Hi, my boyfriend uses drugs. advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Hi, my boyfriend uses drugs. advice please
My boyfriend uses drugs; weird introduction but that is what brings me here. Im not here to trash him for what he is doing. But I would like to better understand, get more knowledge so Ive been reading and looking around for information. He has talked to me about his use of drugs. He uses cocaine on an almost daily basis, mdma and pain drugs like vicodin, oxycodone less frequently. He says he has cut out most of the drugs except cocaine since we have been together. He has used both a few times because I have been able to tell. With the cocaine he seems to act normal except without it he says he gets anxious, depressed and he is afraid to stop, and doesn’t want to be prescribed other drugs for those conditions.
He spent time at my parents on Christmas, and then went over to visit his parents. I have met them, but there is a lot of tension in that house. They had a bunch of relatives coming over, and he felt obligated to go by. He didn’t want me to have to leave my family, so he went alone. It was a disaster. He came back from that so upset, filled with all these feelings that they instill in him of being a failure, disappointing them, not living up to his potential, past mistakes are brought back out and trotted around. He felt humiliated in front of other members of his family. He called me so upset, and I knew his first impulse was to go get high. I talked him into coming back to my parents. He had been using coke by the time he got there, but he wasn’t really messed up. No one could even tell but me. We stayed for hours more, had a good time. My family was nice to him, made him feel welcome. Then he came home with me, and all the emotions started pouring out again over how bad he feels about himself. The things is he is not a failure, or a complete mess. He has a good job, and pays his bills. He is a sweet guy, and treats me wonderfully and we have a good relationship. I don’t have experience with drug use, or addiction on a personal level other than this.
I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide his use from me, or be too ashamed to admit when he uses, or what he is feeling before or after. Im not angry about his using because it hasn’t affected me, or our relationship negatively, but at the same time I realize what he is doing isn’t normal, and that does have an effect on our relationship, and probably what our future looks like. Im also scared for him, because I know how dangerous this stuff is and I don’t want him to get worse. I don’t know why Im picking right now to post. I think to be brutally honest, we have been spending a lot of time together, and I am realizing how much I care for him; I am in love with him. Things have been very intense between us and I love it, and also am a little frightened by it. The fear comes mostly from realizing my boyfriend is a addicted to drugs !
I am not posting here because I think I can save him from himself. I get that. Its like trying to force a person to lose weight. You cant really do that. I mean you could take all the junk food out of the house, cook healthy meals, but they will still stop off at the drive through for a triple burger and fries before they come home to eat the steamed vegetables you’ve cooked, and then sneak cookies from their hiding spot. Not as deadly as drug use, but similar, and I think it takes a similar mentality to want to change.
So here I am looking for the opinions of others.Open fire on what Im doing wrong, what Im doing right, what is the best method of treatment to help him IF he is willing to try, experiences with medications to overcome the withdrawals and even out his anxiety. I know some people will tell me to run away, but right now I am not in that place. I want to be here with him.
He spent time at my parents on Christmas, and then went over to visit his parents. I have met them, but there is a lot of tension in that house. They had a bunch of relatives coming over, and he felt obligated to go by. He didn’t want me to have to leave my family, so he went alone. It was a disaster. He came back from that so upset, filled with all these feelings that they instill in him of being a failure, disappointing them, not living up to his potential, past mistakes are brought back out and trotted around. He felt humiliated in front of other members of his family. He called me so upset, and I knew his first impulse was to go get high. I talked him into coming back to my parents. He had been using coke by the time he got there, but he wasn’t really messed up. No one could even tell but me. We stayed for hours more, had a good time. My family was nice to him, made him feel welcome. Then he came home with me, and all the emotions started pouring out again over how bad he feels about himself. The things is he is not a failure, or a complete mess. He has a good job, and pays his bills. He is a sweet guy, and treats me wonderfully and we have a good relationship. I don’t have experience with drug use, or addiction on a personal level other than this.
I don’t want him to feel like he has to hide his use from me, or be too ashamed to admit when he uses, or what he is feeling before or after. Im not angry about his using because it hasn’t affected me, or our relationship negatively, but at the same time I realize what he is doing isn’t normal, and that does have an effect on our relationship, and probably what our future looks like. Im also scared for him, because I know how dangerous this stuff is and I don’t want him to get worse. I don’t know why Im picking right now to post. I think to be brutally honest, we have been spending a lot of time together, and I am realizing how much I care for him; I am in love with him. Things have been very intense between us and I love it, and also am a little frightened by it. The fear comes mostly from realizing my boyfriend is a addicted to drugs !
I am not posting here because I think I can save him from himself. I get that. Its like trying to force a person to lose weight. You cant really do that. I mean you could take all the junk food out of the house, cook healthy meals, but they will still stop off at the drive through for a triple burger and fries before they come home to eat the steamed vegetables you’ve cooked, and then sneak cookies from their hiding spot. Not as deadly as drug use, but similar, and I think it takes a similar mentality to want to change.
So here I am looking for the opinions of others.Open fire on what Im doing wrong, what Im doing right, what is the best method of treatment to help him IF he is willing to try, experiences with medications to overcome the withdrawals and even out his anxiety. I know some people will tell me to run away, but right now I am not in that place. I want to be here with him.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
I wouldn't presume to tell you what you're doing right or wrong. He should decide his own treatment plan and you should take care of yourself. You could think about making some boundaries that would protect you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Thanks for your post.
Does he want to get better ? Is he ready ?
I would recommend treatment, where he can discover the true reason behind his addiction and start the process of heeling...
If he does not, I suggest you distance yourself from him ASAP and do what's best for you.
Addictions NEVER get better, only worse.
Good luck !
Does he want to get better ? Is he ready ?
I would recommend treatment, where he can discover the true reason behind his addiction and start the process of heeling...
If he does not, I suggest you distance yourself from him ASAP and do what's best for you.
Addictions NEVER get better, only worse.
Good luck !
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Have you talked to him much about his drug use? It might be worth asking him what his intentions are concerning future drug use. Is he intending to use cocaine everyday forever? If he evades the subject then I'd be worried, but if he says that he needs to quit eventually then maybe there's some hope. Doesn't mean he will but it means he does see it as a problem. Look after yourself though x
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,785
I suggest you post this in the friends and famiies forum for advice and experience.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((dasiydoc)) - Welcome to SR! FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and I have loved ones who are A's (alcoholics and/or addicts).
I'm not going to tell you what you're doing right or wrong, I merely want to point out something. He was so upset from being at his parents' house, he used. Yes, it sounds like his family is toxic to be around, but normal people don't drown out the feelings in dope.
The problem with using drugs, is we get to where we deal with every feeling by using. Addiction is progressive. If he continues, he is going to be numbing emotions with drugs. That means you won't really know the "real him" and that concerns me. However, it's just something you need to think about.
Take care of you, learn what you can about addiction (this is a good place to start) and keeping reading/posting
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm not going to tell you what you're doing right or wrong, I merely want to point out something. He was so upset from being at his parents' house, he used. Yes, it sounds like his family is toxic to be around, but normal people don't drown out the feelings in dope.
The problem with using drugs, is we get to where we deal with every feeling by using. Addiction is progressive. If he continues, he is going to be numbing emotions with drugs. That means you won't really know the "real him" and that concerns me. However, it's just something you need to think about.
Take care of you, learn what you can about addiction (this is a good place to start) and keeping reading/posting
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Thank you everyone for your replies. Wow Im so impressed people are kind enough to respond.
I do think he wants to stop using. He has told me he does, but also I think he is scared, and I really don’t know if he has what it takes yet to get all the way through dealing with the anxiety, depression, cravings, triggers. But we talked about it, and we have both been reading online and gathering information. He has been doing this because he showed me some things he found. So he knows Im reading and looking to and he is ok with it.
He is also afraid of letting very many people know what is going on, afraid because of his job. That is having a big impact on him right now and he says he cant do a lot of things. Part of it is true, but I think he might be a little paranoid also.
He knows he is not going to be able to pursue the career he wants if he keeps this up. He knows he is headed for disaster from what he says, but it so far has not been enough to make him stop. Its like feeling that way only makes him think less of himself and that makes him want to use more.That is why I don’t want him to try to hide what he is doing from me, and I don’t want to pressure him, make him feel worse. But at the same time, I walk a thin line because I don’t want him to ever think this is acceptable long term to me. Does that make sense?
He does use to numb himself sometimes. Like when he got upset with his parents the other night. Its not always that, but he does do this. I can see it and it does scare me for what is to come if he doesn’t stop.
I do think he wants to stop using. He has told me he does, but also I think he is scared, and I really don’t know if he has what it takes yet to get all the way through dealing with the anxiety, depression, cravings, triggers. But we talked about it, and we have both been reading online and gathering information. He has been doing this because he showed me some things he found. So he knows Im reading and looking to and he is ok with it.
He is also afraid of letting very many people know what is going on, afraid because of his job. That is having a big impact on him right now and he says he cant do a lot of things. Part of it is true, but I think he might be a little paranoid also.
He knows he is not going to be able to pursue the career he wants if he keeps this up. He knows he is headed for disaster from what he says, but it so far has not been enough to make him stop. Its like feeling that way only makes him think less of himself and that makes him want to use more.That is why I don’t want him to try to hide what he is doing from me, and I don’t want to pressure him, make him feel worse. But at the same time, I walk a thin line because I don’t want him to ever think this is acceptable long term to me. Does that make sense?
He does use to numb himself sometimes. Like when he got upset with his parents the other night. Its not always that, but he does do this. I can see it and it does scare me for what is to come if he doesn’t stop.
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