Jil

Hi everyone!

My name is Jil and I will be sober for 2 years in a few weeks. I haven't been on in a while because things were going great, but something happened recently and I can't figure out what to do.

Yesterday my boyfriend (of 3 years) and I broke up. It was for good reasons and needed to be done, but there is one thing that is really upsetting me. He was willing to become sober for me, because I need to be in a relationship that is 100% free of drugs and alcohol. I can't shake the feeling, though, that in the far future when I am ready to date again, it will be impossible to find another man who is willing to make this commitment. I think I may have gotten lucky with this situation, but now I feel like it was a once in a lifetime deal. I think that may have been what kept us together for longer than it should have.

I know that I'm not ready to look for a relationship again, and need to do some self discovery, but it is very difficult when I start thinking about the fact that it's rare to find someone in the same position as me.

I suppose I just would like some perspective, and I would appreciate any comments you have (good or bad). I understand that asking someone to stay away from drugs and alcohol for me is unreasonable, but I am also not willing to give up my value of being in a 100% drug and alcohol free committed relationship. So, this makes me feel like I'll never find this situation again.

Thanks

auden67

I think that is a very scary thought for most people in recovery. My BF is not sober, but we don't really have it around the house anymore. He definitely changed his habits to work with me. I think if you need a fellow teetotaler, I would just be honest. There are many folks out there, in recovery and not, who do not drink or do drugs. Maybe try an online dating site? At least there you can specify.

I know its scary, but there are so many people out there who live very different lives. I think if you remain open and honest, you will find opportunities for love. Good luck!

2granddaughters

How is he doing?

Dee74

Hi Jil

I would try not to worry - there are a lot of people who live healthily and do not drink or take drugs...there's also a lot more people who I'm sure would be happy to give up those things if they were asked to by the right person

I think your odds are pretty good

congrats on your just about 2 years too

D

SparkleKitty

For people whose lives have been affected by alcohol as much as the people on SR's lives have been affected by it, it can be difficult to imagine that there are lots of folks out there for whom being asked to abstain for the right person would be a no-brainer.

Hanna

Don't worry! There are plenty of people out there that don't drink at all. Have you seen the stats?

And if you are willing to try online dating, the dating sites actually have that as a part of the profile. You will be pleasantly surprised to find that there are many high quality singles out there that respond "I do not drink".

Anna

As time goes on, you might feel less worried about this situation. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was drinking either and I'm grateful that we never keep alcohol in the house. I think if you stay focused on your recovery now, things will work out and the right person will come along.

hypochondriac

Well done on 2 years Jil

I have no experience to offer but this is something that concerns me too. I have noticed though that there are drinkers and there are drinkers. Some people drink very little and that's almost as good as being teetotal. As long as they don't drink in an unhealthy way it needn't be an issue, and preferably if they don't drink around you. I am not sure how this would work as a prerequisite though as I learnt long ago that it isn't a good idea to have stipulations about someone you're willing to have a relationship with... I think in these situations it's common to think 'I'll never find that again' but like you said, you split up for good reasons, you don't know what the future holds and that can be a good thing. I'm sure it'll all work out for the best x

janiebluebird

Jil, I have been worried about the same issue as I don't want to date someone who drinks for leisure - I actually see it as a very different lifestyle. People who drink tend to surround outings around it, even if they aren't alcoholics, its still a prominent part of their lives (in my perspective). When I feel that it is time for me to date, I do plan to take the online dating route, as people have mentioned. You can specifically search people who do not drink. There are lots of free sites now with tons of people on them - plentyoffish, okcupid.

Congrats on two years.

TrixMixer

Hi Jil,

Just work on Your sobriety, the rest will fall into place.

First it will take time but you will eventually realize the world is going to drink and you can'tn ask everyone to stop because you have a problem. So once your sobriety is solid it will become less of an issue---unless of course you fall for another alcoholic--then I would say

You can't help who you fall in love with but you can know a BAR isn't where you're going to meet him--Stay with safe places, LOL

ClearLight

How true - there are tons of folks out there that don't want to drink or take drugs.
For many it's not because they're addicted but, rather, a lifestyle decision.
Check this out:
List of teetotalers - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Everybody from Prince to Kim Cattrall to Steven King to Kelly Osbourne.

mfsteve1

I think you nailed it when you said that asking someone to give up alcohol or drugs for you is unreasonable. You're correct.

guskasb14

Hi Jill, Amazing on 2 years! Im on seven days so thats inspiring! I recently had a break up as well, a lot of it actually led me to sobriety. I have very rough days with the relationship, but for me the break up was a good thing, but 4 years is a long time either way. My dreams arent about drinking, they are about her trying to get back together with me. I am a very very social person, and it needs to be a part of my life and sobriety as well. I can tell you where I live, their are a lot of people who dont drink. Lots for religion, lots for personal preference. I keep telling myself to focus on me, and when that someone comes a long don't miss it, but dont focus on it. Some of the greatest things in my life came out of now where when I wasnt looking! At the same time the online dating is fun, and I know some friends who have gotten married through it. It also does give you a chance to throw your preferences out their! I have felt very a lone latley, but the forums and what not have helped me through it. For me, i am okay dating someone who drinks a little, with the forefront that I am not drinking. Most people who dont have a drinking problem have no problem not doing that! I wish you the best, and I can tell you I havent been this emotional over a break up, but I am dealing with it, just like a lot of sober people do.......one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time......

Thanks for the post!

deeker

Go to AA meetings? Maybe you will find Prince charming there one day. Try not to project is what my sponsor would tell me. Stay in the day. God Bless!

Jil

Thanks for your support guys. I'm not sure how he is doing, we decided that it would be best to go 'no contact', so I haven't heard from him since the break up. I'm sure we're both pretty devastated.

I have been to AA meetings before and can honestly say they made me somewhat uncomfortable. I do not understand the whole 'higher power' thing; I do get that it's not supposed to be strictly religious, but the way the meetings are structured, I just can't look past that.

And yes, I can't ask someone to be sober for me. Is it too much to ask for a 100% sober relationship though? I am limiting the number of people I will meet and date, but if it's something I feel strongly about I shouldn't try to change just because it would make things easier, right?

I appreciate all your support guys. I feel much better about everything. I think the reason this breakup has been so difficult is that it's my first one sober- I don't have my old friend alcohol to turn to. But I can honestly say it's been a much faster process, and now I'm actually dealing with my feelings and emotions about it in a positive way.

TypicalPisces

Jil - welcome back and congrats on almost two years!!! That is wonderful! I can relate to your feelings about AA.

Rest assured that there are many that do not drink. I'm recently single as well and am learning to live with myself. I know that sounds odd, but after being in a relationship for so long, I'm enjoying this window of ... as you put it... self discovery. Don't worry about finding someone new who will fit your lifestyle. You will.