Beyond

Since getting kicked out of my suboxone program and being told by a Center for Hope to see pain management (that is a methadone/bupe once a day clinic) I have been slapped in the face with the cold hard reality of life. I was physically sexually abused for a large part of my childhood and there is not a time in my life I can remember not being in pain. My parents didn't do modern medicine so I saw alternative healers and it helped reduce the level of pain. Ive only taken pain meds that were prescribed and never got anything with the intention of recreation or getting high. I heared at one outpatient group that genetics and age factor into how your body will metabolize meds and how tolerance and dependency develop, the younger you are the more you can take, the more your body adjusts and acclimates. Here is the thing: PAIN IS one of the most TABOO CONTROVERSIAL topics I've dealt with in our modern digital age. Literally, I've been told by a methadone clinic to seek a pain management clinic. Is this just I'm a liability? For the last year I was pregnant and what's a better way to sober up than that? Off everything. Then my son was born with leukemia and after one month on dialysis & chemo died. I have never been in so much pain. Sometimes I think I see too much truth in the world. I feel like somehow the baby absorbed all the pain and it was too much to survive. The top hemotologists and attending doctors said they had only seen it once in their entire 35 year career. I have a daughter but I feel she would be better off without me. After 10 years of trying to get treated for this pain I finally did. And then it was all gone just like that & I can't help but feeling abandoned and utterly alone in this insufferable misery. I felt alive when they were treating me, they believed me. I got dependent on the meds and somehow I'm not worth the risk, I was a drug seeker, doctor shopper? I felt like I finally had some quality to life that I could live like a normal person. I didn't even drink. And now. I've been told 'we weren't helping you' you need more help than we can offer you. Im already dead.

Thepatman

First I don't think you should blame yourself for your lost child because it was NOT your fault. I really feel for you. But I'm an Alcoholic so I'm not sure what advice can help you.

Keep seeking on this site, there are many great people. Be kind to yourself please.

hypochondriac

I'm so sorry for what you've been through Beyond. Your daughter would definitely not be better off without you though! Please take care of yourself. Have you got a support network at all? x