I quit, husband hasn't
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 1
I quit, husband hasn't
I quit drinking about two months ago and haven't looked back. I feel great, have lost weight, my brain feels sharper. After the first week or so, I had absolutely no desire to drink again. I quit initially because I was cutting back on carbs and had such a scary craving to drink! I never thought of myself as an alcoholic, but in hindsight I think I was. I drank every day, would plan "errands" that would bring me by a liquor store I hadn't visited in a while. And I noticed the two little bottles of wine (the ones that come in a four pack) were turning into two bottles and a shot and if my hubby brought home wine (which he always does) I was having yet another glass. Yeah, I had a problem.
Problem is...my husband--the one I always thought had the problem--has absolutely no interest in quitting. I'm starting to really not like him at all. I can't stand it if he gets amorous and I can smell it on his breath. Really makes me sick. He thinks I'm holier than thou, which to be honest, I sort of am. I quit, why can't he. Or why can't he even make an attempt or try to understand that I'm proud of myself? His drinking as been a huge problem our whole 20 years of marriage, but I figured I was a huge hypocrite to complain when I drank, too. Now that I don't, it's so annoying to see him drunk. Just love the "conversations" we have after he's downed two full-sized bottles of wine and a pint of jack. So enlightening!
Anyone else newly sober living with an alcoholic?
Problem is...my husband--the one I always thought had the problem--has absolutely no interest in quitting. I'm starting to really not like him at all. I can't stand it if he gets amorous and I can smell it on his breath. Really makes me sick. He thinks I'm holier than thou, which to be honest, I sort of am. I quit, why can't he. Or why can't he even make an attempt or try to understand that I'm proud of myself? His drinking as been a huge problem our whole 20 years of marriage, but I figured I was a huge hypocrite to complain when I drank, too. Now that I don't, it's so annoying to see him drunk. Just love the "conversations" we have after he's downed two full-sized bottles of wine and a pint of jack. So enlightening!
Anyone else newly sober living with an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Hi Writer,
Congratulations on your 2 months! That's fantastic!!
I am only on 18 days, but I too struggle with my husbands drinking. I can't stand the smell of it on him, and find that sitting around, watching him drink, completely irritates the heck out of me. I wish that I had some advice for you, but I am in the same boat. I'm struggling with my thoughts and emotions about his drinking. On one hand, I know that I should give this time, as I am recovering and my brain is not quite right. On the other, I just don't even want to be around him.
Oh, and I loved your "enlightening" comment. My husband is a brilliant conversationalist after a few....much as I once was.... Guess I should cut him some slack and focus on myself...
Best to you and your situation.
Congratulations on your 2 months! That's fantastic!!
I am only on 18 days, but I too struggle with my husbands drinking. I can't stand the smell of it on him, and find that sitting around, watching him drink, completely irritates the heck out of me. I wish that I had some advice for you, but I am in the same boat. I'm struggling with my thoughts and emotions about his drinking. On one hand, I know that I should give this time, as I am recovering and my brain is not quite right. On the other, I just don't even want to be around him.
Oh, and I loved your "enlightening" comment. My husband is a brilliant conversationalist after a few....much as I once was.... Guess I should cut him some slack and focus on myself...
Best to you and your situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi there Writer,
Just had to respond to you. I was reading your story and I was wondering "when did I get up and post this, and did I really change my user name"?
That is how similar own stories are except I don't drink wine, I drank beer.
I also stopped drinking beer years ago, to go on a low carb diet. I didn't even consider I was an alcoholic. I guess I did have withdrawals, but I attributed that to carb withdrawals. I was fine after the first 3 days with lowering the carb intake (beer intake?) I felt so much better, I was losing the weight, I was exercising, I was making all these good changes in my life. I did this for almost 2 years.
But, my husband still drank. Would call me "the saint" all the time, and what do I think I am perfect now that I don't drink. He was abusive to me before I quit drinking, but the abuse got even worse, I guess because he had one less thing to blame me for to take the focus off of him.
I didn't want to be around him when he drank. He would ask me to go out to the bar with him, and I would, but I would get water, I wouldn't even allow myself a coke. So of course that would start a fight. Everything started a fight.
I did ask him to quit also, and listed a lot of things that we could do together without drinking. My response from him was, "this is my last beer --------till I get my next one".
He then started to go out a lot to drink with his friends, because I wasn't fun anymore.
Please don't end it like I did. I returned to drinking. I couldn't deal with him drunk anymore, couldn't listen to his mouth anymore. I drank till I left him, then I drank for another 2 years. Quit again for almost a year, had a 4 month relapse, but now I am finally doing pretty good.
I have no advice for you, since I needed to end the marriage, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Edited to add: Congrats, it's not easy to do. Stick to it. You made a great choice in giving up the wine, and also sticking to the diet. You also have clarity now, and you can see things for what they are, and make decisions based on that.
Just had to respond to you. I was reading your story and I was wondering "when did I get up and post this, and did I really change my user name"?
That is how similar own stories are except I don't drink wine, I drank beer.
I also stopped drinking beer years ago, to go on a low carb diet. I didn't even consider I was an alcoholic. I guess I did have withdrawals, but I attributed that to carb withdrawals. I was fine after the first 3 days with lowering the carb intake (beer intake?) I felt so much better, I was losing the weight, I was exercising, I was making all these good changes in my life. I did this for almost 2 years.
But, my husband still drank. Would call me "the saint" all the time, and what do I think I am perfect now that I don't drink. He was abusive to me before I quit drinking, but the abuse got even worse, I guess because he had one less thing to blame me for to take the focus off of him.
I didn't want to be around him when he drank. He would ask me to go out to the bar with him, and I would, but I would get water, I wouldn't even allow myself a coke. So of course that would start a fight. Everything started a fight.
I did ask him to quit also, and listed a lot of things that we could do together without drinking. My response from him was, "this is my last beer --------till I get my next one".
He then started to go out a lot to drink with his friends, because I wasn't fun anymore.
Please don't end it like I did. I returned to drinking. I couldn't deal with him drunk anymore, couldn't listen to his mouth anymore. I drank till I left him, then I drank for another 2 years. Quit again for almost a year, had a 4 month relapse, but now I am finally doing pretty good.
I have no advice for you, since I needed to end the marriage, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Edited to add: Congrats, it's not easy to do. Stick to it. You made a great choice in giving up the wine, and also sticking to the diet. You also have clarity now, and you can see things for what they are, and make decisions based on that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
The day I got my bad lab results I got into the truck with my husband and told him I was done with the wine. He said 'me too'. We were done and had been talking about what a negative drinking was for us for a really long time. At one point, we stopped for about 6 months a few years ago.
We have been together for almost 30 years and we have been through a lot.
Ironically - just a bit of trivia - the lo-carb diet started out in the 70's as "The drinking man's diet". I lost a lot of weight during it's hey-day a few years back.
I would feel very dissapointed if my SO did not stop with me. I am sorry that you have to go through this alone.
We have been together for almost 30 years and we have been through a lot.
Ironically - just a bit of trivia - the lo-carb diet started out in the 70's as "The drinking man's diet". I lost a lot of weight during it's hey-day a few years back.
I would feel very dissapointed if my SO did not stop with me. I am sorry that you have to go through this alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Inbetween dances
Posts: 548
Hey W! Congrats on 2 months. I can relate to your post. This might be a little long, but bare with me.
I have a drinking problem. I quit. I sought the help of AA. I needed to do this for me. I had almost four months sobriety. And relapsed. Thinking I could have a couple here and there. It ended in complete shame and humility. A place I never want to revisit again!
That relapse happened because I am an alcoholic. It's what we do, if we aren't careful. I spent alot of time and energy looking for excuses to be able to drink like a normie. Like my husband. Somewhere along the line, I decided that if he wasn't going to stop his addictive behaviors, then why should I? I have struggled with this for nearly two years.
When I got sober, it was like system overload. Every little thing he did I was super sensitive to. I threw temper tantrums, I cried, I manipulated, and eventually, I drank. At first he thought I was holier than though because he has his own addictions, and watching me change was inferior for him. He no longer knew how to deal with me sober. I could clean up my own messes, didn't stagger to bed and certainly wasn't the playful, drunk induced seducer in bed any more! What happened to his wife? Well, I was no longer escaping the bs of everyday life, and paid much more attention to my surroundings. Didn't agree with his behavior anymore. Didn't like him going out with his friends. How dare him? If I can't, why can he?
What I learned is the micro managing someone else's life leads me to a relapse. My problem is mine. And mine alone. While my problems caused problems with other people, them changing their behaviors should not impact my actions. My sobriety depends on my changing my reactions.
Anyways my point is this: my sobriety is mine. I can't spend my time worrying about what other people in my life are doing or not doing. I didn't reach this point til I was ready, and we can expect anyone else to reach their point til they are ready!
I have a drinking problem. I quit. I sought the help of AA. I needed to do this for me. I had almost four months sobriety. And relapsed. Thinking I could have a couple here and there. It ended in complete shame and humility. A place I never want to revisit again!
That relapse happened because I am an alcoholic. It's what we do, if we aren't careful. I spent alot of time and energy looking for excuses to be able to drink like a normie. Like my husband. Somewhere along the line, I decided that if he wasn't going to stop his addictive behaviors, then why should I? I have struggled with this for nearly two years.
When I got sober, it was like system overload. Every little thing he did I was super sensitive to. I threw temper tantrums, I cried, I manipulated, and eventually, I drank. At first he thought I was holier than though because he has his own addictions, and watching me change was inferior for him. He no longer knew how to deal with me sober. I could clean up my own messes, didn't stagger to bed and certainly wasn't the playful, drunk induced seducer in bed any more! What happened to his wife? Well, I was no longer escaping the bs of everyday life, and paid much more attention to my surroundings. Didn't agree with his behavior anymore. Didn't like him going out with his friends. How dare him? If I can't, why can he?
What I learned is the micro managing someone else's life leads me to a relapse. My problem is mine. And mine alone. While my problems caused problems with other people, them changing their behaviors should not impact my actions. My sobriety depends on my changing my reactions.
Anyways my point is this: my sobriety is mine. I can't spend my time worrying about what other people in my life are doing or not doing. I didn't reach this point til I was ready, and we can expect anyone else to reach their point til they are ready!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
This is a difficult situation.
I agree you should be very proud of yourself and how far you've come in feeling better and getting sober. However, it's not up to you to decide your husband should become sober too. Each of us is on this journey and we are right where we are supposed to be. Maybe your husband will follow your example, but he might not be ready.
The main thing is a boundary for you. I couldn't live with someone who was drinking all the time. I know I couldn't. Maybe as you work out some boundaries for yourself to take care of you, you will gain some insight into the relationship.
I agree you should be very proud of yourself and how far you've come in feeling better and getting sober. However, it's not up to you to decide your husband should become sober too. Each of us is on this journey and we are right where we are supposed to be. Maybe your husband will follow your example, but he might not be ready.
The main thing is a boundary for you. I couldn't live with someone who was drinking all the time. I know I couldn't. Maybe as you work out some boundaries for yourself to take care of you, you will gain some insight into the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
My bf and I met in a bar and have been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years. I have been sober for almost 100 days. He has not; he is an alcoholic. My active drinking had pretty terrible results whereas his didn't. I wrecked my car, landed in the hospital twice with two significant medical events, and I've caused much trouble when in my constant drinking blackouts. He just drinks like a fish and then falls asleep and is a bear the next morning. Since I've been sober, I've shed a lot of tears and have had to learn a lot about myself. I am sober and it doesn't mean he needs to. I do, however, need to get better at setting boundaries. I cannot stand the smell of alcohol on his breath. I do not want it around me (we don't live together thank goodness). I have learned that he doesn't always follow through and I have control over how I will react to that. His drinking friends were around before he met me and they are a huge part of his life. I am in therapy as well as reading a ton of books and doing a lot of journaling. Yup...you aren't alone!
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