Flicker31

I've been a terrible binge drinker since I was about 19, so about 12 years. I've had times when its been worse than others but its pretty much always been there in the background. I've lost jobs, friends, countless belongings not to mention the money I've wasted and I've put my life at risk. I hate the person I become when drunk....its a complete transformation and while I think I am being fun or entertaining at the time people often tell me I am a nightmare to be with when I go off on one and they much prefer me either sober or after having just had one or two....I am capable of doing this but old habits die hard and its only a matter of time before I find myself having a 12 hour drinking session barely remembering anything the next day other than the now very familiar but vile feeling that I have embarrassed myself or publicly showed myself up in some stupid way or another. Its my 32nd birthday next week and I cannot believe I am still here....desperate to stop but unable. I am seriously thinking about joining AA but right now I am just going to try and stop drinking to excess for 30 days. To see if I can. So a 2 drink limit. I really hope I manage it and I can rid myself of this awful habit once and for all. I know my life will be so much better when/if I do

GreenBeans

Everyone is different, but I know I cannot have just one or two. I'm an alcoholic. I don't drink recreationally, like others do. I drink for the feeling of being drunk. One or two is just enough to tick me off.
Congratulations on your decision. Great luck to you, and welcome!

Stash

hi flicker
it sounds like you've been down this road many times. its seems you already know the outcome of trying to have a 2 drink limit. i know when i tried to limit myself i just ended up drinking more. i would limit myself to 6 beer a night and i always ended up drinking 20.

what are you going to do after those 30 days? do you want to continue the 2 drink limit?

break the cycle. take time to learn and grow.
best wishes. <3

Flicker31

Thanks guys....
I am not sure if I am an alcoholic...I know I have a pretty destructive ongoing habit of drinking to excess on occasion....Is that alcoholism? Maybe I am in denial! Well, just to quit for 30 days would make me feel pretty good. There is no point in saying "I'm never going to drink again". But if I can manage 30 then maybe I can manage more....and then maybe....who knows?

TryingHarder

I an a binge drinker as well. I am on day 9 of being sober. For me, it no longer matters if I'm labelled as alcoholic or not. What matters to me is my drinking has caused problems in my life for decades. I'm tired of it. I don't want to think about moderation anymore. I want to be sober and stop the endless cycle of madness that is my drinking.

Flicker31

Good for you. I'm sick of it too but also sick of telling myself I'm going to stop and failing at the first hurdle. One step at a time I guess.

TryingHarder

Welcome! Stay here and read the stories. You'll develop some tools and get good ideas and strategies. This place is great and a huge part of keeping my head in the right place.

avocado

I'm 34 and I can't tell you how many '30 days sobers' or 'not drinking to excess anymores' I tried before I finally decided last december enough was enough of spending too much money, getting arrested, getting so drunk i smoked crack, hurting myself, etc...

My advice is to give yourself 90 days of not drinking at all. 30 days of not drinking is not nearly enough to clear your mind enough to really assess what's happening in your life. I wish I had made a decision to stop at 31, but I'm sure glad I made that decision at 34 rather than 44.

LexieCat

I'm just curious what it is that makes you think you will be able to stick with a two-drink limit. Haven't you tried that before? I'm assuming you didn't set out to get sh*tfaced drunk every time you have.

Alcoholics have a weird physical inability to reliably hit the "off" switch the way other drinkers to. They might hit it once in a while, or maybe a few times in a row, but eventually they wind up drinking when they did not intend to, or drinking much more than they intended to.

I know, I worked very hard for four and a half years to "control" my drinking. I'm like GreenBeans--having one or two drinks is like "drinkus interruptus." It only leaves me frustrated and unhappy.

I know it's almost impossible to imagine, but not drinking at all is SOOO much easier than struggling to control it.

I wish you luck with your experiment, but I would urge you to be brutally honest with yourself about whether things are really any better. During the four and a half years I struggled to "moderate" I kept fooling myself that I was "doing something" about my drinking, and that I was "making progress." The only thing progressing was my addiction, and when I finally did quit, I was seriously physically addicted with withdrawal symptoms and the whole nine yards (something I did not have when I began the experiment).

I am now sober four and a half years in AA, and believe me, life without alcohol is SO much easier.

ReadyAtLast

I agree with the posters above.

I'd tried just 1 or 2 so many times and quit for 30 days too (can't possibly have a problem if I can stop for 30 days surely?) Despite many failures I still believed I could do it again. oh the times I've said just have 1 or 2 but had many more. I can't control it. Many of us can't. It controls us. I don't see the point of 1 or 2 anyway,I draank for the effect of getting drunk and 2 just doesn't cut it

I agree quitting for 30 days isn't enough really. By 30 days the initial euphoria had worn off and emotionally it was hard, by 90 days you get a much clearer picture of how life can be good without alcohol. If someone doesn't have a problem with alcohol they won't have a problem doing it.Don't worry about labels-if your drinking and the consequences are causing problems for you then drinking is a problem in your life and your life would be improved without it

Flicker31

This is very sad to admit but I cant imagine my life without alcohol. It feels like its almost part of my personality and who I am to get drunk. Its not always so ridiculous. 1 night in 4 or 5 can get silly but that's not good enough really. I am looking into AA meetings-although the thought scares me. Especially seeing someone in there who might know me. Daft really, considering what an idiot of myself I am willing to make in front of people when drunk!

TryingHarder

I say this in all sincerity... None of us could imagine our
lives without alcohol.

Nattythreads

If you're stressed at the thought of AA, dig around all the forums on here. There are other options where you might feel more comfortable in the early stages.

I use bits of everything really and enjoy the human touch occasionally @ AA rather than just the even more anonymous interweb

avocado

back on december 21st i was thinking the same thing, that alcohol is a pretty integral part of my life and the thought of 'never drinking again' gave me some doubts. just under 90 days later and i now can't imagine going back to drinking again. I am still allowing myself that perhaps some time in the future I will get to a point where I feel I can safely drink again, but for now the thought of risking a return to a pattern of behavior that was destroying me is far more difficult for me to imagine than is the thought of never drinking again.

jscorpio

I know I could never try to drink in moderation. For me it's all or nothing. Keep coming here for support. There are a lot of people that have been in your shoes and can offer support.

Nattythreads

The posts on here/stories I hear of people crying out for help again after 10/20 yrs sobriety upset me lots. There's a few today and I just feel for them so much. I've had reasonable stabs at putting distance between me and the demons. But there's truth in what people say that it's never the same again - it's like you just swap the nagging of the alcoholic voice for the equivalent sober voice when you start again.

And it reinforces the point that for people like me, there is no return. I find that realization such a monumental undertaking that it immediately refocuses my mind on just trying to stay sober today.

Flicker31

The truth is, once the effects of the drinking this weekend has warn off and I've got back to normal in a few days time I'll convince myself I don't have a problem at all and on and on the cycle goes....

Exercise and looking after myself has helped a lot in the past-when I'm working out, getting lots of fresh air and doing yoga the crazy binge drinking is limited to a few times a month. But it still happens...

I guess the worst thing for me is the things I do and say when in those states. I wish I was one of those drunks who were just sick and spin out. I seem to just keep going, my big gob too!!

It upsets me to think that I've offended someone or just shown myself in a very bad light when I know deep down I am not a bad person at all : (
But this is the ongoing story of my life. Hope I one day work out how to STOP DOING IT.

avocado

I can definitely relate to the whole 'cycle' thing. I was locked in the same cycle - binge for a week, do crazy, stupid ****, feel really depressed and anxious over it, then clean up, start to feel better, eventually feel great again and then plunge headfirst into another manic drug and alcohol binge. It's really painful to constantly go through those extremes and I finally am at the place where I just can't take it anymore. The negatives were completely overwhelming the amount of fun I could have while wasted, and it really wasn't that much fun anymore anyway. I would just convince myself it was.

Nattythreads

Flicker

Everybody's downhill slide has a different gradient. Some hit the bottom really rapidly while some of us endure a gradual descent with the dawning realization of where it's all going to end up.

The only surety for people like us is that if we continue we will hit that bottom eventually. You have the opportunity not to experience that and get off while the going's good. I wish I'd grabbed that opp with both hands while I had a chance.

Best of luck mate.

ReadyAtLast

The only way to stop doing it is to stop drinking

It really does get worse as the years go by too. I'm female and being drunk was a bit funny and cute and you can get away with it at 25.At 35 I was just a shameful, embarrassing,pitiful drunken mess. It gets worse and worse