bornblest6

I probably don't really belong in this forum because technically I am not in active recovery nor am I sober. See in July of last year I received the Holy Ghost and instantly stop using Meth. Prior to that I had been using on and off for 15 years! I lost custody of 3 children, job, and relationships. I was baptized in Jesus Name on Sept 13, 2012. For the next 5 months, I was active in Church, reading the bible and loved to Praise and worship our God. Staying sober came easy during this time. There were no temptations, cravings or thoughts to use. Life was beautiful, I felt healed, renewed and for the first time in my life I felt peace. My husband was baptized too however His struggle with weed addiction was more difficult for him. He couldn't stay clean longer than 30 days before he used again. Eventually, his repetitive using influenced me to pick up and use too. It's been 9 months since I backslid and relapsed. No matter how I tried to stay clean I cant. My marriage plays a major role in my addiction, I believe it's my main trigger. Well, after years of tolerating his verbal and emotion abuse, things took a turn for the worse a week ago. After he spent out rent $ to buy more drugs he came home and spit on my face, called me a C*nt, said that I deserved to be spit on because all my life men have used me and spit on me. He kept calling me a *****. This is the ultimate disrespect and degrading thing anyone could do to me. I packed his things and sent him to his moms. I'm hurting, I'm broken, I'm alone, I'm fearful, I'm taking care of my 3 yr old by myself with no money, no place to live and worst of all I'm using more than ever before! I want to stop so badly that I cry everytime I do it. I've also been praying and seeking God's help more than I have done before. I'm just so lost and confused and afraid and sometimes feel I will never feel God's mercy and grace again. ; (

Michael66

Hi bornblest,
Sounds like you need some support. Is there a group of recovering users near you that you could go to. You don't need to be alone, and a good church will always welcome you back (though I am sure you'd benefit from a recovery group as well).

You are precious - don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

renaldo

Peace be with you sister. Sorry to hear about your domestic unrest.

sepvac

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - sentiments I am sure many on this website will echo.

It sounds like you have a good support network around you (your church, 12-Step fellowship), so why not reach out to them? I know I often felt that I should try to do things on my own - after all there are others who probably need the help, or that Big Book, or that seat in the AA meeting, more than me.

This went on a while until my sponsor told me a joke about a man, God, and a flooding river. The punchline is God saying to the man - "What were you waiting for? I sent you a pickup truck, rowboat, and helicopter?"

In my own recovery, isolation if the fuel my addiction need to re-establish itself. Perhaps you have experienced this same phenomena in the past?

There are many no or low cost services available in most communities for women. Google, "Women's services" and see what pops up. Ask your doctor, call Planned Parenthood, a nearby chapter of Women's Charities, your local hospital. They may not have what you need or can afford - but I'll be they know someone who does!!

I close with a quote from my favorite author, Anthony De Mello:

"Happiness is our natural state. Happiness is the natural state of little children, to whom the kingdom belongs until they have been polluted and contaminated by the stupidity of society and culture. To acquire happiness you don’t have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don’t you experience it? Because you’ve got to drop something. You’ve got to drop illusions. You don’t have to add anything in order to be happy; you’ve got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful. It’s only hard on your illusions, your ambitions, your greed, your cravings. Do you know where these things come from? From having identified with all kinds of labels!"

PS - You do belong here!!! In my humble opinion at least...

whiskeyman

You are not alone.
You were born blessed.
start by calling the person that baptized you and unload all those thoughts that fill your head.
start calling for support, you cant do anything on your own, that dont work.

MIRecovery

IMO. The first step is to stop using just for today and go to an AA/NA meeting. Get on your knees and pray that God will relieve you of the obsession and complusion to use today. Reach out to your church Minister and be honest. Let others help you get out of the mess you are in.

Repeat daily.

It would certainly sound like your husband is a negative influence and the last thing you need in your life are people that are using.

sugarbear1

You are alive, you have the mercy and grace already, but your free will is in the way.

Trust and have faith and start acting with gratitude...you CAN stay stopped, that young child needs you fully present. Now is the time to do this....

Stay strong and stay sober and clean for today. Trust in your faith that you are cared for!

With love & hugs,