SoberinChi

Hi all,

Just a little background on me: I'm a 29 year old male who lives in Chicago. I used to work as a financial analyst but got fired in July 2012, pretty much due to my alcoholism. My sobriety date is 8/23/12.

I'm curious what advice the forum could give on early recovery. I know you're not supposed to date your first year, but come on, I'm a 29 year old male.

A few questions:
- What are the reasons you aren't supposed to date your first year? Do you subscribe to this?

- When on a date, what do you say if your date asks you why you aren't drinking? How do you handle this awkward moment?

- Am I better off dating someone in the rooms?

- I feel like I've totally lost my ability to flirt/chat up what without alcohol. How to overcome this? I obviously drank during my alcoholism as a social lubricant.

Thanks all, really appreciate it.

Eric

LexieCat

Hi, Eric,

We just discussed this recently--here is the thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-rule.html

As we noted, this isn't a hard and fast rule, but it IS what most of us think is good advice.

WHEN you do date, the question of why you aren't drinking can be simply answered: You don't drink. If asked why, all you need to say early on is that you decided it isn't good for you. But if the relationship advances beyond a few dates it would be a bad idea not to share the fact that you are in recovery. It may scare some people off, but not all.

You WILL have a social life (and a sex life) again. You can safely take a break from it for a while. Early recovery puts a lot of demands on a person emotionally, physically, and socially. It doesn't help to complicate things by getting involved with dating, which has its own emotional complications. You will be a much better dating partner after several months of recovery.

And if you do choose to date the first year, please don't go looking for relationships in the rooms. Women with some recovery under their belt will be leery of dating someone newly sober. And if you, yourself, date someone newly sober, you might jeopardize that person's recovery--as I said, dating can be an emotional minefield and it's best to have some substantial recovery and good support in place before attempting it.

LexieCat

BTW, I didn't notice you have almost five months. That's terrific!

If you have a sponsor, I'd consult him about what he thinks about your readiness to date. Not that your sponsor controls your life, but some honest feedback about where he thinks you are in your recovery might be very helpful.

And if you don't have a sponsor, now might be a good time to get one.

Coldfusion

Here is my personal experience.

I think the rule is to not change your life drastically, so if you are used to dating you should continue.

I am 50, and have been married 28 of those years. I fell in love with my current wife two weeks after my first wife died.

Now, we have been married eight years, and drinking was progressively ruining our lives. We both quit 81 days ago, and life has been great.

I need a partner. At times, this has meant we were mutually destructive. I like to think that we now have goodness in our lives, as when we first met.

So I would say that I would need to find someone who could support me through recovery. But do this cautiously, and read the threads on "13th stepping" for perspective.

LadyinBC

I'm not seeing anyone right now and have no plans to date anytime soon. For me, I want to concentrate on me and my recovery. I have enough baggage, don't need someone elses.

I plan on being upfront with people that I am an alcoholic. No use beating around the bush.

I don't date people I work with so I won't date people I'm in group with. Stay away, alot of these women are vulnerable in early recovery.

Joe Nerv

1. It's easy to take the focus off ourselves and put it on someone else. 2. In early recovery it's difficult to make wise decisions regarding a mate. 3. It's incredibly easy to become addicted to a person, when alcohol is taken out of the picture. 4. Relationships often cause a lot of drama, and pain. Easier to stay sober in our first year without it all. 5. All the other reasons that others are about to post.

That's up to you. I generally just say I don't drink when anyone asks. If they persist it depends a lot on what the person means to me. Haven't been on a first date in a long while, so I'm not really sure what I would say. Probably something along the lines of me and alcohol don't get along well... or I'm allergic to it. I might tell the whole truth too, but that's a slippery slope. All this is another good reason why dating isn't the greatest idea early on.

IME and IMO, no. My alcoholic personality mixed with anothers is like putting a flame to a stick of dynamite. Some people do fine with other alcoholics, not me. Dating in the rooms is also dangerous because it's the last place I'd want any drama. I've only dated a couple of women in AA, but it sucked when other guys were trying to get with those women. When they knew we were an item. Easy to start forming resentments with people who otherwise may help save my life. And it sucked when we weren't with each other any more, but everyone knew the both of us. And it became really difficult to share what was going on with me, because a lot of what was going on with me had to do with someone else everyone else knew. There are lots and lots of reasons why I was always happier dating outside the rooms, and why I'm happily married to wonderful non alcoholic woman.

Hate to make it sound this trite and ridiculously simple, but I got on my knees and asked earnestly for help. That was one of my biggest fears when I got sober. I drank to meet women. Period. Was paralyzed without alcohol. Still kinda shy actually, in certain ways. The tools the program gave me helped me override my social retardation. As we get more comfortable with ourselves and learn to live differently, these things work themselves out. We really don't have to chat anybody up - lovers, partners, and friends will present themselves, as they should, when the time is right.

escapist

Hard call. My drinking is not the only problem that I have like a lot of us here. I am immature and drinking really perpetuated that state. I am terrible with intimate relationships. I found it nervewracking to date when I got sober. I went three years avoiding it. I was lonley but I was happy to be sober. I met someone,got involved long term, fell hard back into drinking, I am just now coming out of a four year drunk. So being sober was not enough for me.

LadyinBC

I hear you, I have other issues to work out as well. haha I actually plan on telling them I'm an alcoholic who wears dentures. If the dentures are more of an issue than the drinking, then I think they might have more problems than I do!

choublak

Have you gotten another job yet?

It seems like you need some help getting your priorities in order.

artsoul

I agree with all the great responses here. Look at this time as a positive thing. you have the freedom to go and do whatever you want, develop new interests, get to know yourself better. If you work on building a better and more confident you it will pay off in all areas of your life.

vegibean

That answer right there says to me you're not ready. How are you going to be with someone sober if you feel that approaching them sober is impracticable without a drink?

I didn't date for over three years, you're more than welcome to check my profile pix, I am not a bad looking woman for 42 years old. Most of my issue was that my last marriage was HORRIBLE!! I had no interest in getting involved with anyone.

However, in those three years I was able to focus on me, do things for me and I didn't have to worry about someone else in my space creating any indifference.

I personally would never want to date anyone else in recovery. I know many people do. My current boyfriend has never smoked a cigarette, taken a drug and has drank three times in his entire life. I don't have to worry about him, just me, and I'd rather have it that way.

nomis

I'm not really in a position to give advice, as I'm currently trying to get sober while maintaining my marriage at the same time. In some ways being single is actually a benefit in that sense as it gives you time to focus on you.

However, take a look at this thread and see how he did it. First he got sober, then focused on himself, slowly but surely started to repair his previous relationships that had been badly damaged by his drinking, began healing himself physically and finally only after about a year and a half began to think about dating. Seems like a long time I know, but it's worked out pretty well for him.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-bottom.html

SoberinChi

Thank you all so much for posting advice here. I've printed out the responses and am taping them in clear view to reference when I need it. I'm not well-versed with the program just yet, so I don't have many follow-up questions. I think you guys all laid it out perfectly.

And one other poster said to focus on finding a job. I totally agree. That should be my focus right now (apart from sobriety). Plus, most girls don't want to date someone who's unemployed anyways!

LexieCat

LOL, that's what I kept hinting to my two sons (24 and 26). Thankfully, both are currently (finally) gainfully employed!

Keep working on you. With solid sobriety and a good job, you will do just fine with the ladies, I predict.

choublak

Well, also one of the typical questions/conversations on first dates is "what do you do?" and you need to be able to have a "healthy" answer to that question.

Natom

I started dating in very early recovery, about a month in I met someone through a friend. We started a relationship pretty much instantly. I was 21 and she was 17. She was beautiful, and smart. But she had a series of mental health problems. I had been warned from not dating in early recovery but I never got the message. We were together for 18 months off and on. I was 'sick', but so was she. Two sickies don't make a welly. I know that she truly loved me. I don't know if I loved her. I loved the idea of her. The eye candy on my arm. We got engaged. I got her name tattoed on my arm. I kept going back to using. She asked me why I didn't love her. Why I loved the drugs more. I told her I didn't know. It all ended when she found some pictures from another girl on my laptop. I was acting out. The love had gone, the sex had gone. I was just a husk of a man trying desperately to fill the void that drugs had left. She got rediagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder and at that point she was living with me. It was like living with two people. The one that loved me and wanted to help me and the one that blamed me and wanted to hurt me. It officially ended when I went to rehab and she got sectioned to a mental health unit. The hardest bit was that their was a few days before I went to rehab where she was still living with me and going out and sleeping with other guys. But then I just gave up caring. I'd had my lot and that was it. 4 days later I was gone, and then two weeks after that I heard she had been sectioned. I almost ruined that poor girl. I think about it almost everyday.

I feel shame and guilt for what I put her through. And one day I will make amends. The relationship showed me that I have to get myself sorted before I start dragging other people into my life. Tread lightly around relationships in early recovery but don't get fearful. I go out on dates but I keep an eye on it. I don't want to get fearful of dating or intimate contact with women so I try to keep a level playing field.

Natom.

oocleanchickoo

the advice I get over and over again is not to date in the first year of getting clean/sober. I am not really following that rule but I am taking it really slow which I've never done.

FlyerFan

If you take your recovery very seriously, you are going to be changing a lot within your first year of sobriety. Mentally, physically, and in other ways as well. Dating during this crucial time can often cause problems. If not between the couple, it can interfere with your recovery.

It is solely a recommendation, not a rule. There is nothing in the big book that says you CANT date. When it comes down to it, you ultimately have to make a choice. What is more important to you, staying sober, or....whatever it is you're seeking.

There will be plenty of time for dating and relationships, don't worry! I happened to already be in one at the time that I got sober, so I did not have this dilemma, but I can tell you that I went through a ton of changes in the last year which has affected my current relationship drastically.