a news story once about a dad who threw his kids off a bridge and I felt so traumatized by that. I thought my God, what if I did something like that. I was scared to sleep for fear that I would sleep walk and hurt my son. I know, crazy right?!

Well..the anxiety grew and the relationship with my son's dad was falling apart. He was working 3rd shift and it was too much for us. Before we finally split, I started getting out. At first, just on the weekends and then during the week. I started hanging out with an old coworker and we drank-all the time. We started dating and I moved out of my apartment with my son's dad. And I drank and partied-all the time. A few close friends tried to tell me I was getting out of hand but of course, I rationalized everything. My family and friends did not like my new boyfriend and could tell something wasn't right.

We got engaged. And we still partied heavily. Our entire relationship was based around partying. And then 12 days before our wedding, I found out he was addicted to heroin. We called off the wedding. It was like losing my best friend all over again. I honest to God thought about ending my life. I remember sitting in our spare bedroom with all of our wedding crap all over the floor. I had a bottle of Bacardi and a bottle of Tylenol PM. I don't remember what made me not do it but I didn't. I still drank pretty heavily for awhile, especially when he went to rehab. But when he came home, I pretty much stopped. I was on a mission to "help" him. I bought a house and he moved in with my son and I. We got married the following year. No partying or drinking. My life revolved around keeping our lives together while he was relapsing and in and out of halfway houses. We had a daughter together in March of last year. He's now around 70 days clean and has just recently come home from another sober living house. He seems to be doing great-this time.

However...my anxiety is back. My irrational thoughts are back. And I want to drink. I keep thinking things like, maybe when my kids are grown I could drink again. Or if "this" happens I'm not just going to drink. I guess they call it "white knuckling." I feel the same way I did towards the end of my relationship with my son's dad. Like I just want to jump out of my skin.

And what's even more crazy is that in dealing with my husband and his addiction, I've become proactive for recovery. I run a Facebook support page for family members, I volunteer at a recovery center doing homeless intake, I have a sponsor through Nar Anon and I see a therapist. Oh, and I'm also pursuing a bachelor's in Substance Abuse Counseling.

But I'm struggling personally. It's funny because I'm currently taking a class on alcoholism. We had to watch an episode of Intervention a couple weeks ago and it showed this woman who would buy those mini bottles of liquor and drink them straight. And ever since watching that I swear I can just taste the Bacardi (my obvious drink of choice.)

I don't want to drink. I don't want to live that lifestyle anymore. But I don't know how to make these feelings go away or if there's really anything to them. I've watched my husband battle addiction for years now and I think, man I'm not like him. I've never been physically dependent on alcohol. I watch Intervention and I hear the stories of the guys I work with at the recovery house. I don't identify myself with them. I've done some messed up **** while drunk, but I've never been homeless or gotten a DUI or lost custody of my kids...

I'm curious to hear the opinions/thoughts of anyone who may feel the same as me.

Dee74

Hi Kblock

I'm a pretty firm advocate in believing that you're the best judge of the situation here.

Reading your post, obviously you feel old patterns are returning and you feel a little carried along by the momentum of something not entirely under your control....whatever way you slice it, thats pretty scary stuff...



I think you're being wise to look at things now...maybe it's best to take steps now, find support...and stop any skid before you really find yourself in trouble?

what would you suggest for someone who came to you with a problem like this?

You'll find a lot of support on this side of the forum too

D

oak

I have not had any legal troubles either, but drinking sucked my soul. I also could stop at one beer, probably would not even finish it. But I was obsessive and compulsive with hard liquor. I had lots of doubts, but lately, I just know that I prefer sobriety.

least

I hope you can find the support you need to stop drinking for good. Living sober is the way to go.

kblock0401

Thanks guys. I'm going to an open AA meeting tomorrow with my sponsor. I have to write a paper on my experiences but also, I think it might be good for me to check it out.

trachemys

I didn't have to read past the first paragraph. If you think drinking is a problem, it is.