coming_clean

day 66

For the last few days now.
I almost feel 'borderline' about my identity.
For half my life i've been wasted, and now suddenly, I'm starting to wake up more and more finding this enormous black hole.
For 'normal' people this hole is filled with normal life experiences, friendships, losses, building, etc.
For me. It's all blurred and surreal.
I just don't know.

I'm in survival modus right now. Everything I once thought the be right seems wrong and vica versa.

Any of you guys have experienced this in (early) recovery?
Got some imput?

LadyinBC

congrat on day 66 that is awesome!

Yup definately had to figure out who I was as I never really ever knew. I always tried to be what everyone wanted me to be. Now that I am sober I can discover who I am. Scary at first, but you know, in a way, it is exciting! I learn new things about me all the time. I have strength I never thought I had. I've done things in the last 8 months that I never thought I would do. I've had to basically rethink everything in my liife. What I thought was important isn't. What I thought wasn't important is.

It's scary, but at the sametime it is liberating.

ReadyAtLast

I can relate.I'm 3.5 months sober now and 38. I've been drinking since I was say 14 as a coping mechanism,to overcome shyness, social anxiety etc and I have no idea who I am without alcohol. I have few friends as were either drinking ones or scared away because of drinking or after effects. I 've accepted this though and just looking on it as a new life starting. I'm hopeful for the future,trying not to worry,trying new things and seeing whatdevelops

Odelle

Google search PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms). Educating yourself on what the brain and body goes through post physical detox is very liberating because you will begin to identify and understand much of the emotional turbulence and mental confusion that is typically associated with withdrawal during the first year or two. Once you are aware of what to expect, you can plan a defense to ward of potential relapses. Personally, it has made me stronger in my resolve because my expectations for recovery were more short-term based and I couldn't understand why I wasn't where I expected to be. Hang in there, the journey does get better, it just takes longer for the brain to recover.

deeker

I knew exactly who I was when drinking/ drugging.

I was the person you couldn't trust.
I was the person you were embarrassed to be around.
I was the person who told lies.
I was the great manipulator.
I was the person who spent the familes money on drugs and alcohol.
I was the person who let my child down time after time.
I was the person you could pretty much predict the behavior of daily.
I was the person filled with self pity.
I was the person who was never wrong.
I was the person you bailed out of jail.
I was the person you you visited in psych wards.
I was the person you wouldn't get in the car with.
I was the person you didn't trust your kids around.
I was the person you made a fool of herself at her child's sporting events screaming like a mad woman.
I was the person who was constantly in the bathroom while you were waiting who you heard go sniff sniff.

I know my identity today and you will to. I made a commitment to get sober, I put forth the effort, I took suggestions and I don't pick up one day at a time.

Today I am Mom, Honey, Sweetie, Dear
The person who puts her trust in God
The person you receive a greeting card from
The person who calls to encourage you
The person who can drive legally
The person who remembers your birthday
The person who goes to work everyday
The person who admits when she is wrong
The person who bakes you cookies
The person who laughs uncontrollably
The person who has compassion
The person who understands you

The person who finally said, I am done drinking/using
and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop and stay stopped.

least

I agree it could be PAWS. Google it and see if it describes your symptoms. It takes a while for us to get back to normal. Good job on 66 days!

DryRoastJim

Hi and a HUGE congratulations on 66 days!! Nice going!!

I'm only the better part of a couple weeks in, but I noticed that "hole" too. I strongly suspect it's the missing of my dear old enemy alcohol. But there is also this strange thing called sobriety WTF is this!?!

I used booze as a social lubricant as well. It seems that our peers are more comfortable with like minded drunks haha. Obviously I escalated my drinking when I started drinking at home alone - got to be too much.

For now though, I'm ok. A little lonely but SR is a great way to keep a check on reality and I've gotten back into programming and doing stuff with computers and misc technology that I shelved for years. Another plus about quitting is your memory improves!!

Just keep on track for now. All the little "fiddlybits" will fall into place in their own time. You'll do ok!!

Anna

Good for you for 66 days sober!

And, yes, I didn't know who I was when I stopped drinking. I had lost myself long before I started drinking by being the person who tried to keep everyone else happy. The years of drinking further robbed me of my identity. I wasn't the person I thought I was, so, I had to start over in a sense.

nfijules

Wow...can I relate with you!! When I got sober I didnt know who I was. I was a party girl, a mom, and a wife....Got sober and lost all of it! I was no longer who I thought I was for my life...and didn't even know how to function for about a year. Looking back though, I realize I didnt accept the changes that were put in front of me. For a long time, I held on to my past, who I WAS, and things I used to do. I focused on accepting it, and as I became closer w/my HP, it got so much easier. My life now revolves around new job, friends, meetings, etc...and I love it. Goodluck...give it time....it will get better!

FlyerNation

I felt like this dueing my PAWS. Eventually it subsided but these emotionless, thoughtless uncaring moments of emptiness are an effect of years drinking. I had these same feelings when I first got sober and I have what I consider to be many normal life experiences, too many actually.

Maybe see a doctor about this. If could be PAWS or it could be some type of depression or in the end it might just be normal struggles and feelings you're going through that we used to deal with by alcohol or drugs. This doesn't change after 2 months or years but they do become easier. It'd be a shame to relapse over some depression issues if you could at least look into them with your doctor.

Good luck.

Dee74

I think when we rebuild a house, we don't start with the roof...

I think it's normal to feel like things are incomplete and unfinished and not quite right for a while...but you'll fill in the holes and build shelter and start to make new sober memories quicker than you probably think right now CC.

Try not to sweat it too much - noone consciously thinks 'hey I'm living my life' 'or hey I'm breathing...in, out, in, out'

so...it made sense to me to me to try and not focus too much on 'hey I'm being recovered' either

thinks will gel and fill out, man

D

hypochondriac

I think Dee might be a genius

I have certainly felt like this Coming_clean. I think a lot of it has been about my expectations of being sober, like all my problems would go away, or my social problems will be fixed or I won't have any money problems... I could write a very long list. And for ages normal life experiences are weird sober. It does seem to get better and easier and make more sense as time passes though. I keep forgetting to do this myself but it really helps to live for the moment and not worry too much about the future or the past. Well done on 66 days x