Hello I am new here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Southern Spain
Posts: 355
Hello I am new here.
Hello there.
I have just registered on the site in the hope that it will in some way help me reach out to other alcoholics, feel less alone, learn from you and hopefully stay sober. Where to begin. Firstly I apologize if this post is long, but I have a few things that need saying.
I wont go into any long history. Suffice to say that I have been in and out of AA for 15 years. During that time I have maintained sobriety for short periods. However, never more than one year. My drinking has transformed from being a daily drinker, to being a binge drinker. I have had a number of criminal convictions for being drunk in a public place/disorderly/incapable. Relationships have been destroyed, and job prospects have been lost. My problem is that I cannot seem to stay sober, despite knowing very well that alcohol is for me a poison. I am not a nice drunk. I develop a terrible temper and become physically threatening.
I moved to Spain from the UK with my partner, who is Spanish, 15 months ago. This was to be a brand new start for us. Working in my field in the UK (in education) would have been impossible, due to my criminal record. Here in Spain I was not asked for any background checks. Other than 2 references. It was also a new start for us as a couple. Our relationship (in my mind at least) had become intolerable. To be completely honest I am still very unsure if we should be together. I am not an emotionally normal or mature person. In as much as I have a great deal of difficult in a) feeling love and b) receiving love. This may or may not be due to experiences in childhood. Either way my track record regarding relationships is one of abject failure. However, we have been together for 9 years now.
All was well for a while. I was enjoying my job, and life in Spain as different. This year however I began to binge again. I am now on my 2nd day of sobriety. A couple of weeks ago I started to drink in secret after work. I finish at 5pm, but my partner works mainly evenings and does not return home until 10pm. Making myself stop after 4-5 drinks would, I initially thought, be impossible. However, the experiment went very well, and I was able to experience the relaxing effects of alcohol, without getting out of control. As the days passed I drank more and more after work. On Thursday I returned to the flat at 6.30pm but I was obsessing about more drink. I wrote a letter to my partner, saying I was going fishing, and wouldn't be home until late.
At no time did stop and think what might happen if I drank more. I was invincible.
I have shady recollections of the evening. Apparently I came home and my partner was unhappy. So I smashed up a glass coffee table. The neighbors came to the door and I argued with them. They called the police and by all accounts I went for one of them. I was arrested and spent the night in a cell. The next day in handcuffs I went to court, and I have been given a 2 year suspended sentence. The building resident committee have asked us to leave the property. I am still unsure if my place of work will discover what has happened. I can only hope that they do not.
So here I am again. Messed everything up due to my insanity. My clean slate dirty. My partner gutted and considering her future. I feel that I cannot trust myself to go out on my own. Any more dealings with the police and I will possible face a prison sentence. I am about as disgusted with myself as any human being can be.
There is no AA here, and I needed to make contact with people who might know how I am feeling, and may have been through similar situations. That's it for now. Thank you for reading my post.
Regards
Shaun.
I have just registered on the site in the hope that it will in some way help me reach out to other alcoholics, feel less alone, learn from you and hopefully stay sober. Where to begin. Firstly I apologize if this post is long, but I have a few things that need saying.
I wont go into any long history. Suffice to say that I have been in and out of AA for 15 years. During that time I have maintained sobriety for short periods. However, never more than one year. My drinking has transformed from being a daily drinker, to being a binge drinker. I have had a number of criminal convictions for being drunk in a public place/disorderly/incapable. Relationships have been destroyed, and job prospects have been lost. My problem is that I cannot seem to stay sober, despite knowing very well that alcohol is for me a poison. I am not a nice drunk. I develop a terrible temper and become physically threatening.
I moved to Spain from the UK with my partner, who is Spanish, 15 months ago. This was to be a brand new start for us. Working in my field in the UK (in education) would have been impossible, due to my criminal record. Here in Spain I was not asked for any background checks. Other than 2 references. It was also a new start for us as a couple. Our relationship (in my mind at least) had become intolerable. To be completely honest I am still very unsure if we should be together. I am not an emotionally normal or mature person. In as much as I have a great deal of difficult in a) feeling love and b) receiving love. This may or may not be due to experiences in childhood. Either way my track record regarding relationships is one of abject failure. However, we have been together for 9 years now.
All was well for a while. I was enjoying my job, and life in Spain as different. This year however I began to binge again. I am now on my 2nd day of sobriety. A couple of weeks ago I started to drink in secret after work. I finish at 5pm, but my partner works mainly evenings and does not return home until 10pm. Making myself stop after 4-5 drinks would, I initially thought, be impossible. However, the experiment went very well, and I was able to experience the relaxing effects of alcohol, without getting out of control. As the days passed I drank more and more after work. On Thursday I returned to the flat at 6.30pm but I was obsessing about more drink. I wrote a letter to my partner, saying I was going fishing, and wouldn't be home until late.
At no time did stop and think what might happen if I drank more. I was invincible.
I have shady recollections of the evening. Apparently I came home and my partner was unhappy. So I smashed up a glass coffee table. The neighbors came to the door and I argued with them. They called the police and by all accounts I went for one of them. I was arrested and spent the night in a cell. The next day in handcuffs I went to court, and I have been given a 2 year suspended sentence. The building resident committee have asked us to leave the property. I am still unsure if my place of work will discover what has happened. I can only hope that they do not.
So here I am again. Messed everything up due to my insanity. My clean slate dirty. My partner gutted and considering her future. I feel that I cannot trust myself to go out on my own. Any more dealings with the police and I will possible face a prison sentence. I am about as disgusted with myself as any human being can be.
There is no AA here, and I needed to make contact with people who might know how I am feeling, and may have been through similar situations. That's it for now. Thank you for reading my post.
Regards
Shaun.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
Hi Shaun and Welcome,
I think a lot of us feel incredibly alone when we hit bottom. The disease of alcoholism causes us to isolate ourselves and to protect the disease. I can sure relate to thinking I was in control of my drinking, but finding out I had blacked out again and caused problems. I'm glad you have reached out and there is always support here.
I think a lot of us feel incredibly alone when we hit bottom. The disease of alcoholism causes us to isolate ourselves and to protect the disease. I can sure relate to thinking I was in control of my drinking, but finding out I had blacked out again and caused problems. I'm glad you have reached out and there is always support here.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
I just need to change locations times etc and that is my story. So common I think. So, you can't ******** a bullshitter. I think at this stage I chose to remember that this is a progressive disease. At the level you leave off when quitting is where you pick up when busting. Sooner or later, usually sooner. At the same time the times spent maturing become shorter as the disease progresses. Maturation takes time off while things to fix grow. Stop and keep posting.Meditate on denial.
Cheers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 100
hi shaun and welcome to SR!
i know how it feels to be a violent drunk. most of the time i drank i would fight or think about fighting . i know the shame and guilt it brings. i hope that you can find some sense of belonging here. ive just joined this group this month and it has helped me so much . i was in a bad place mentally and everyone here helped pick me up. you can really find joy here and it helps you start to forgive and love yourself again. dont give up
i know how it feels to be a violent drunk. most of the time i drank i would fight or think about fighting . i know the shame and guilt it brings. i hope that you can find some sense of belonging here. ive just joined this group this month and it has helped me so much . i was in a bad place mentally and everyone here helped pick me up. you can really find joy here and it helps you start to forgive and love yourself again. dont give up
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Welcome Shaun. You came to the right place!
This site has been instrumental in helping me remind myself of the insanity of not staying sober.
You helped me remember.
There are tons of great people here who do understand where you are coming from.
I can relate to your story a lot, the initial troubles, moving, the anger, relationship issues, thinking I can control my drinking, the police, handcuffs, and uncertainty about the future.
A lot of pain and suffering later I had a realization that I was going to keep on and possibly seriously hurt or kill myself or others. My life would get worse and worse if I drank at all. I gave up.
I could not fight the bottle anymore.
I still have relationship issues, uncertainty about the future. But today I am quietly confident that I can face everything that may happen in life without alcohol.
I got and stay clean and sober by using a number of methods. AA, I have a sponsor and take the steps. Prayer and meditation are very important to me. I read a lot here. I listen to lots of AA speakers on the xaspeakers website. And I use some aspects of Rational recovery which is discussed in the secular forums on this site.
I know you said no AA is there. I would still get a Big Book if you don't have one.
Best wishes
This site has been instrumental in helping me remind myself of the insanity of not staying sober.
You helped me remember.
There are tons of great people here who do understand where you are coming from.
I can relate to your story a lot, the initial troubles, moving, the anger, relationship issues, thinking I can control my drinking, the police, handcuffs, and uncertainty about the future.
A lot of pain and suffering later I had a realization that I was going to keep on and possibly seriously hurt or kill myself or others. My life would get worse and worse if I drank at all. I gave up.
I could not fight the bottle anymore.
I still have relationship issues, uncertainty about the future. But today I am quietly confident that I can face everything that may happen in life without alcohol.
I got and stay clean and sober by using a number of methods. AA, I have a sponsor and take the steps. Prayer and meditation are very important to me. I read a lot here. I listen to lots of AA speakers on the xaspeakers website. And I use some aspects of Rational recovery which is discussed in the secular forums on this site.
I know you said no AA is there. I would still get a Big Book if you don't have one.
Best wishes
and congrats on the decision to reach out for support in quitting drinking.
Every Mother's Worst Nightmare
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Deep in the heart of LaLa land
Posts: 688
Shaun
You're going to find a lot of us on here who see parts of ourselves in that story. Your drinking history and slide into this horrendous binge cycle mirrors me exactly. Periods of sobriety punctuated by bouts of insanity.
Stay with us and stay connected. It helps us all when we recognize ourselves in somebody else and we realize that far from being unique, we share much in common.
This board won't stop you drinking if you're hell-bent on doing that, but it will make you stop and think before you pick up. And you'll find that even those moments of just stopping and thinking can be enough to avert disaster!
All hail to you man and well done for reaching out.
You're going to find a lot of us on here who see parts of ourselves in that story. Your drinking history and slide into this horrendous binge cycle mirrors me exactly. Periods of sobriety punctuated by bouts of insanity.
Stay with us and stay connected. It helps us all when we recognize ourselves in somebody else and we realize that far from being unique, we share much in common.
This board won't stop you drinking if you're hell-bent on doing that, but it will make you stop and think before you pick up. And you'll find that even those moments of just stopping and thinking can be enough to avert disaster!
All hail to you man and well done for reaching out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, Shaun,
I'm planning my first trip to Spain (Barcelona) in a couple of months--it will be my first trip to Europe. Are you SURE there is no AA where you are? I checked out meetings for my trip, and there are quite a few all over Spain.
Hope you will stick around here, at least--the sobriety I have is priceless. Four and a half years (AA).
I'm planning my first trip to Spain (Barcelona) in a couple of months--it will be my first trip to Europe. Are you SURE there is no AA where you are? I checked out meetings for my trip, and there are quite a few all over Spain.
Hope you will stick around here, at least--the sobriety I have is priceless. Four and a half years (AA).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Hi Shaun. It's wonderful to have you join us. We all understand how you're feeling right now.
I drank all my life and created a living hell for myself. It's fabulous to be free of it - and you will get back there! You sound motivated and determined to do it this time. Try not to dwell on shame or remorse - those emotions can lead us back to drinking. Never forget what happened, but please allow yourself to move past it and heal.
I drank all my life and created a living hell for myself. It's fabulous to be free of it - and you will get back there! You sound motivated and determined to do it this time. Try not to dwell on shame or remorse - those emotions can lead us back to drinking. Never forget what happened, but please allow yourself to move past it and heal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 21
Welcome Shaun. I am 17 days sober this time. I'm a binge drinker. I really want to stay alcohol free. The progression of this disease is frightening it has had an negative impact on all areas of my life for the past 20 years. I find this forum a great support
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
Welcome to the community Shaun. I wasn't able to put together any solid time until I found this website (combined with AA) and when I use the two of them consistently together I have found that I am almost 15 months sober now. We can all help each other.
We can all help each other.
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