ee1979

My name is Eddie, and I have been struggling with alcohol for many years. I'm writing this for myself as much as anything.. sometimes just getting everything down on 'paper' seems cathartic.. There are so many questions I ask myself even now when it comes to alcohol;

Why does alcohol make me crazy and bring out another personality, or 'bad side' of me which my sober self cannot recognize, and feels ashamed of?

Why can't I drink in moderation? I used to have to look at the speed my friends were drinking in order to moderate my drinking speed, and try not to stand out as a binger; I couldn't get it in fast enough

Why do I lie to myself about drinking? I tell myself I have changed, I can handle alcohol now, and then after a few days abstinence end up on a reckless binge, which inevitably resulted in hurting myself, or a loved one.

The answer I accept now; I have a problem with drinking. I am an alcoholic. I cannot manage alcohol effectively, and if I drink, I will wreck my life, my health, and cause trauma and bring unhappiness on those closest to me. I stopped drinking on the 25th of July last year, after a fourteen hour drinking session. Beer was always my tipple of choice. I only drank wine when I was pretending to drink for the taste, not because I needed it. That day, my wife (a few weeks pregnant) was out of town, and I had hit a couple of bars with some friends. At some point, my friends had left to go home, and I was sitting at the bar, drinking with strangers. I only remember coming to stumbling home at 10am in the morning in bright sunshine, wrecked out of my face, with that familiar feeling of shame. Feeling ashamed for the mess that I was. Going out and getting wasted with random strangers with a baby on the way. I was finally becoming the man I had always promised myself I would never be; my grand father. He liked to beat the **** out of my dad and his sister after coming home in a dark, fowl mood with alcohol boiling in his blood.

I had tried many times before to stop, but this time felt more poignant, more significant. At 33 years old, and with the cracks firmly appearing, I knew I could not continue to be a waster and keep the valuable things in my life.. my wife, baby to come, decent job, house.. all of it was on the line.

I did not drink after that for some time. In fact, I had a glass of champagne with my wife on the 17th of September, 55 days after I had quit. That was a strange thing to do maybe... Im still not sure about that. But I didn't drink anything more than that glass.

I abstained from alcohol until Christmas Day, when I drank two glasses of wine with family. It was Christmas with the family, and a bit of a milestone for me.

Since then, I have drank one glass of champagne at New Year, and a glass of wine at a dinner in January. Do I still count my days? Yes I do. But I am still terrified of alcohol, and the effect it has on me. I still question my sobriety every day, and question whether I will relapse into drunken frenzies in the next few years.

Life without alcohol, for me personally, is incredibly rewarding, and mainly a lot calmer than before. I also managed to stop smoking this year (after 16 years of Lucky Strikes) and was very impressed with myself until smoking my first cigarette since quitting two days ago (I gave up on the 31st of Dec last year). I don't intend to start again, and Im not even sure why I smoked that one cigarette.

What is constant, and inevitable, is that if I stop believing I have a problem, I will start drinking again. I know that with a feeling of strong certainty. It is that acceptance of my disease that I feel I may be able to beat it. And the battle will last the rest of my life.

A friend came out with a bit of a sound-byte the other day and said "Smokers who quit smoking are never non-smokers, they are just smokers who are not smoking". I guess that you can apply the same philosophy to drinkers.

I owe huge amounts of gratitude to you, the people on this amazing website, for your support, non-judgemental acceptance and unquestioning kindness to me, and many others at times when we are in the depths of despair. This community is a resource without which, I would most likely still be drinking today. So, thank you; all of you, for sharing your experiences, words of support, and listening to me drone on about my life. Thank you for being here. It's not over, and never will be. And yet, we can always come here, at any time of day or night, and find immeasurable support on these forums.

Eddie
(proud and sober dad of 1 month old baby girl)

doggonecarl

Eddie, you have drank. If you keep relaxing the "rules" of sobriety, maybe you'll drink again. And how will you know if you'll stop at one or two?

I'm glad you are doing better. Happy for you. I don't think counting is a prerequisite to recovery. But if you are going to count, be honest to yourself about it.

Continued success.

Dee74

Eddie I could never imagine not drinking again - but my drinking nearly literally killed me.
I had to change or die.

I was prepared to do whatever it took - I made the changes in my life that were necessary.

I can't have those couple of wines at Xmas or a toast at a dinner because I'll risk open the door to a madness I never want to experience again.

I also don't won't to risk the life I've built which depends on me staying sober.

Take my advice and get off the fence eddie - build a life you love that depends on you staying sober too - the joy from that beats any kind of fear, anytime

D

Anna

Eddie, you are drinking. You've yet to make the commitment to a sober life and recovery.

It's good that you're drinking less, but it's a slippery slope.

TheEnd

Stop listening to the "bull" people are feeding you. Smokers who quit smoking are never non-smokers, they are just smokers who are not smoking. You can go with this logic if you like, but I think it's detrimental in the long run. When you quit something (smoking, gambling, drugs, etc...) you need to make a lifestyle change and remove those thoughts out of your life. When I was just taking breaks from drinking, I just said I wasn't drinking. Now that I have quit alcohol for good, I'm a non-drinker. It's a state of mind, obviously you're not there yet and you will never be there if you keep allowing yourself to drink.

britabroad

Can I just say to Eddie....to me he sounds amazing and I at the moment can only dream of the success he has had not drinking. And you sound like a lovely guy, Eddie, and I related to loads of what you said.

But I'm starting to get what the old-timers like Dee and Anna say (hope you both don't mind me calling you old-timers, I mean it with the utmost respect) , and am starting (only starting, mind you) to agree with them. Maybe it is all or nothing.

I am still figuring it all out myself, Eddie, but welcome and ((hugs)).

DrunkTx

Wow. wow. Suspending the fact that this is a catchy line, and purely focusing on the actual words themselves in the context of their overall meaning - that is the most profound thing I have ever heard. I have always considered myself of the most fortunate alcoholics - one who licked it the first time; and without ever getting that bad. I have tried to verbalize why it has worked, and have failed miserably. It's worked because of what you just said, I have built a life that I love that depends on me staying sober!

wow.

Will69

Eddie, you seem a bit like me, though I am 43 and wasted a good few years more hurting myself and others.
The thing about one glass of champagne is interesting, and I have wondered about the significance of having one drink a lot, though the cravings for 'one drink have diminished.
I have been going to a counsellor, we talked about the possibility of drinking again, and she said give it 6 months at least. I immediately began looking forward to that day, still 4 months away. Confirmation, I suppose, that drink is too big an issue!
I have managed 3 months next week, it is easier and I realise that it is really a question of fundamental long term change in how I live my life as much as anything.
Good luck.

deeker

[QUOTE=ee1979;3851143]
Why can't I drink in moderation? I used to have to look at the speed my friends were drinking in order to moderate my drinking speed, and try not to stand out as a binger; I couldn't get it in fast enough
/QUOTE]

Big Book Online - the doctor's opinion Maybe this will answer some questions.

Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

nigey1

Hey Eddie big congrats on the progress, no mean feat. I really relate to the pacing your drinks so people dont notice how far ahead of them you are. Thats a flashing neon warning sign eh.

Mate I moderated for a bit and did OK but it kept creeping up with the occasional binge. In the end I just jumped in boots and all, new job, moved house, wife took on a big committment, basically turned our lives upside down and took on some risk.

I got some skin in the game now and everything depends on me staying off the booze. I'm building a life worth staying sober for.

Plus my boy has never seen me drunk, there's a record I dont want to break.

gaffo

The longer I go the less I think about drinking and then it's mostly to deal with someone else's problems. I swear it's like a bad song that I couldn't get out of my head...

I was thinking about my kids and my sobriety the other day and I realized that in addition to not drinking for them, because of them, to be a good responsible dad, etc. they are fun people to hang out with without drinking. They never ever suggest that we go to a bar or pick up a bottle on the way home!

jkb

Eddie-
I really enjoyed your post. I myself will never be able to have "one glass" of anything and this is theory (in my head) that I choose to never test. However, it sounds like it is working for you. Congrats on the new baby and best of luck in everything, Jess