An Odyessy by Any Other Name.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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An Odyessy by Any Other Name.
I've just found this website off Google, which I'm sure is how many a person happened upon here. I guess I should start off with my story or something. I've never really been a part of a forum such as this, so forgive me if I do something improper. Or whatever.
I first smoked weed when I was 15. I had always thought I'd end up smoking, but didn't know when. The first opportunity came when I was hanging out with an on and off girlfriend of mine. Most people say they don't get high their first time smoking, but man was I flying. Ever since then it just sort of snow balled. I was never really addicted to one drug, though still my drug of choice is pot. I was more addicted to not being sober. I've struggled with rather severe social anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. And getting high is the only thing that makes it better. I just really hate being sober. I feel as if when I'm high, everything is just so much easier. So much better. More meaningful. More interesting. More more basically. After that fateful day, I set out on a quest to barrage my psyche with as many chemicals I could get my hands on in some inane attempt to try and achieve a permanent shift in my perception, without doing any work.
After Bud, it was Booze. After booze, DXM. After that, Shrooms and LSD. On and on until I started dabbling in Opiates, namely Oxycontin. I get these terrible migraines, and I had begged my mother to give me something to make the pain stop, that's how it started. My mother is bed ridden as well as being forced to rely on a power chair to get around, and suffers from Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cellulitis and other ailments, as well as being obese. All of this causes her to be in immense amounts of constant pain, so she was prescribed Oxycontin and Methadone. Since I was in obvious agony, my ma took pity on me and gave me an Oxy. It was the among the most wonderful things I've ever taken or experienced, and it still is today.
After that, my home life started deteriorating severely. As well as being in so much pain, my mother also suffers from depression and is also very well likely a hoarder. She would spend thousands on scrapbooking supplies, only to have them sit around never to be used. My father worked long hours, and as much as I love him, he was never really firm with my mother, having already driven the family to bankruptcy once before, previous to my birth. All these factors led to us being evicted multiple times, and forcing us to take up 'transitory residency' in a hotel for the last 5 years. During that time, due to all this, I had basically stopped caring about myself or anyone else. I held, and still do to an certain extent, a lot of resentment towards my mother for these supposed offense.
Following that day when I took my first Oxy, when I was about 16, I had begun to steal Oxys from my mother. First it was just a couple. Then 6. Then 12, culminating in me stealing 20-30 a month from her. And when I had already taken as much Oxy as I could without, or so I thought, her noticing, I had started stealing her Methadone to try and catch a buzz. I would take as much as 10 or 12 at a time in this attempt. She has caught a lot of flak from her doctors who have labeled her a drug addict as she would call in for her refills too early, all because of me. Her primary doctor has refused to prescribe her pain medications, and is now having to see a Pain Management Specialist in order to get her pills, which she desperately needs.
All of this culminated January 3rd, 2011. It was a Monday night, my mother was out, my brother asleep and so I had our front room to myself. I had begun the night with 6 10mg Methadone pills. After those wore off, 6 more.
I can't sleep at all when I'm coming down of opiates or opioids. so I had stayed up the entire night until the next night. My mother was, again, out. And her pills, again, unguarded. I took another 12 10mg Methadones over the course of the night, and the next thing I know, I'm in the back of an ambulance, without pants, and shaking all over my body. I had overdosed and was on my way to the hospital. Thankfully, before it was too late, my brother had come out and found me stooped over in my chair and had called 911. I suffered no side affects, only a bruised ego and battered pride but otherwise fine. My parents were super supportive and I had this massive outpouring of love and appreciation from my friends. I had felt as if I had died that night and was born a new person. I was ready to tackle this world without relying on opiates to get through the day.
Fast forward to October 21, 2012.
While I had several relapses on Oxy, I had stayed clean off Methadone for almost 2 years and was extremely proud of myself. I had at least done that on my own. I was still smoking weed and drinking occasionally, but other than that I had stayed away from all other drugs, finding that I could use weed and alcohol responsibly. It was midnight and I had just ran out of bud the previous day and was feeling bored and melancholy and was up to my old tricks. I had just discovered the joys of Atavan and was buzzing nicely. I was also under the impression that Atavan(?lol?) was purely a sleep medication, and had popped roughly 10 in an attempt to try and sleep. 4am rolled by and I had still not fallen asleep. Feeling none of the usual anxiety I felt when thinking about Oxy, I decided 'Screw it. Might as well.' And had taken about 30-40mgs of Oxycontin. From that moment on, everything else was a blackout.
This time, I had woken up in the hospital, chugging a bottle of charcoal. I had OD'd again. This time on Atavan, Oxycontin and Methadone. My sobriety (sort of) shattered, I was forced to stay in the hospital for 3 days and in a Psychiatric Ward for an additional 3. My parents and the doctors were under the impression that I was trying to commit suicide, given the quantity of pills I had taken. Really, I was just an idiot trying to get high and going waaaay overboard. While being an absolutely moron, I apparently happen to also be an incredibly lucky moron. Miraculously, I had again pulled through with no repercussions, save my memory taking a little hit though it was never top shot in the first place.
Starting Oct. 31st, I had started attending group therapy for kids my age suffering mental illnesses and drugs addictions, which has helped tremendously with not only getting me through cravings and the added misery of no longer being able to get high save the few times I've been able to get a hold of some weed. But also with getting me out of the mindset I've been stuck in the last 4 or 5 years. With throwing off the preconceptions and I had assigned to nearly everything in my drug addled arrogance. And with also learning to accept and forgive myself for not loving me for who I am and treating myself like the amazing person I've come to learn to at least try to be.
So now we come to today ladies and gentleman. I relapsed once more on Oxy in December after my mom had a stay in the hospital and had left her pills where I could get them, but other than that I've stayed clean. While I still hold a bit of resentment towards myself for the choices I've made, I've also learned to accept my faults as a part of who I am. And though I will carry my mistakes for the rest of my days, they will not define me. I've accepted that nothing controls me. That all of my decisions are mine and mine alone. I've accepted that I will have low points and steps back, but the way forward is always open if I get up, dust off and carry on.
Welp. I guess thats that. Just a little slice of myself in text. This is the first time I've ever admitted all of that in once sitting. I had sought out a website like this because I still get terrible cravings every single day, especially during the night. I get knocked on my ass during the worst of them. I was feeling once such craving tonight, and I needed an outlet. I'm grateful that there's communities out there where people like me can reach out and help one another. I can only hope that I can give as much as I get from this site.
That was a whole lot of text, and I truly and wholly appreciate any of you who read all of it. Thank you.
In the words of a wise man, H'oponopono.
I first smoked weed when I was 15. I had always thought I'd end up smoking, but didn't know when. The first opportunity came when I was hanging out with an on and off girlfriend of mine. Most people say they don't get high their first time smoking, but man was I flying. Ever since then it just sort of snow balled. I was never really addicted to one drug, though still my drug of choice is pot. I was more addicted to not being sober. I've struggled with rather severe social anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. And getting high is the only thing that makes it better. I just really hate being sober. I feel as if when I'm high, everything is just so much easier. So much better. More meaningful. More interesting. More more basically. After that fateful day, I set out on a quest to barrage my psyche with as many chemicals I could get my hands on in some inane attempt to try and achieve a permanent shift in my perception, without doing any work.
After Bud, it was Booze. After booze, DXM. After that, Shrooms and LSD. On and on until I started dabbling in Opiates, namely Oxycontin. I get these terrible migraines, and I had begged my mother to give me something to make the pain stop, that's how it started. My mother is bed ridden as well as being forced to rely on a power chair to get around, and suffers from Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Cellulitis and other ailments, as well as being obese. All of this causes her to be in immense amounts of constant pain, so she was prescribed Oxycontin and Methadone. Since I was in obvious agony, my ma took pity on me and gave me an Oxy. It was the among the most wonderful things I've ever taken or experienced, and it still is today.
After that, my home life started deteriorating severely. As well as being in so much pain, my mother also suffers from depression and is also very well likely a hoarder. She would spend thousands on scrapbooking supplies, only to have them sit around never to be used. My father worked long hours, and as much as I love him, he was never really firm with my mother, having already driven the family to bankruptcy once before, previous to my birth. All these factors led to us being evicted multiple times, and forcing us to take up 'transitory residency' in a hotel for the last 5 years. During that time, due to all this, I had basically stopped caring about myself or anyone else. I held, and still do to an certain extent, a lot of resentment towards my mother for these supposed offense.
Following that day when I took my first Oxy, when I was about 16, I had begun to steal Oxys from my mother. First it was just a couple. Then 6. Then 12, culminating in me stealing 20-30 a month from her. And when I had already taken as much Oxy as I could without, or so I thought, her noticing, I had started stealing her Methadone to try and catch a buzz. I would take as much as 10 or 12 at a time in this attempt. She has caught a lot of flak from her doctors who have labeled her a drug addict as she would call in for her refills too early, all because of me. Her primary doctor has refused to prescribe her pain medications, and is now having to see a Pain Management Specialist in order to get her pills, which she desperately needs.
All of this culminated January 3rd, 2011. It was a Monday night, my mother was out, my brother asleep and so I had our front room to myself. I had begun the night with 6 10mg Methadone pills. After those wore off, 6 more.
I can't sleep at all when I'm coming down of opiates or opioids. so I had stayed up the entire night until the next night. My mother was, again, out. And her pills, again, unguarded. I took another 12 10mg Methadones over the course of the night, and the next thing I know, I'm in the back of an ambulance, without pants, and shaking all over my body. I had overdosed and was on my way to the hospital. Thankfully, before it was too late, my brother had come out and found me stooped over in my chair and had called 911. I suffered no side affects, only a bruised ego and battered pride but otherwise fine. My parents were super supportive and I had this massive outpouring of love and appreciation from my friends. I had felt as if I had died that night and was born a new person. I was ready to tackle this world without relying on opiates to get through the day.
Fast forward to October 21, 2012.
While I had several relapses on Oxy, I had stayed clean off Methadone for almost 2 years and was extremely proud of myself. I had at least done that on my own. I was still smoking weed and drinking occasionally, but other than that I had stayed away from all other drugs, finding that I could use weed and alcohol responsibly. It was midnight and I had just ran out of bud the previous day and was feeling bored and melancholy and was up to my old tricks. I had just discovered the joys of Atavan and was buzzing nicely. I was also under the impression that Atavan(?lol?) was purely a sleep medication, and had popped roughly 10 in an attempt to try and sleep. 4am rolled by and I had still not fallen asleep. Feeling none of the usual anxiety I felt when thinking about Oxy, I decided 'Screw it. Might as well.' And had taken about 30-40mgs of Oxycontin. From that moment on, everything else was a blackout.
This time, I had woken up in the hospital, chugging a bottle of charcoal. I had OD'd again. This time on Atavan, Oxycontin and Methadone. My sobriety (sort of) shattered, I was forced to stay in the hospital for 3 days and in a Psychiatric Ward for an additional 3. My parents and the doctors were under the impression that I was trying to commit suicide, given the quantity of pills I had taken. Really, I was just an idiot trying to get high and going waaaay overboard. While being an absolutely moron, I apparently happen to also be an incredibly lucky moron. Miraculously, I had again pulled through with no repercussions, save my memory taking a little hit though it was never top shot in the first place.
Starting Oct. 31st, I had started attending group therapy for kids my age suffering mental illnesses and drugs addictions, which has helped tremendously with not only getting me through cravings and the added misery of no longer being able to get high save the few times I've been able to get a hold of some weed. But also with getting me out of the mindset I've been stuck in the last 4 or 5 years. With throwing off the preconceptions and I had assigned to nearly everything in my drug addled arrogance. And with also learning to accept and forgive myself for not loving me for who I am and treating myself like the amazing person I've come to learn to at least try to be.
So now we come to today ladies and gentleman. I relapsed once more on Oxy in December after my mom had a stay in the hospital and had left her pills where I could get them, but other than that I've stayed clean. While I still hold a bit of resentment towards myself for the choices I've made, I've also learned to accept my faults as a part of who I am. And though I will carry my mistakes for the rest of my days, they will not define me. I've accepted that nothing controls me. That all of my decisions are mine and mine alone. I've accepted that I will have low points and steps back, but the way forward is always open if I get up, dust off and carry on.
Welp. I guess thats that. Just a little slice of myself in text. This is the first time I've ever admitted all of that in once sitting. I had sought out a website like this because I still get terrible cravings every single day, especially during the night. I get knocked on my ass during the worst of them. I was feeling once such craving tonight, and I needed an outlet. I'm grateful that there's communities out there where people like me can reach out and help one another. I can only hope that I can give as much as I get from this site.
That was a whole lot of text, and I truly and wholly appreciate any of you who read all of it. Thank you.
In the words of a wise man, H'oponopono.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Hey jabba. Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to SR. For a young person, you sound extremely insightful and I must say I felt like I was reading the words of a seasoned writer. With that being said, seems like you have something special to offer in this world and I hope you continue on the path you are on now 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Thanks quitforme. I've gained that insight through many a failed venture and with much suffering. I guess its one of my strong points.
And I'm really no seasoned writer lol, but I appreciate the compliment. I do some writing, mostly free verse, stream-of-consciousness stuff. I haven't done much writing since I started doing Oxy, but its one of the things I'm trying hard to get back into.
And I'm really no seasoned writer lol, but I appreciate the compliment. I do some writing, mostly free verse, stream-of-consciousness stuff. I haven't done much writing since I started doing Oxy, but its one of the things I'm trying hard to get back into.
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