vinyl

That's unfortunate. Believing you have a character flaw is just that, your belief which is something you created in your mind, and can change when you decide to do so.

JJay

I'm at least a fourth generation alcoholic on my father's side. That's not my fault. If I had cancer I wouldn't consider that a "flaw". It's a disease.

choublak

Why does it even have to be relevant to your dating life?

pauladmits

Getting drinks is almost a social norm. As a guy I would ask the girl out to get drinks because it allows for me to cover my insecurities and her to do the same. But if any girl I liked ever said she doesn't drink, like my girlfriend... I would not care whatsoever. You'd be surprised how flexible guys are when it comes to dates... lol. You are giving too much power to the man. You have the power, if they don't approve of your life choices than they are not worth it.

Fandy

You are only 6 days sober, according to your last thread. You have some severe legal issues, probation, etc.
maybe its getter to gain some self-confidence in other ways, be friends with others do social time in a group.
Ask yourself what you want.

JJay

It's like that with friends, co-workers, etc too. If I run into someone from high school or a former colleague the first thing they say is, "Hey let's grab a drink/beer some time!" It's just the social norm for most of society. Something we all have to learn to live with.

Db1105

I would simply say I don't drink, then see where it goes from there.

onlythetruth

I was divorced about 5 years after I quit drinking and found myself back in the dating world. Here is what I did:

1. Waited until I was ready.
2. Tried to have all first dates occur in situations where drinking was not expected (i.e. coffee, lunch).
3. If the topic of drinking came up early on, said simply "I don't drink" without further explanation.
4. When I met someone promising, told him about my history of addiction before things progressed too far. If it was going to be an issue, I wanted to know before I got hurt too badly.

stevied287

This may be outside the box but try dating websites like match.com. Guys/girls post dates they'd like to go on like grabbing a cup of coffee, going for a walk in the park, etc. They're not all centered around "let's go for some drinks". I've done it before and met a wonderful girl, who happens not to drink at all.

JJay

This is a good idea. Also I believe every profile lists whether people drink heavily, drink socially or don't drink at all. Then you can customize your search to only include people who don't drink whatsoever.

choublak

Okay, I read your other thread, about your frustrations with the legal system...

Why is dating even a priority right now?

england

I would also suggest coffee or a non drinking related date - there is no way I could tell someone on a first date that I have a drink & drug problem.

To me my addiction is something that I am not willing to broadcast as I like to keep it as private as possible.

If the first date evolved into a full relationship then I would tell her about my past.

Its not really starting the relationship with a "lie" as the date would probably not tell you if they had a criminal record or shady history. We all have secrets that we are not willing to share with new friends.

Why scare someone off before they even really know you?

I am 14 months clean and am looking to start dating so I have given this a lot of thought.

JJay

A friend of mine just went on a first date at 11AM this morning to Panera bread. Maybe something like this would be a good start.

I'm not familiar with the legal situation so I can't really comment on that but if it's alcohol related I'm sure I can relate to it.

hypochondriac

Regarding the stigma... as Bob once said - 'It's better than the stigma of being a fall down drunk'

I find there is something quite endearing about the ignorance of 'normies'. It isn't something that has touched their life and chances are they aren't going to assume that if you don't drink you are an alcoholic.

I'd agree that if you say you're an alcoholic though then they are going to be picturing you in a dirty raincoat drinking meths in the gutter.

There is a lot of ignorance about but I prefer that to the violent reaction often found in active alcoholics. Or just big drinkers. It is no reflection on us though. If anyone gets defensive if I say I have given up drinking I just assume they have a drinking problem themselves. How judgemental is that!

Personally I don't think there is any stigma attached to being recovering alcoholic. Most normal people couldn't imagine living without alcohol so I think everyone is slightly in awe of people that do. It's something to be proud of.

Tiredman

Today is day 1 for me. I have a lot of Xmas functions to go to and i plan to say no to alcohol with the reason of being on a health kick or detox.....after some time I expect to be able to say I am a non drinker and not feel bad. I would be staying away from going out for drinks at this point though.

nogard

Welcome Tiredman and congrats on Day 1 Good advice. Stay focused on keeping sober

soberlicious

I usually say "I don't drink" and that's it. I have no shortage of people I enjoy spending time with. I am generally up front about myself when I first meet people, but not because of any need for any type of "rigorous honesty". It's simply called "getting to know each other"...and that takes time. There is so much that makes up me as a person...the fact that I don't drink alcohol...I could honestly care less whether others veiw that as a pro or a con. It's just a fact.

If someone is in active addiction, I have nothing in common with them, nor they with me. That would be a mutual feeling.