CNH08

I must have the thickest skull on the planet. All the signs are there that I am an addict, but I JUST CAN'T ACCEPT IT. I went to an AA meeting where I thought I had an honest moment with myself. But a few days later I am sitting in a bar alone in the afternoon. I had two. I came home and went to yoga. Then I met friends out. I had a two more. I smoked. At the end of the night instead of coming home and going to bed I decided to abuse my ADD meds. I just wanted to continue feeling good. I have never done this before. I am scared because I was not "out of control" and clearly couldn't do the responsible thing. My psychiatrist knows about my past drug use and will not fill a script until it is time for it to be filled.

Fast forward to today and I find myself doing the same thing and I didn't even want to. It is like I am deliberately doing things I don't even want to do just to prove I can.

Last night I kept thinking if I am sober I am not going to be as intuitive, as witty, as relaxed or as sociable. I think it might have something to do with social anxiety and self-confidence. Another thought I had was that giving myself up to a higher power means I will no longer have free will.

I read the 12 steps at my first meeting and they did not appeal to me at all. But I could relate to the three situations presented at the first step. I know AA does not "furnish initial motivation for alcoholics to recover" so is it ok if I go to another meeting while trying to sort this all out?

I debated posting in the March thread about not taking my sobriety seriously and would be back when I did because I don't want to waste any attention or attract any undue attention. I didn't know what the purpose of posting that would be and how it would serve others. I am not sure this is much better. But I have been here for a few days reading and posting and I almost feel like I owe to those of you who have reached out to be honest with what is going on with me and not just disappear.

This is a great place with amazingly supportive, wise, tireless, and passionate people. You have all presented me with tools I can use in my recovery if I choose to stay sober. Thank you for giving me a chance.

trachemys

Have you been here: rational.org ?

coraltint

yes it is. The 4:30pm meetings at LPAC (Sheffield 1 block north of Armitage) are good with a mix of people who are just getting sober & some who have been at it for a while. Every weekday.

Good luck!!

CNH08

Thanks coraltint. I just looked at the booklet I got at the meeting I went to and I don't see them listed. Are they open? Can I attend a closed meeting?

Coldfusion

Closed meetings are for those who have a desire to quit drinking; open meetings are for anyone who is interested in the program.