Hi, I'm Jane and have a question
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4
Hi, I'm Jane and have a question
I don't quite know whether I still belong in AA.
I drank heavily as a teen and in my 20's, and had to have my more or less 5 drinks a night at home (tried to make it light beer), or if I went out I binged and blacked out. I was severely addicted and could not stop, despite feeling like hell every day. I suppose it began as a way of dealing with severe abuse from family members at home, and after I left home, and a way of dealing with my shyness with people.
I finally went to AA and became sober (alcohol-free at least) in 1990. I became involved with and moved in with an AA member who had far less sobriety four years later. He began using alcohol and drugs after he moved in with me (his "sobriety" he had claimed was infact not so) and he became very abusive.
I remained completely alcohol and drug free (was not into drugs anyway) while with him, and even kicked my smoking habit. As the relationship was painful, devastating, and becoming more dangerous, I finally escaped...fled the apartment. He had basically taken everything from me, including most of my money and my credit standing.
My dad died and I had to travel as I was the administrator. Rough weather while flying, and there I was having one glass of wine, my first drink in 8 years.
Since then I have had a drink now and then, and have rarely abused it. However, now one or 2 drinks make me very buzzed and I can't physically tolerate more than this or I get very sick. So I have been having one perhaps once or twice a week, sometimes stopping for one or 2 weeks.
My point is, despite the smaller amounts, I still feel some kind of withdrawal and crankiness and after a week crave a drink. I have moodiness. I like that drink now and then to make the stress and low mood disappear for a while, but I never feel that great afterwards. As I said, even 1 drink has a strong effect on me, and I can barely drink 2 now without feeling really ill.
My life is also somewhat like that of a dry drunk, not very sober, rather disfunctional. I've had quite a few crises in my life (deaths of loved onces, thefts from my bank accounts, feeling betrayed by people) and so I don't know who to trust and therefore isolate (except for my dog, and my previous wonderful dog who literally tried to protect me from my abuser, AND gave me the courage to leave). I'm trying to get my life together now by facing things and taking action, instead of what I tend to do which is avoid and slip into wishful thinking. I'm doing this now because it's down to the wire and my back is against the wall. I have tended to live my life in avoidance and I'm tired of condemning myself to a life of exhile.
I stopped going to AA meetings after about 5 years off alcohol. I was having conflicts with some of the members and felt people I had trusted had betrayed me. Now I'm older and realize that you have to find people you trust, but also, it's about the program and you shouldn't get too hung up on the foibles of human nature.
Anyway I have wanted to go back to AA, but feel somewhat of a fraud since I don't drink heavily anymore (a few years now). Then I tried Alanon, but experienced people going on about personal annoyances, and not much focus on the steps nor on helping or even noticing newcomers.
I also feel that many AA meetings are a bit like that too, and I would love to find one where people are really focusing on the steps and the principals. That is, if I even belong in AA anymore. That I'm not sure. As I have been isolating I get advice from no one (and what is left of my family are not very communicative), so I'm in a bit of a psychological bubble and going around in circles in my head.
I have not had a drink in a week now, and I wonder if I should get through my crankiness and just stay off it, or if I'm cranky for other reasons. I can't see clearly.
I drank heavily as a teen and in my 20's, and had to have my more or less 5 drinks a night at home (tried to make it light beer), or if I went out I binged and blacked out. I was severely addicted and could not stop, despite feeling like hell every day. I suppose it began as a way of dealing with severe abuse from family members at home, and after I left home, and a way of dealing with my shyness with people.
I finally went to AA and became sober (alcohol-free at least) in 1990. I became involved with and moved in with an AA member who had far less sobriety four years later. He began using alcohol and drugs after he moved in with me (his "sobriety" he had claimed was infact not so) and he became very abusive.
I remained completely alcohol and drug free (was not into drugs anyway) while with him, and even kicked my smoking habit. As the relationship was painful, devastating, and becoming more dangerous, I finally escaped...fled the apartment. He had basically taken everything from me, including most of my money and my credit standing.
My dad died and I had to travel as I was the administrator. Rough weather while flying, and there I was having one glass of wine, my first drink in 8 years.
Since then I have had a drink now and then, and have rarely abused it. However, now one or 2 drinks make me very buzzed and I can't physically tolerate more than this or I get very sick. So I have been having one perhaps once or twice a week, sometimes stopping for one or 2 weeks.
My point is, despite the smaller amounts, I still feel some kind of withdrawal and crankiness and after a week crave a drink. I have moodiness. I like that drink now and then to make the stress and low mood disappear for a while, but I never feel that great afterwards. As I said, even 1 drink has a strong effect on me, and I can barely drink 2 now without feeling really ill.
My life is also somewhat like that of a dry drunk, not very sober, rather disfunctional. I've had quite a few crises in my life (deaths of loved onces, thefts from my bank accounts, feeling betrayed by people) and so I don't know who to trust and therefore isolate (except for my dog, and my previous wonderful dog who literally tried to protect me from my abuser, AND gave me the courage to leave). I'm trying to get my life together now by facing things and taking action, instead of what I tend to do which is avoid and slip into wishful thinking. I'm doing this now because it's down to the wire and my back is against the wall. I have tended to live my life in avoidance and I'm tired of condemning myself to a life of exhile.
I stopped going to AA meetings after about 5 years off alcohol. I was having conflicts with some of the members and felt people I had trusted had betrayed me. Now I'm older and realize that you have to find people you trust, but also, it's about the program and you shouldn't get too hung up on the foibles of human nature.
Anyway I have wanted to go back to AA, but feel somewhat of a fraud since I don't drink heavily anymore (a few years now). Then I tried Alanon, but experienced people going on about personal annoyances, and not much focus on the steps nor on helping or even noticing newcomers.
I also feel that many AA meetings are a bit like that too, and I would love to find one where people are really focusing on the steps and the principals. That is, if I even belong in AA anymore. That I'm not sure. As I have been isolating I get advice from no one (and what is left of my family are not very communicative), so I'm in a bit of a psychological bubble and going around in circles in my head.
I have not had a drink in a week now, and I wonder if I should get through my crankiness and just stay off it, or if I'm cranky for other reasons. I can't see clearly.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by JaneB
I also feel that many AA meetings are a bit like that too, and I would love to find one where people are really focusing on the steps and the principals. That is, if I even belong in AA anymore.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Maybe try to find literature meetings or step meetings and stick to them instead of the discussion meetings. Making friends and learning how to be a trustworthy friend take time and aren't always instant. Choose wisely.
You are welcome to return. Find a sponsor who does what they say they will do (walks the talk) and work with them to work the 12 steps.
Pray and meditate along the way. It will all work out!
Hugs,
~SB
You are welcome to return. Find a sponsor who does what they say they will do (walks the talk) and work with them to work the 12 steps.
Pray and meditate along the way. It will all work out!
Hugs,
~SB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
seeing as Jane's moved her thread I'll direct interested parties to the 12 step forum
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-im-jane.html
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...i-im-jane.html
D
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