Mammyof3boys

Hi all, wanted to check in. I was driving my son home from swimming lessons this evening, the 2 bigger boys were fighting in the back. I of course immediately thought "I'd love a drink now, they are too loud, always fighting, I deserve it." I didn't drink, but wow what an urge. I'm so happy I was in the car and not my kitchen.

Later on this evening, I had my youngest in the bath and I was looking through my I-phone and there is a video of me and him from this past Sunday night (relapse night). I took the video, I'm playing hide and seek with him, you can hear me and only see him. I have NO MEMORY of this event, none at all.
Sad but true. Another drunk night gone from my memory, which really sucks (for lack of a better word) because when you can forget it so easily with a blackout it's just as easy to almost pretend like that drunk night never happened, because the memories are gone too. How many nights I convinced myself it was ok, because I drank and I remember. I forgave myself for those nights, they falsely pointed out to me that maybe I'm not an alcoholic, because "your not drunk every night." Not yet right! The way we try and lie and withhold reality from ourselves is laughable and sad. Quite pathetic.

I'm reading "Drinking a love story" by Caroline Knapp. Just wanted to quote the book - "alchoholism - the disease of more." How greedy we are to drink so much, to worry about how much wine everyone else is drinking, afraid they might finish before us and get that last glass of the shared bottle. That's so me!

Thanks for listening to me, good luck to everyone and I'm looking forward to my clear mind tomorrow morning. I hope you are too!

Dee74

'the disease of more' got me too when I read it Mammy.
A powerful image.

D

soberclover

Congratulations on not drinking! It is important to remember where we came from as far as getting sober but don't spend too much time in the past. I got rid of all my drunk text messages as it just made me feel bad. Focus on the now and how awesome of a job you are doing just for today!

Sapling

Did you ever make it to that meeting mammy?

Mammyof3boys

No I didn't my husband hasn't been home in time. I'm not bringing three kids to an AA meeting, I plan to go another evening.

Sapling

Okay....I do hope you'll check one out...How you doing today?....Remember the rule...We don't drink...No matter what....Just for today.

SSIL75

I'm so sorry to hear you relapsed, Mammy.

Wow does that sound familiar. I would wake up and immediately try to recall going to bed. Frantically wanting to remember so I could continue with my big lie that I wasn't an alcoholic.

Glad you are sober again!

Mammyof3boys

Thanks Sapling, I like the rule and I will keep saying it.
Yes SSIL75, it is a lie I kept telling myself too.

I woke up this morning and said I feel good today but I'm still an alcoholic.

TrixMixer

Hi Mammy,

That picture of you playing with your children is something you should look at each time you think you want to take a drink. Let it remind you how far alcohol takes you away from your children . Love and living in the present would seem to be a big motivator!

Just sayin!

Good luck

Fallow

Hi Mammy,

I can relate so much. I remember my wife finding a video of me on my phone. I was singing along listening to records drunk and alone in our garage. The video was of the record spinning. I had no recollection of it and was quite ashamed.

I remember hoping nobody else would get the last drink out of a bottle too. I hate to admit and recall my thinking being so sick and selfish.

I have to admit today I am a real alcoholic in serious condition and always will be. Ill never be able to drink 'safely'. I know the day will come when I want a drink. My life will stress me and test me. I cant worry about all of that now. But we can stay sober today! Hope you take care of yourself today. I believe you can change your life

Mammyof3boys

Thanks Fallow. It's very scary to hear myself playing with my son and have no memory of it. What if we were home alone, would I have done the right things for him? kept him safe? I don't know. I've been thinking about it a lot today. I just don't want that to happen again, ever.

SSIL75

It is really nice to 100% believe you'll never drink again.

One little 'trick' that helped me (I used AVRT, not AA) was to respond mentally to a craving with "of course you want to drink. That's what alcoholics do".

As an alcoholic I made a life out of convincing myself that EVERYONE drank the way I did. But really, the healthy ones don't.

I had to believe that every inclination I had to drink was a simple alcoholic impulse. Nothing to do with being 'normal' or 'deserved' or 'fitting in' or other sh*t like that.

Mammyof3boys

I'm also getting my résumé together and I'm going to start looking for a day part-time job. Although I've waitressed, I've really been a stay at home mom for 7 years. I think if I get back in the work place it will be good for me. Goals are good.
I have lost a bit of myself in child raising, I want her back!

Fandy

I'm glad you are on Sober Day 2. You deserve to feel well, get yourself back and enjoy your children (except when they drive you crazy)

Mammyof3boys

This is actually day 3 already! Well when I end the day it will be 3! Thanks Fandy.

SSIL75

That is a great idea. I work a little retail and it is a great thing to keep me on this side of sanity.