junk33

VB , I cant take it any more , i really cant , how much BS do we take? yes ,i was a ******* , yes i said **** that i regret every day ,but when does it stop ? i cant reverse the past , what is said is said ,what is done is done , ...so we try to get better and we get this **** held against us day after day , month after month , year after year?.. whats the point ? im very bitter about this ..ive admitted im a ass , ive said im sorry , but they an pull this past experience out any time they want to argue? whats the point of coming clean when people use it against you?..time after time

vegibean

And again, my X and I divorced, and it never shocked me that I was able to stay sober as long as I did. Without him in my life, I am more at peace, I have ME back, I'm not taking care of him any more and the way he lives is a reflection of how much I really did for him. His house is disgusting, our son is over indulged, and there is no continuous structure for our sone (that went on 24-7 with me around, now that I'm in my own home, my son has structure at least half of the time without interference from dad), and I'm much happier.

I'm not telling you to file for divorce AT ALL, but what I am saying is that living in unhealthy situations makes us unhealthy.

Again, this is my experience, also why I don't want you to focus on what everyone else says. When I last saw my therapist, told her that I had been sober for the "last two weeks and have finally had some great sober time to observe what is going on around me", I realized that I REALLY needed to express to my son and bf that the shenanigans were ENOUGH!!

PS - My son and bf are totally on board with what I'm asking of them, it's pretty much them slinging sh*t at each other, but it aggravates me to no end that two people I love are doing that right in front of me. It's important that they get along, that we all get along.

I relate, slightly different, but when you're trying to do the right thing, support is great, and a healthy environment is important too. If I had to listen all day to how horrible I was, and what a bad job I was doing, I would check out too, one way or another. Choose the option that's best for you junk, YOU TOTALLY DESERVE IT!

escapist

Is it easier to take when you are drinking? I found that when I was drinking it was more nervewracking to deal with difficult people. When I am sober I still sometimes feel like I can't take another minute but I am rational and clear most of the time. I can see when it's me or them. If it's their trip then I try to stay out of it. Self preservation.

If my husband wants to go off on an insult tangent there is not a lot I can do about it. I do call him on his stuff. If the goal is to make me feel like crap about myself then he doing his best. I don't have to believe it and I am not buzzed enough to think I can talk him into to being a nice person. I don't know if I am making sense or not. These are my newly sober ideas.

junk33

I hear you all , im a lame ass newbie now lol ..this 29 days was my second longest quit .. I wish it wouldve gone on .i couldve, no problem
I want to be in a supportive ,loving relationship , we enjoy a movie or roller skating or walking the dogs ..why cant this happen? Iam not asking for the moon,i dont know ?

MsJax

It really sucks to give your power away and when one drinks over someone else that's what is happening. Drunk or sober, it sounds like your wife will be the same. I'm so thankful my relationship of 16 years ended in 2009. It is our choice, how we live. Relationships take so much but they are not meant to be misery. Half of my life is over. I always keep in mind the small around of time we have. In sobriety I am very thankful to even have my life.

How do I want to live? What do I want? Have I chosen well? Am I being a victim? Am I giving good? Am I a good force in the world?

You have so many options. I sure hope you put the bottle down. Your 29 days were no waste. Best wishes junk

Kat60

Hey junk

Please don't demonized yourself right now. I too know how you feel. i spent years with a narcissist who would put me down, ridicule, blame EVERYTHING on me and there was not one fight that was ever resolved. it was always rehashed ad nauseam ... and that was even before I started drinking. Not sure why I stayed so long....I have since figured things out and I am happily alone now until I can learn to invite positive energy in to my life. It's ok by me. I'd Rather be alone than with someone and be lonely.

Anyway, It's a rough spot no doubt and I know jaw Hirt an PO'd you are, but there is still time to stop drinking tonight without a lot of damage done. If you continue it WILL be worse...

Please stop! xoxo

junk33

I know , but it is too late , Ill have to start over , I feel so bad , i was so happy , I just wanted to move on , have somebody support me and hug me ,tell me im doing good , im soo bad right now , and this is so weak to me , im a big ,strong male , i feel so weak ,im broken ..i feel pathetic even posting this .
my spouse expected me the strong one , provide for the family , my drinking has crumbled me ,im a fraction of the man i shouldve been

Kat60

Well I am sending a virtual hug your way junk. And you are doing good and you can get past this!!! I know you can. Starting over will be much easier if you start now.... You know that....

You are strong and you can be the man you want to be. Start now. This too can pass and one day does not mean you have failed. Just a blip in the road of life if you stop now.....

shoreladylu

Congrats! Thirty days is awesome! We here at SR can relate to you and know how hard those 30 days were fought to remain sober. If your wife has never had an addiction, she probably can't see things in your shoes. I'm not saying she was right, in fact I think it was awful to do that on your birthday and 30 days sober mark (30 days is a big accomplishment!). What I am saying is just like you're not "cured" of alcoholism and its affects after thirty days, neither is she. All the things that occurred as a result of your drinking dont go away that quickly for you or her. I don't know what the solution to her picking on you is, but don't let it ruin your 30 days. Everyday you survive the b.s. is another day that makes you stronger!

waterhill42

Junk33 I am so happy for you! keep going! I am behind you literally. tell her to take her miserable ass to her moms house. she must support you in this endeavor. if she won't, then adios vaca. she has to. if she wants to be happy. You cannot do this if your partner won't support you and tow the line. Mine would not, she chose alcohol over me. Her loss. I am lonely and I have been scared to death damn near, but you know what? I am stronger now. I am stronger than I have ever been. You cannot have the negative **** in your life, leave or kick her to the curb. It hurts but it has to be done.

shoreladylu

If you don't drink tomorrow you will have 30 out of 31 days sober. Don't let the number be a reason to give up. The changes you have made and the fact that you could feel good about yourself is more important than any number. Keep going, this is just a slip!

paul99

If I were there, you'd get a big hug from me.

Your posts touch me deeply.

You're a good man, J. You're not bad. None of us are bad. Our alcoholism brings us to places where we make poor choices. Bad choices. But we aren't bad. You aren't bad, J.

Self-forgiveness is a powerful, healing thing. I recently found myself forgiving myself for how I was, what I did. Doesn't mean I excused myself or put it on anyone else. It was mine to take, but I let myself forgive myself. Doesn't matter if the wife does or does not forgive you, love or does not love you. If you have love for yourself, forgiveness for yourself, a hand out to those who need you, you're still a man...a great, strong man.

That was a lesson that took me a year and a half to learn.

Stick around. I guarantee that you've helped someone else with this thread that you say you wish you hadn't posted. You can get 30 days again - and more.

All the best

renaldo

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. It reminds me of a three frame cartoon. In each frame the guy is sitting on the sofa watching TV. In the first frame his girlfriend comes in the door and says, "the house is on fire." No response.

In the second frame she's at the door very distraught saying, "the Martians are invading!" Again, no response.

In the final frame she comes in with her arms crossed saying, "we need to talk!" and the boyfriend said, "Oh God, no!"

renaldo

I've found confession to be really cleansing, but you don't want to be indiscriminate about who you do it with.

Seiceps

Hi j , hope yr still around. My man just left, didn't tell me he has rented another place, listened to me weep on the phone saying I needed his help and said I have no empathy for you. That was hard. I have stopped drinking to try and get our family back together. But , now I'm thinking of all the sh$$ ty stuff he has done and how me being drunk allowed him to do that. Maybe it won't work out with our partners ? But you said it was working out for you being sober and you felt good. My god it's sooooo hard I know but we both know being drunk isn't going to fix it. Sux aye ? My daughters bought me chocolates and said they loved me , your daughter said she lived you , it's more than some people have. Maybe it's enough ? X best x

MattyB

Happy B-day! If your wife in nagging at you, chances are she is craving your attention and presence.

junk33

Thx Paul , your post really touched me ..im waiting for my wife to get home and im gonna spill the beans ,and i hope she does as well ...have a heart to heart...
I cant bring myself to not blame me ...I was so happy after 30 days but i still thought it was my fault? I think everything is my fault..she attacks me and i think im the bad guy for something i did? I wish i could have somebody i could truly love ,somebody i could hold and confide in without being ridiculed ..sucks ,i know ...well she just walked in ..time for me to try and mend this ..most likely ill be sleeping alone and full of guilt for something i have no clue about ?

Fallow

Hope all went well with the talk.

Sometimes the change is tough for those around us. As I got sober my wife felt as though she lost control over me. She encouraged me to drink again in the past, it was a yearning for normalcy.

When her or anyone else gets on my case now, I jump immediately to the question 'do you want to get drunk over this Fallow?'. Not just do I want a cocktail, but do I want to get wasted because my wife had a bad day? Nope. Cant afford it. I refuse to let her or anyone else lead me to kill myself. I might die if I relapse again, period.

What other people think of me is none of my business. That includes my wife.

You can do this.

CharlieNoogan

junk33 - I hope you keep at it. Your story is my story.

I too made many attempts to get off booze because that's what she wanted. I felt so awful about the crap I put her through over the years because of my drinking. I was in the same boat- drinking or not, I was constantly reminded of my past failures. I would stop for a week, or a month, or three months but it was never enough.

For awhile she would praise my efforts and I would start to feel better about myself. But then the nagging and the blaming would return because I didn't magically transform into the perfect person she thought I should be sans alcohol. It all added up to destroying my self-esteem over and over again.

Ultimately, I would give up. What was the point in being sober if I still had to hear about those past escapades when I would forget to take out the trash?

I have come to realize that getting sober to please her was never going to work. I had to do it for myself, on my own terms. Hitting a very deep bottom was part of it, but now that we are apart I can focus entirely on myself. At first it was very painful to have no contact. Now that I have regained some clarity, I wouldn't have it any other way. She was a classic codependent. My addiction made her just as sick as me and neither of us were going to get better with just booze out of the equation.

You are going to have to make some changes. It won't be easy. Physical separation might be the only way. As long as you have to endure being berated for ordering pay-per-view, or any other number of trivial "offenses," your addict voice will win, and you will drink.

Apart, you can both heal and get better. Together, the cycle will continue. One day down the road when you are both better, perhaps the relationship can rekindle. Love is a tough emotion to deal with when loving means being apart.

I really hope you decide to do this for yourself. Your strength as a man will pull you through if you give it a chance.

junk33

Thx charlie , i really appreciate someone who has been exactly in my shoes , it was like i typed that myself ...