Living with recovering ex, setting boundaries
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1
Living with recovering ex, setting boundaries
Hello--
[sorry this is so long, questions are summarized at the end if you want to skim the substance and skip to the questions]
I've been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now. I'm in an interesting situation, and could use some feedback. I plan to attend my first Al-Anon meeting this week.
My boyfriend and I were dating for 3.5 years. When I met him, he had been a homeless traveling kid for 3 years and was at his breaking point (ready to change his life drastically from what it had been). We met and fell in love, quickly moved in together. He had a big drinking problem. I always encouraged him to continue cutting back (which he did with amazing success) and work on healthy lifestyle choices. Long story short, we were together for 3.5 years, he made major progress with cutting back on drinking, eventually getting a therapist, holding down a job, and starting to take care of past issues that had been haunting him.
He did wonderful, but we continued to struggle because at a very basic level he did not care about/for himself. Tormented by depression and anger issues (not abusive, but tendency to get in fights with others, hit walls, etc.), everything he did to get healthier was because of my pushing him, and because of his love for me. Clearly I know, and always have known, that he depended too much on me for his happiness, and that it was unhealthy for me always to push him. But I was afraid if I didn't push him (to go to doctor, get his license, apply for job, get a lawyer, whatever), it wouldn't get done.
Drinking became more of an issue, as therapy and life activity was not resolving his other demons. I was pretty certain drinking was hindering his progress. He began to sneak and lie (he did this throughout the 3-year relationship, to varying degrees) and I (now in a grad. program with less time to focus on his problems) began to disengage when he would have an emotional freak out. He often appeared "out of it"; he would deny he had been drinking. I've since learned about post-acute withdrawal syndrome and now think he was probably lying about half the time.
Fast forward to two weeks ago-- he initiated a conversation that resulted in our breaking up. I went through all my grieving, he ran away to some old friends in another state, went on a binge for a number of days, began to plan his own suicide, and finally woke up one day and decided that was his rock bottom. He decided to quit. Completely on his own. At that point, we were not going to be together, we were broken up.
Then he decided he needed to come back to the town where we lived together, where his therapist is located and can provide him with counseling and facilitate his entry into an "intensive outpatient” treatment program. Responsibly, he chose to continue to deal with the lawyer and work to resolve his legal problems instead of continuing to run from them. THIS IS ALL HIS DECISION-MAKING, I can't stress this enough. He finally began making his own, responsible choices. And now he's back. He's attending an AA meeting every day, this week will start an outpatient recovery program and have a meeting with his therapist. I am not telling him to do all this (finally!).
BUT, here is the problem:
We are still in love, and he is still in this apartment, for now. I just don't know what to do. He wants to get his own place, he has been applying for jobs. I am uncertain what kinds of boundaries are healthy in this situation. I feel like we need to NOT be boyfriend-girlfriend right now (I have realized I have a lot of my own issues and have an appointment with a therapist soon, and will go to Al-Anon tues night), but we both know we love each other and hope to be together one day. Kicking him to the curb would hinder his recovery, and his other housing options in town are party houses.
Should we be living together? We set a deadline for a month for him to find a job and find his own place. He says he is doing it (trying to move out/get a job) because he wants to be able to “stand on his own two feet”, but then when I ask more questions, it sounds like he wants to quit drinking for himself but move out of the apartment for me. If we are physically intimate, will this hinder his recovery? If I am his emotional outlet—and he wants to hug and lean on my shoulder everytime he is angry and depressed and confused and anxious—will this crutch prevent him from learning how to handle his own emotions? How can I give him the support he needs so he can focus on recovery and not get so stressed out by logistical life stuff that he relapses, but at the same time put enough distance between us so that I do not hurt his recovery by being some kind of emotional crutch? Should we be physically intimate at this time? Should we even sleep in the same bed?
So confused, please help!
[sorry this is so long, questions are summarized at the end if you want to skim the substance and skip to the questions]
I've been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now. I'm in an interesting situation, and could use some feedback. I plan to attend my first Al-Anon meeting this week.
My boyfriend and I were dating for 3.5 years. When I met him, he had been a homeless traveling kid for 3 years and was at his breaking point (ready to change his life drastically from what it had been). We met and fell in love, quickly moved in together. He had a big drinking problem. I always encouraged him to continue cutting back (which he did with amazing success) and work on healthy lifestyle choices. Long story short, we were together for 3.5 years, he made major progress with cutting back on drinking, eventually getting a therapist, holding down a job, and starting to take care of past issues that had been haunting him.
He did wonderful, but we continued to struggle because at a very basic level he did not care about/for himself. Tormented by depression and anger issues (not abusive, but tendency to get in fights with others, hit walls, etc.), everything he did to get healthier was because of my pushing him, and because of his love for me. Clearly I know, and always have known, that he depended too much on me for his happiness, and that it was unhealthy for me always to push him. But I was afraid if I didn't push him (to go to doctor, get his license, apply for job, get a lawyer, whatever), it wouldn't get done.
Drinking became more of an issue, as therapy and life activity was not resolving his other demons. I was pretty certain drinking was hindering his progress. He began to sneak and lie (he did this throughout the 3-year relationship, to varying degrees) and I (now in a grad. program with less time to focus on his problems) began to disengage when he would have an emotional freak out. He often appeared "out of it"; he would deny he had been drinking. I've since learned about post-acute withdrawal syndrome and now think he was probably lying about half the time.
Fast forward to two weeks ago-- he initiated a conversation that resulted in our breaking up. I went through all my grieving, he ran away to some old friends in another state, went on a binge for a number of days, began to plan his own suicide, and finally woke up one day and decided that was his rock bottom. He decided to quit. Completely on his own. At that point, we were not going to be together, we were broken up.
Then he decided he needed to come back to the town where we lived together, where his therapist is located and can provide him with counseling and facilitate his entry into an "intensive outpatient” treatment program. Responsibly, he chose to continue to deal with the lawyer and work to resolve his legal problems instead of continuing to run from them. THIS IS ALL HIS DECISION-MAKING, I can't stress this enough. He finally began making his own, responsible choices. And now he's back. He's attending an AA meeting every day, this week will start an outpatient recovery program and have a meeting with his therapist. I am not telling him to do all this (finally!).
BUT, here is the problem:
We are still in love, and he is still in this apartment, for now. I just don't know what to do. He wants to get his own place, he has been applying for jobs. I am uncertain what kinds of boundaries are healthy in this situation. I feel like we need to NOT be boyfriend-girlfriend right now (I have realized I have a lot of my own issues and have an appointment with a therapist soon, and will go to Al-Anon tues night), but we both know we love each other and hope to be together one day. Kicking him to the curb would hinder his recovery, and his other housing options in town are party houses.
Should we be living together? We set a deadline for a month for him to find a job and find his own place. He says he is doing it (trying to move out/get a job) because he wants to be able to “stand on his own two feet”, but then when I ask more questions, it sounds like he wants to quit drinking for himself but move out of the apartment for me. If we are physically intimate, will this hinder his recovery? If I am his emotional outlet—and he wants to hug and lean on my shoulder everytime he is angry and depressed and confused and anxious—will this crutch prevent him from learning how to handle his own emotions? How can I give him the support he needs so he can focus on recovery and not get so stressed out by logistical life stuff that he relapses, but at the same time put enough distance between us so that I do not hurt his recovery by being some kind of emotional crutch? Should we be physically intimate at this time? Should we even sleep in the same bed?
So confused, please help!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, stories,
Well, you are asking some good questions, but I would suggest you are overlooking one thing in all your concern about what is "best" for his recovery, and that is what's best for YOU.
He can talk to his IOP counselor about housing options--they may have a "sober living" house available. The Salvation Army also has a residential program that I am told is quite good.
You've got some good things going in your life right now. And early recovery can be a time of dramatic mood swings and drama. Do you really need all that around you when you are dealing with grad school, and presumably a job at the same time? Not to mention the fact that you seem to have a tendency to help a bit too much with the stuff that is HIS responsibility. I know that the recovery right now is his idea, but will you be able to resist micromanaging it, making sure he calls his sponsor, does his Step work, etc?
Glad you are getting to an Al-Anon meeting--it was very helpful to me. I also hope you will join our Friends and Family forum here at SR--you will find a lot of support there, as well.
Well, you are asking some good questions, but I would suggest you are overlooking one thing in all your concern about what is "best" for his recovery, and that is what's best for YOU.
He can talk to his IOP counselor about housing options--they may have a "sober living" house available. The Salvation Army also has a residential program that I am told is quite good.
You've got some good things going in your life right now. And early recovery can be a time of dramatic mood swings and drama. Do you really need all that around you when you are dealing with grad school, and presumably a job at the same time? Not to mention the fact that you seem to have a tendency to help a bit too much with the stuff that is HIS responsibility. I know that the recovery right now is his idea, but will you be able to resist micromanaging it, making sure he calls his sponsor, does his Step work, etc?
Glad you are getting to an Al-Anon meeting--it was very helpful to me. I also hope you will join our Friends and Family forum here at SR--you will find a lot of support there, as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I hope that you can focus on what you need and what you want in the relationship and in the rest of your life. Working on yourself and allowing your boyfriend to work on himself is probably the best for both of you.
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