Branches

I'm venting here because what I really want to do is go unearth a bottle of red that I put away awhile ago for a special occasion - this is not a special occasion, but I am looking for comfort.

Hubby announced tonight that he's going to take a long weekend to drive a couple of hundred miles to see an old college friend (male) to hang out, hike, go to jazz clubs, explore the city where his friend lives. My man works hard and I have no problem with him having a guy weekend for himself EXCEPT:
I can hardly budge that man from the house most weekends because he drives a great deal for his job.

Hours will go by with him on the computer with headphones on or playing guitar in the garage. Very happy in his solitary pursuits.

He very rarely wants to go out to dinner ("You cook better and let's save money") or go anywhere that would involve driving on the freeways in L.A. because he's "so burned out" from all his driving all week.

He's also always too tired for the intimate side of marriage, so it's not unusual for long periods of time to go by (and I mean weeks, not days).

So as he's reciting his weekend agenda and how much fun it's going to be, here come's my AV Lady Chablis whispering in my ear, "Oh, nice. He has energy for this friend he hasn't seen in 20 years, but not for you. He gets on your case for drinking, but no wonder you drink - you're lonely, and now he's ditching you for a weekend to go do things with a friend. Hmmm. How about we show him and have ourselves a little party while he's gone. Bleep him."

So I'm urge surfing the urge to go get a bottle of Chardonnay and the urge to tell him he's taking me waaaaaay too much for granted.

By the way, he's an RA and recently put down the weed and is clean and sober. I thought that my stopping drinking at his urging might make a difference in the quality of our relationship. I apologized for the years I drank in front of him, and tried to make amends, and he was gracious about receiving it.

I know you're supposed to quit for yourself and not for others, but right now the Lady is telling me that the only reason I was drinking 3 glasses of wine a night was because I was lonesome in this marriage, and now I'm sober and it looks like not a lot is going to change. I'll still be lonesome.

Thanks for listening. Any words of encouragement/advice are welcome.
I'm on Day 9 and haven't caved as of yet this evening.

Marcher13

Branches my buddy and friend, maybe he's feeling better in himself now that he's getting over the weed? Lady C is talking a bunch of crap as usual. A whole weekend to do whatever you'd like -- so what's it going to be?

Nine days does not a marriage revolution make. I bet he misses you.

FeenixxRising

Fortunately, I'm not married or even involved seriously with a woman right now. I know that those with significant others have hurdles we singles don't have. However, I think the old cliché about how you can't change how people act, but you can decide how you will "react" may apply here. I would simply let it slide for now. There are obviously some issues in the relationship that need some tweaking, but there's always time for that IMO. Right now focus on you; perhaps you could spend the weekend thinking about (or even writing down) how you want to address some of these issues with your husband a month or so from now--when you have some significant sober time under your belt? You will at least be doing something productive and positive while he's away, rather than stewing in a bunch of crappy emotions.

BTW, I'm not saying your complaints aren't valid, they seem to be; however, now probably isn't the time to attempt to address them--IMO that would only end badly.

Branches

Thank you, Marcher 13, for being a voice of reason.

It's the four days to do whatever I'd like that's causing me some anxiety. And my feelings are hurting even more without my usual band-aid. Luckily I have another 10 days before his trip to practice sobriety and urge surfing and think of something fun to do that does not involve alcohol. I may rope one of my daughters into housesitting and take myself on a little trip. That would be a first. Thank you for your insight!

Branches

Thank you, Feenix. You're right. Now's not the time. I appreciate your wisdom. Just had to come here to do a chick thing and vent, and you guys are the best!

360shoes

Hey Branches,
I'm no expert but what you described sounds like challenges that many couples have. Is it possible that in the light of a sober mind they have sharper edges right now? I know that my first reaction would be the same...bleep you. Then without even thinking about it I would move right into..thanks for the excuse to drink myself into not having to deal with this....then it would quickly turn into I just bleeped myself. I don't know but it sounds to me that you have some feelings and things to work through with your husband and he probably does too. This doesn't sound like a brand new problem but one you both haven't worked on yet. I think you have a far better chance of finding the solution sober than you ever would if you start drinking. I wouldn't be all that happy with his trip timing either. It's ok to be angry. You are entitled to your feelings.

Just be p*ssed off right now instead of p*ssed off and drunk.

How do you want to feel tomorrow?

just want the best for you
Shoes

Coldfusion

My wife and I went to a lecture on "Making Love Last" this weekend by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The topic they focused on was how to get over a regrettable incident. Here are the five steps (my own wording):

1. Share your feelings, but don't explain why you felt that way or try to justify your feelings; and don't comment on your partner's feelings. (They provided a list of 54 emotions, and the couple takes turns reading those that occurred in the disagreement).
   
2. Take turns describing your reality of the situation. Say things like "I saw you do so-and-so...," not "You did so-and-so.." Take turns summarizing what your partner says, and validate part of what they said ("I understand why you acted this way." This does not necessarily mean you agree with that part.)
   
3. Share what experiences in your past trigger your reaction to this event, and why it may have escalated.
   
4. Acknowledge your responsibility for the escalation of the conflict. What things do you regret?
   
5. Share constructive plans to prevent such a conflict in the future. Say one thing that you can do and one thing your partner can do.

One more suggestion. I am not making light of your situation, but there is a thread here for whining. There is some nonsense that goes on there, but it is also a comfortable place to share what's going on in your life.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-whiners.html

Dee74

I agree with those who said communicate your feelings to your partner.

you can do that now, or wait until after the weekend and give him his trip - but for your sake, don't bottle up those feelings and let them fester too long.

I'd also get rid of that bottle you're saving Branches. Non-drinkers don't need to save bottles.

D

Branches

Thank you all for your sage counsel, and for the link to the whiner's thread!

This is the first time I've been really upset with my hubby since I stopped drinking, so I just ran as fast as I could to you guys rather than the liquor store. You know, the wisdom about the urge to drink passing in about 20 minutes is true. Having a drink wouldn't do anything except make me feel even worse and maybe say or do something unwise. Thank God you all get it.

Actually, I did tell hubby what I told you guys : that I didn't mind him taking a trip and getting a break, but that I was kind of jealous of his willingness to drive a couple hundred miles and do all the things that he's always too tired to do with me. I didn't say it mad, just owned it. Heck, I'm not beating around the bushes anymore. If I'm going to be sober, I'm going to be honest about how I feel - no more stuffing it inside and washing it down.

Thanks again!

trachemys

That is the healthiest thing you've said. Good job!

fallingtogether

Fact: drinking isn't going to change the fact that he's going away with a friend. It brings nothing positive to the situation.

When we are lead by feelings, we can be irrational and impulsive. Do the next right thing. Instead of focusing on what he is doing or not doing, focus on yourself babe. I have been exactly where you are. It got me drunk.

Tell your husband how you feel. For the simple reason to get it out there. Then, move forward. You aren't responsible for his actions or reactions, only your own. You can get through this!!!!

Branches

Thanks -Trachemys, I do want to be healthy.

Falling together, just the fact of you saying you've been where I am helped me enormously.

I appreciate your input very much!!

MidnightBlue

Hi, Branches.

You are still early in recovery and fragile. So, I'd suppose to get rid of the special occasion bottle asap - it's like keeping a snake in your pocket, you never know when it can bite you.

Alcohol doesn't fill emptiness, if it is, it just masks it.

My ex wasn't consistent in his behaviour either - I know where you are. If you feel like having your own party - make it some other way. Spend some time in SPA or whatever you wanted to do, but never dared to afford. Take this time to yourself and think about your situation. I agree - talk to him.

Don't sabotage your sobriety. Lady Chardonnay will tell you a lot of different s**t, don't listen.

Best wishes to you, stay strong)

fallingtogether

Branches, u are very welcome! My recovery was in a bad place when I micro managed my husband. When I was comparing myself to his friends and what they have that I don't! I threw temper tantrums, cried, yelled, silent treatment, etc. it all got me drunk. And guess who it affected? Me!!!! Not him! I was devestated. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Me!!! Not him!!!!

I have since changed the way I think about things. He's an adult too and if he wants to hang out with his friends, then by all means go ahead. I get to hang out with my new friends at aa alot!
So just because he is going away with some friends, it's nothing against you, he's just getting some room to breathe! Take your own path! Message me anytime if you would like! I have a feeling we are alot alike!