bagpussgirl

Hi
I've finally made it to an AA meeting which is a big thing for me after my husband' s response last time. However tonight I've found it a massive trigger. Today is day 2 of not drinking ( can't remember going longer than 2 days before) and throughout the meeting all I could think of was "I'm not an alcoholic, I haven't had my license taken off me, I don't drink that much. ...etc etc" .

It was almost like I need to let myself get to that situation first to prove to myself that I'm an alcoholic before I'll allow myself to quit. I was so close to calling for a bottle of wine on the way home so I could drink in a controlled manner. ...until I realised that it wouldn't be controlled because what I actually want is to get drunk.

Anyone else found meeting s triggering? Could it be that I really am not an alcoholic but just someone who drinks to get drunk because I like it?

Feeling pretty stressed after tonight's meeting x

bagpussgirl

Oh yeah and throughout the meeting my main thought was ....I want to drink right now

julez

Don't be stressed hon.
If I can give one piece of advice it would be this...

At meetings, try not to focus on the differences, but the similarities that you have with others.

fallingtogether

What similarities did you find? Clearly you found some differences.

HappyDestiny3

Yeah many people compare themselves right back out..

For the people that haven't had this or that happen "yet"

But you see alcoholism is like riding a elevator, its your choice what floor you want to get off...



For me it took everything but my life, I love to see people come in and not have to become a bottom drunk before they surrender..


If you can just relate to something that is great..

Also for me , it took 1 year and a half of trying and keep showing up after a relapse to finally really work it.. And I can tell you for months at meetings , cravings would come up like crazy. After certain people stories ect I wanted to drink so badly..

I just kept going back, and saying not today, I will not drink today.. I will give myself a chance to be sober for once in my life.. I drank everyday heavily for over 20 years..

Just keep going and being open-minded and don't drink today..

Bring the body and the mind will follow.

hope22

I'm sorry you are having a tough time now. The first week is hard, on day two everything seemed like a trigger. It will get easier. Hang in there.

daisy1

I would say go to some more, maybe in different areas. I went to such different ones - the first they were all just like me, the second they were hardcore tattooed ex prisoners who had dragged themselves back off the street. And yes after that particular meeting it crossed my mind that I have a few years worth of drinking in me yet!
But what will you lose over the next few years finding out? I have lost a lot and refuse to lose anything else to alcohol, I'm stopping it before I am the one who is shaking, slurring and homeless xxx

bagpussgirl

Similarities. ..blackouts, sneaking extra drinks, obsessivly thinking about alcohol, always wanting more once I start, drinking alone. ..

I guess just not the horror stories... but this is why I feel like a fraud.

Joe Nerv

While I know this post is serious, it made me laugh. Well... smile, actually. First thing I know I'd do if I found out I wasn't an alcoholic is get drink. I think that says a lot.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the meeting. Anything and everything will probably make you want to drink in early recovery, if you really want to drink. If you really want to stop ignore those signals and keep doing what your gut tells you is right. Not what your drinking self dictates.

shauninspain

It's really easy to be at a meeting and listen to the horror stories. People ending up in jail, loosing limbs, living on the streets etc etc etc, and to think, 'Hold on, I've never done any of that'! The image of a 'real' (lol) alcoholic, of a tramp in filthy clothes, sleeping in soiled trousers, wandering the streets begging and shouting at pigeons comes to mind. The TV image of the stereotypical drunk.

But what often gets unnoticed are the people who didn't loose their car license, or house. The people who didn't drink turpentine, but 10 year old scotch, or wine. People who, from the outside, seemed to be regular normal individuals. Nevertheless, they arrived at AA sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of the lies, the struggle, the failure to drink within limits. Tired of the arguments with spouses, the hiding of the bottles and of the embarrassment that they caused themselves. And the incessant temptation take the edge off life by self medicating.

But they are every bit as alcoholic as the street drinker. They just amazingly fortunate to have grasped the nettle before they lost it all. The old saying 'If alcohol is costing you more than money you need to act now', rings true. Adopting the oulook that 'I'm not as bad as him/her', is a sure way to become as bad, because there will always be many people who have gone down further.

Today in my lunch break I thought of you as I was having my cigarette, and I hoped that you were staying well. I'm really happy to see your post!

2granddaughters

Try to "identify" at the meetings .. not "compare".

Go to hear what the oldtimers say and keep going until what you heard makes sense.

A thousand thoughts/feelings will tell you to quit/run/stop/ignore but keep going anyway.

Tell the oldtimers what you are thinking/feeling.

All the best.

Bob R

bagpussgirl

Thanks Shauninspin x

bagpussgirl

Thanks Bob x

Marcher13

shauninspain, you have no idea how much your post just spoke to me, I needed that post so much -- I may not have wanted it but I needed it. I've just printed it, trimmed it with scissors and folded it up and put it in my wallet.

Thank you.

avocado

when i was around 27 or so I got a DUI and was required by the judge to go to AA. Well, I was on house arrest so I went almost every night because it was the only thing I could leave the house for besides once a week for laundry, once a week for groceries, and doctor's appointments or probation visits/drug tests. so anyway, it was like my only social life. well, i used to sit in the meetings and the stories people told just made me really excited to finally get out of house arrest so i could start drinking again (during house arrest i had a breathalyzer in the house that could make me test any time day or night). sitting there hearing the stories of drunken insanity seemed really appealing to me. i kind of romanticized drunken self-destruction at that time. i know it was stupid, but i wouldn't blame anyone for being similarly triggered at an aa meeting by hearing people tell about drinking. it doesn't help that some of these aa meetings i've been to the people actually do tell seemingly nostalgic stories about their drinking days before they turned really bad. weird.

BEAUTIFULIFE

Yes...I agree Thanks a bunch Shaun...I have done the comparing thing, but not too much anymore.

Day 4 no alcohol. (but i am a weekend binger....the true test is coming up)

Glad to see your post bagpussgirl, Stay strong, we are here for you. xo

bagpussgirl

Thanks everyone. I made it through last night and didn't drink. God it was hard!!!! I lay in bed just praying to go to sleep so that I wouldn't go to the shop. "Just for today" going round in my head.

Day 3 today x

daisy1

Yay well done :-). I put my onsie on and get into bed at about 8pm sometimes, just to make sure I don't get out to the shops.
Have you got plenty of hot choc and comfort yummies in stock? They really help xxx

Dee74

I think anything new is stressful and uncomfortable - and those are the kinds of feelings that can make us drink.

I hope you keep going - it will get easier

I think we all have our own horror stories, if we dig deeply enough and are honest.

We have all done stuff we can't believe we have - we've all done stuff we never want to do again...

there's no need to grade those experiences, or compare them to others, in my opinion.

D

Lyoness

This is so true! I too allowed myself to believe that I wasn't really an addict, or didn't really deserve all the attention and fuss of recovery because I wasn't using "enough." I hadn't had all those horror stories that other people did. So I kept using more and more, snorting and injecting my oxy til I was using huge amounts and going through a month's worth in a week.

I still didn't ever hit any of the many bottoms I could have. I just became disgusted with myself and what I was doing. I decided that three and four day binges, just being lost in an opiate haze were bottom enough and started seeking serious treatment.

It doesn't have to get worse. It can be worse enough right now! To quote liv1ce, another SR member--to hit bottom just quit digging!