gatefoldcover

I am working the 9th step now, and was wondering 1) how do determine who to keep on or off my list of people to amend to(with?) and 2) am I free to craft what I say or need I stick to some strict script that my sponsor would suggest? Thanks !

Kevin

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. We have a whole forum for twelve steps:

Alcoholism-12 Step Support - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

bbthumper

First, good for you for doing the work and asking questions.
I would seek guidance from your sponsor or others in the program regarding each amend you feel you need to make. It is important to have other's input for a couple of reasons IMO. One, I dont always see how I could potentially cause harm to others. Two, I sometimes can come up with what I think is a justifiable reason not to make an amends when really it is fear or self centeredness.

gatefoldcover

Thanks for your replies, but I'm still wondering... if I ask myself whom I have hurt, that could potentially mean nearly everyone I have ever talked to, because as a spiritually sick person, EVERY THING you say or do, EVER... is probably hurting someone, so that would mean amending to everyone you ever knew. Where do I draw the line on "hurt"? (please do not just copy and paste a sentence from the big book here, thanks ) And what about part 2 of my question, am I free to craft what I say or do I need to stick to some strict script that my sponsor would suggest? Thanks !

doggonecarl

I guess you could look at it this way. But I suggest not focusing on "potential" hurt, but those in your immediate circle who have been impacted by your drinking. Start with family and friends. Work you way down to the shopkeeper you might have be rude to.

sugarbear1

We find this stuff out in our 5th step.

gatefoldcover

...that's the thing... if I worry about who I "might" have been rude to, then you need to seek out a time to speak to everyone you ever knew... the shopkeeper you might have been rude to, for example, and sit them down, and make a formal amends... how many people you "might" have been rude to do you put on this list? This becomes very subjective. where do you draw the line?

gatefoldcover

Also, am I free to make the amends my own way or does Bill W. have a handy script for that?

bbthumper

As every amends has variables I would highly suggest sitting with your sponsor and discussing each amend you need to make. Use the Big Book as a guide as it covers pretty much everything you need to know about the 9th step. Use your 4th step list to create your 8th step. Say a prayer and ask God to reveal to you those to whom you owe an amends. If a name pops into your head then you should add it to your list. There is no script. I have always used this as a guideline though:
"I did this to you which caused you harm"
"What can I do to make things right"
"Is there anything else Ive done to hurt you or anything else youd like to tell me?"
THose are some key items I try to include in my amends.