Shining~Again

I see over and over again yet fail to see how this is not her asking for others ESH? No medical advice.
It's seems that every benzo thread has a huge hand up, saying "no, you're experience and sharing is med advice." yet anywhere else we can talk drugs, booze, mental meds, ....I know this one is a particular scary but I find NOTHING in this post that warrants the warnings from Mods.
Did all the past crap on here ruin this for the future? Am I missing something? Please let me know if I am totally misreading OP's first post?

btw - I was a mod on a women's group for 10 years. Obvious med advice got the warnings. Not these type (original post). Do we always need to just respond via PM's when it comes to benzos?

Shining~Again

I am on 4 mg of ativan at this point.(21 years/23?) I was up to 6mg this past summer and hit tolerance withdrawal in the fall. Since then I've been quite sick. I'm currently trying to do a fast taper down and then detox on the 12th. Which is getting closer and closer and I'm scared to death.

So my taper for the last 2 months was hell on earth. Stomach and back cramps, anxiety (durrr), headaches and body-aches, moddiness out the wazoo, feet cold and numb, hair falling out/brittle, cuts not healing, very uncoordinated, dizzy, eyes blurry, sleep horrible...The I fell off ladder in barn twice while trying to feed barn kitties, Then dear dog misjudged and flipped me feet over head into a propane tank..

..and today I had my MRI. <---so I'm a little sensitive in general as that was hard for me to do.
MRI machines scare a claustrophobic gal like me (oh yeah - I appear to be another one in the thousands that gender on SR got switched to male. )

In my taper I stayed away from ambien. I haven't had it in 2 weeks, kind preparing for detox on 12th. During the time...the detox, which I am praying will work for me, my pastor will be here, my mother, and a doctor friend of mine checking in daily (she lives right down the road). I am not cool with having my daughter being shipped off to wherever for this time so....she'll be gone for the first 4 days and then come back. She is too young for the details. But hell yes, when she is older....I'll show her the tapes. They (Doctor/Pastor/Neighbor) are videotaping me so ...me, who is so private/afraid/curled into a ball in general life stuff, is going to have to deal with that bit. This has gotten so bad, tapering down, that I no longer care.

Talking about it online tho'...is especially hard as many roadblocks are thrown up. My doctor is not stupid. Yet, he's watched me go down and down and down. Yet never connected that what he consistently has given me and still continues to try to give me as being any reason that I've have gone from bad to worse.

My doctor is pretty standard.....were I to mention I wanted to wean off a 22+ year benzo script he'd prolly say "k, here's 10 pills....best of luck (and find another doctor.") <--he'll make no money off of me and insurance once I get my sh1t together.
It's just the way it goes. I've worked for 20 years in our health care corp in these here hills, I know every doctor, I sit on boards, I know what I know.

Now, it's all on me, my support network, and a lot of praying.

sorry for typos - I kinda gotta write fast or I'll delete it all.