Mizzuno

When i was a young girl, 12 or 13, my parents left me homeless. I was couch surfing and letting anyone take me in that had a warm place for me to sleep. I was anti authority and angry. The drugs were plenty and the alcohol flowed. I was a mess. Looking back on this young woman , my heart hurts like hell for her at times. I am also very proud of the woman that she became and how determined she was to make a life for herself. Her past scares me though.
Here I am, in my 30's, and the idea of running into someone from my hometown makes me want to curl up in a ball and bury myself in the ground. There is nothing that i can do to change any behavior that i had while I was 12. The lies, the stealing, the drugs, the behaviors are all things that I did 20+ years ago. I stand faced with the fact that i will soon enough run into a woman who is from my hometown and has never liked me and probably never will. I am scared SH##less. Why? I am not sure. How do I walk through this? I dont know.
I was at work the other day and there was her name and number on the caller ID. I wouldnt asnwer. Running away was my first instinct. I cant though. I am a grown up and I have a lot of responsibility. I understand my insecurities are getting the best of me and I know that. It doesnt change my response though.

Thank you.

mecanix

Mizzuno ,
you are no longer a 12 year old child, sometimes when people from our pasts crop up we end up inhabiting those same emotional roles as when we last saw them, we don't need to, you are soverigen in your own mind and can react in any number of ways .

You have learned, you have grown, you are an adult now. If this peson tries to rattle a few skelingtons then so what ? that is quite childish, you are bigger than that and can rise above it.

Sometimes i believe a good offecnce is the best defence and would get something like that out in the open by mentioning it right up front , if you don't act furtive or secretive, act brash and upfront about some bit of history quite often people don't notice or don't treat things you tell them as something selacious or interesting ..

Whatever you do

Bestwishes, M

Mizzuno

Yes, i guess this is a emotional role of the 12 year old. I am a adult now. It has been a huge thing in my mind. I reverted back to that little girl.
Everybody wants to be liked ya know? So, in knowing that this person does not like me it makes me want to get their approval (subconsciously). It's interesting. Realistically, I could care less about her approval. Im thinking there is some solid work that needs to be done here, letting go is the hardest thing for me to do.

Sapling

I don't know what you do for your recovery...I wish you well with it whatever it is. One of the things that stood out for me in reading the Big Book of AA was....Clearing the wreckage of my past....Being able to move forward and help someone else with my past....Without having to drag the weight of it around with me. I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore...I've righted my wrongs...To the best of my ability....There is only one word for that....Freedom.

Mizzuno

I understand that to some this may seem childish and irrelevant to sobriety. For me, not sharing this fear means i am not doing the work necessary to be emotionally and mentally sober. Take the alcohol away and there is S##t that needs to be tackled.

Sapling

Exactly.

Mizzuno

When the time allows i will right the wrong that my 12 year old self created. I believe that this might seriously take place with me forgiving myself and moving on. I really think it is about me and the way that i feel about myself. I was a child then. I have no amends to make with this person ( that i am aware of) I walk freely in knowing that. I have fear and I am facing it.

Sapling

I started playing around with alcohol about that age....I was drinking alcoholically at 15...And I drank till my early 50's....But I had the emotional make up of a 15 year old when I quit....I had some serious work to do....What a break for me to have a program already layed out to do it. Don't let that stuff get to you....It's what kept me drinking for so long....And I didn't even know it.

mecanix

Don't forget to forgive the twelve year old you, she sounds like a plucky kid, a survivor .

zanzibar

There is a chance that this person has grown up as well and there may be nothing negative brewing. But I think it is better to play on the defensive side and plan for the worst. Maybe some sort of message service may give you an indication of her tone before making contact.

MIRecovery

Your past is your past. Rejoyce in the fact that you are not that person anymore. As long as you like what you see in the mirror it makes no differance what others think. Anyone that has half a brain will see you have changed. If they choose to see the person you were it is their loss

Mizzuno

SO, let me think here. The worst that could/can happen is that she behaves in a way that is negative towards me. She could say " you were not a good person at 12 or 13. I never liked you. I don't like you now.. " Blah Blah Blah.

I think that I can handle that. It isnt who I am today and it will never be who I will be again. I learned a lot from those years.
Given that i have grown, I am going to give the benefit of the doubt that she has grown as well.
(I know it doesnt sound like I have grown. I mean, I am here reliving a nightmare that happened 20+ years ago)
:rotfxko

Mizzuno

Can I get a AMEN!

YVRguy

Hmm I can relate Mizzuno

Fear and a pile of wreckage from the past is with me as well but I think you have come to the right point of view, which for me was acceptance of things I did and who I have been but also who I am today.

Lots of people , alcoholic or not , have similar issues with their past. Some grow and learn to accept them and use that experience for growth and some will live with them twisting them into knots. Some make amends , some do not.

Like Sapling , I let this stuff eat me up for a long time , and also found a program and other support to help me start dealing with a lot of years of this stuff stunting my growth.

While I know some people want to grind a 20 year old axe , most people I run across from my past have grown a lot too and have some insight as to why things were the way they were in the past. The axe grinders who will not accept an apology and move on are equally as stunted in their growth IMHO and probably need help to move past it whether they abuse substances or not.

I think the Serenity Prayer has this one down in accepting the things we can not change which for me includes other people and their point of view.

Some bad things have come back in vivid detail for me but I now can turn for help on dealing with it.

Inca

Hi - I'm with Sapling on this one. I felt so guilty about what I had done in the past. I was afraid I would bump into people on the street that I knew and who knew what I had done and literally hide and run away. Once I started working the steps from the Big Book of aa, especially the step when it's time to talk to the people you wanted to run from, admit what you did, and make wrong right, I felt sooo much better. I found that everyone I talked to was very forgiving and getting it out in front of people has helped me face the past and heal.

I used to have nightmares about the horrible things I did, but once I faced them head on and cleared the air, the nightmares went away and I'm ok with the past. It is what it is and I'm a stronger person because of it. Hope that helps somewhat!

MIRecovery

Amen X 2!!!!

My sponsor tells me it is none of my business what others think of me. The scared little child in me still wants to though. Alas progress not prefection.

Maybe someday I will become an adult