Newcomer says hi!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: England
Posts: 81
Newcomer says hi!
Hello everyone. My name is Rosie and I guess I'm an alcoholic!
I'll explain my drinking cycle, maybe that's a good start ... I feel like I really don't want to overplay my alcohol problems since I know that compared with many recovering alcoholics, my story is probably pretty weak...
I've been drinking since the age of 15. The older I got, the more available alcohol became to me, and so therefore the more often I drank. When I think of how I drank in comparison to (most of) my friends, I always drank (drink!) to excess and I blacked (black) out every time I had the chance even from a desperately young age. Of course things didn't improve with time and at 26, should I have one single drink I will not stop until I am completely intoxicated. God help anyone who gets in the way of my next drink, because no matter who they are I'll give them hell. I've ruined relationships, lost friends ... upset people, been a disgusting human being, really. I always felt terrible about the things I did but I also always forgave myself because in my selfishness I decided that somehow I was only human and humans make mistakes.
Except for I keep making mistakes, they keep getting bigger. I can go for a week or two without a drink, and it doesn't seem too bad. Then I'll get hammered and wake up with the all-consuming fear and horror of it all. Even if I don't do anything dreadful that night, I can be assured that I will do something unimaginably dreadful the next time ... maybe I'm typing to much for my very first post!
I have lots of friends who know me as a troubled train-wreck of a woman who would be "such a cool girl if she didn't drink like that". Those friends try and tell me things like how I should just have a couple of drinks ... just enjoy a few tins and relax. But I can't do that, I have never been able to and I have tried my hardest to control and moderate myself around drink, but there is a switch inside me and one swig of alcohol changes my priorities. I have other friends who think I'm great fun, but they probably just saw me on my first few drinks and left before the poop hit the fan, or they're not so much friends as people I bump into whilst trying to get loaded.
So here I am, I really do want to stop. I last drank on Thursday, don't remember a thing. Started off on my own in the house, ran out, went to the shops to get more but stopped off at a bar on the way. Boyfriend had to come and pick me up off the floor of said bar, I'd lost all my stuff.
My Dad is an ex-alcoholic, he's been sober for almost 30 years and so I know it can be done. I feel completely lost when I look to my future without the safety-net of booze but I think I'm even more terrified of living another day of dread, fear, horror and self-hatred.
Thanks for reading, sorry this is so long and messy and boring.
I'll explain my drinking cycle, maybe that's a good start ... I feel like I really don't want to overplay my alcohol problems since I know that compared with many recovering alcoholics, my story is probably pretty weak...
I've been drinking since the age of 15. The older I got, the more available alcohol became to me, and so therefore the more often I drank. When I think of how I drank in comparison to (most of) my friends, I always drank (drink!) to excess and I blacked (black) out every time I had the chance even from a desperately young age. Of course things didn't improve with time and at 26, should I have one single drink I will not stop until I am completely intoxicated. God help anyone who gets in the way of my next drink, because no matter who they are I'll give them hell. I've ruined relationships, lost friends ... upset people, been a disgusting human being, really. I always felt terrible about the things I did but I also always forgave myself because in my selfishness I decided that somehow I was only human and humans make mistakes.
Except for I keep making mistakes, they keep getting bigger. I can go for a week or two without a drink, and it doesn't seem too bad. Then I'll get hammered and wake up with the all-consuming fear and horror of it all. Even if I don't do anything dreadful that night, I can be assured that I will do something unimaginably dreadful the next time ... maybe I'm typing to much for my very first post!
I have lots of friends who know me as a troubled train-wreck of a woman who would be "such a cool girl if she didn't drink like that". Those friends try and tell me things like how I should just have a couple of drinks ... just enjoy a few tins and relax. But I can't do that, I have never been able to and I have tried my hardest to control and moderate myself around drink, but there is a switch inside me and one swig of alcohol changes my priorities. I have other friends who think I'm great fun, but they probably just saw me on my first few drinks and left before the poop hit the fan, or they're not so much friends as people I bump into whilst trying to get loaded.
So here I am, I really do want to stop. I last drank on Thursday, don't remember a thing. Started off on my own in the house, ran out, went to the shops to get more but stopped off at a bar on the way. Boyfriend had to come and pick me up off the floor of said bar, I'd lost all my stuff.
My Dad is an ex-alcoholic, he's been sober for almost 30 years and so I know it can be done. I feel completely lost when I look to my future without the safety-net of booze but I think I'm even more terrified of living another day of dread, fear, horror and self-hatred.
Thanks for reading, sorry this is so long and messy and boring.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Welcome to our family.
Your post could have described me about 10 years ago.
I wish I could have stopped it then, instead of going on about another 5 years.
Listen to your friends, they care about you. Know that we care too.
Have you confided in your Dad?
People in long term recovery are usually really cool I find. They understand. They want to help. Even more so if it's your Dad I should imagine?
I hope you continue to come here and post often.
I wish you the best Xxxx
Your post could have described me about 10 years ago.
I wish I could have stopped it then, instead of going on about another 5 years.
Listen to your friends, they care about you. Know that we care too.
Have you confided in your Dad?
People in long term recovery are usually really cool I find. They understand. They want to help. Even more so if it's your Dad I should imagine?
I hope you continue to come here and post often.
I wish you the best Xxxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
Welcome to SR Rosie!
I'm one day behind you and am determined this time around. Your post was not to long or to boring as it sure has some of my traits in there. My Dad is an alcoholic who quit drinking almost 10 years ago. He and Mom don't think I drink and wish to keep it that way. They'll be here for the holidays in about 3 weeks so this gives me time to get it together.
Hang in there and come back often to let us know how you're doing. Stay sober and life will be so much more enjoyable.
I'm one day behind you and am determined this time around. Your post was not to long or to boring as it sure has some of my traits in there. My Dad is an alcoholic who quit drinking almost 10 years ago. He and Mom don't think I drink and wish to keep it that way. They'll be here for the holidays in about 3 weeks so this gives me time to get it together.
Hang in there and come back often to let us know how you're doing. Stay sober and life will be so much more enjoyable.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 536
Hey Rosie,
Welcome! You are not saying too much for your first post. Everything you are saying makes sense. Also, there are all degrees of problems here. At first I thought I didn't belong here because I "only" drank a bottle of wine a night, every night. I realized I have a problem, so it doesn't matter if I call myself an alcoholic, a problem drinker, or whatever.
I knew I had to stop drinking. This forum has helped me a lot. I hope it can help you too.
Best wishes to you,
JunebugApril
Welcome! You are not saying too much for your first post. Everything you are saying makes sense. Also, there are all degrees of problems here. At first I thought I didn't belong here because I "only" drank a bottle of wine a night, every night. I realized I have a problem, so it doesn't matter if I call myself an alcoholic, a problem drinker, or whatever.
I knew I had to stop drinking. This forum has helped me a lot. I hope it can help you too.
Best wishes to you,
JunebugApril
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Melbourne VIC
Posts: 94
Welcome Rosie 
I'm fairly new here and can relate a lot to your story. I never would have dreamed I had an issue with alcohol, just thought I was like every other twenty something, until I actively tried to moderate my drinking and ended up a total mess again and again. I was so tired of waking up embarassed, guilty and sick!
I hope you stick around, there are lots of sober people on here with great advice.
Good luck
x
I'm fairly new here and can relate a lot to your story. I never would have dreamed I had an issue with alcohol, just thought I was like every other twenty something, until I actively tried to moderate my drinking and ended up a total mess again and again. I was so tired of waking up embarassed, guilty and sick! I hope you stick around, there are lots of sober people on here with great advice.
Good luck
x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1,010
Hi Rosie. You won't regret your decision. I drank like you. I tried moderation for 18 months. Abstinence is such a relief. No counting, thinking, rationalising, rinse & repeat scenarios.
I'm 5 weeks sober. I feel great, my skin is amazing, my hair is less knotty (weird but true), I've lost that bloated face and my legs have shrunk by 8" each. It is a bit 'up & down' at first but ride through it. The rewards are worth it.
S x
I'm 5 weeks sober. I feel great, my skin is amazing, my hair is less knotty (weird but true), I've lost that bloated face and my legs have shrunk by 8" each. It is a bit 'up & down' at first but ride through it. The rewards are worth it.
S x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome to SR, Rosie. This is a great place
Our stories are quite similar - I'm 25 and when I quit I drank once or twice a month, but as soon as I took that first sip of alcohol, like you, my priorities changed entirely and the only thing that mattered then was getting absolutely wasted. I upset so many people and caused major problems for myself. I hated myself so much and everything I did whilst drunk. The shame and regret was all consuming and even if I didn't then drink for 2 weeks, I would be constantly berating myself for the last time I got drunk, until I made new mistakes to regret until the next time after that... and so the cycle continued.
Being sober is fantastic. Of course I still mistakes, who doesn't? But at least I know that every mistake I've made I can remember, and I can apologise for them knowing that even though I've made an error of judgement, it was something at the time I thought was right, rather than because I was out of my mind drunk.
It's difficult for people like us because we don't necessarily have a 'day one' - the test for me came every weekend for a few months. Friday and Saturday nights at first were difficult to get through, but it's second nature now to think instead of putting on my pjs, my slippers, eating good food and having good conversation with my husband and snuggles with my dog! The thought of being out until 4am and writing off the next day is awful to me now... so you will get there! You really will! Just keep at it.
I was scared of quitting and not having that safety net of booze, but you know what? The fear was just my addiction talking. It was totally unfounded. Booze did nothing but cause me sadness and chaos, and life is so much better without it.
Wishing you all the best - stick around here, it really does help x
Our stories are quite similar - I'm 25 and when I quit I drank once or twice a month, but as soon as I took that first sip of alcohol, like you, my priorities changed entirely and the only thing that mattered then was getting absolutely wasted. I upset so many people and caused major problems for myself. I hated myself so much and everything I did whilst drunk. The shame and regret was all consuming and even if I didn't then drink for 2 weeks, I would be constantly berating myself for the last time I got drunk, until I made new mistakes to regret until the next time after that... and so the cycle continued.
Being sober is fantastic. Of course I still mistakes, who doesn't? But at least I know that every mistake I've made I can remember, and I can apologise for them knowing that even though I've made an error of judgement, it was something at the time I thought was right, rather than because I was out of my mind drunk.
It's difficult for people like us because we don't necessarily have a 'day one' - the test for me came every weekend for a few months. Friday and Saturday nights at first were difficult to get through, but it's second nature now to think instead of putting on my pjs, my slippers, eating good food and having good conversation with my husband and snuggles with my dog! The thought of being out until 4am and writing off the next day is awful to me now... so you will get there! You really will! Just keep at it.
I was scared of quitting and not having that safety net of booze, but you know what? The fear was just my addiction talking. It was totally unfounded. Booze did nothing but cause me sadness and chaos, and life is so much better without it.
Wishing you all the best - stick around here, it really does help x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,618
Welcome!
Your story sounds much like mine, you arent alone. I have so many people tell me Im awesome when sober....just awful when really drunk. And yupp, God PLEASE help anyone who would stand in the way of my next drink, no matter if I could barely stand or talk properly.
And please dont apologize for posting.
I think we are all glad you did!
Your story sounds much like mine, you arent alone. I have so many people tell me Im awesome when sober....just awful when really drunk. And yupp, God PLEASE help anyone who would stand in the way of my next drink, no matter if I could barely stand or talk properly.
And please dont apologize for posting
.I think we are all glad you did!
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