trckdnbamboozld

Prince Charming had found me the end of June and by the beginning of July we were unseparably in a great relationship, falling in cosmic love. He was sweet and kind, a real attentive gentleman. There were a few things I noticed about his drinking but I've always been a fun girl and there were only two times that I saw that were questionable.

I went away for my birthday for two weeks thinking that he'd might forget about me, but he was more attentive to me, always calling and texting, I was in high heaven yearning to get back home.

He was a fast moving guy that knew what he wanted and he wanted me, to be with him and eventually move in with him. He sucked me in I've dated some guy not at all good for me and I thought that this time my Prince Charming really came along to save me. Little did I know by the end of July I'd be saving him.

He went away in August to a rehab center in Connecticut. He came to the realization that good things were entering his life and he wanted to fix himself on his own terms this time
around. He blind sided me. I had no clue. I felt stupid and abandoned. He gave me the option to walk away, but hoping that id stay. And so i did because it was too late. My guarded walls were down and I fell so deep with him. And so I waited for a month not sharing how i felt because I wanted to be the dutiful girlfriend and not give him a hard time while he was away. Plus I figured that i can ask him after he came back and reaclimated.

It's September now. I gave him a letter and a daily journal I kept for my thoughts to him. I know he hasnt read them yet. The attentiveness is gone. He said he still wants to be with me but hes working on his recovery. I'm trying to be understanding but he is completely different from the guy I used to know. The calls are less frequent, his affirmations are gone, his I love yous are sparse, and he's never initially wanting to see me.

What is he doing? How can he still want to be with me but pull away from me so much. And adding everything else on his to do list... Yoga class, meditations, a puppy, German classes, gym. I don't think I'm even on his list except for his daily phone call.

When am I going to be attended to. Maybe appreciated for staying. Maybe apologized to for putting me through this. I'm sitting here waiting quietly with my heart ripped out because my Prince Charming is dead and gone and possibly all this time prefabricated from a bottle. Help I'm walking on egg shells and don't know what to do. We have discussed our relationship before and he says he wants to be with me and not to stress but how can i take his word? How can he treat me so differently? Is he just prolonging the inevitable?

Most importantly is this typical for someone in recovery?

Dee74

Welcome trckdnbamboozld

I'm sorry for your pain.

I hope you won't think me insensitive whn I say this...but some loves are forever, some are not.

Only you can decide where this one fits.

If your needs are not being meet, then it's time for a rethink, I think.

I hope you'll check out out Family and Friends forum too - you'll get a lot of support down there as well

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

trckdnbamboozld

Thanks for the help!

least

I think that if you're not happy in this relationship it may be time to reconsider it.

Jitterbugg

Of course I don't know your bf, but I have been to rehab. The counsellors at the one I went to discouraged getting into new relationships so early in sobriety. I guess the thinking is that relationship problems/breakups can compromise sobriety. Maybe he needs some time to work on himself?

trckdnbamboozld

@jitterbug. Yes he did tell me that. And I do think he does need time to help himself. I told him that if that is what they were saying that maybe we should just walk away. He asked me if that would be easy for me and I did say of course not. So even when i tried to give him the get out of jail free card he told me he still wanted to be with me. I just got off the phone with him tonight. I played it cool, listening to him and his ordeals. Mentioned that I signed up on this forum and was going to an al-anon meeting Wednesday and he said that he appreciated what I was doing, didn't think I had to, but i told him that there are things on my mind that I don't want to bring up to him yet till i figure some stuff out and also not while he is trying to get back to normallcy in his life. He said had no idea he had an affect on me to need that. All in all I think our conversation went well since Sunday when I did show a little indifference with him about the situation.

I'm willing to put in the time regardless on how it turns out. I just need to understand what is standard, what to expect, versus what is cowardice before I do anything because Prince Charming is worth working on.

silly

So sorry to hear this relationship isn't working. As much as I know it doesn't help, I'm glad it's a new relationship. It does make it easier to make the leave/stay decision but years of history would make it harder. I'm not sure you'll get the appreciation and thankfulness you'd like. Not that you don't deserve it but I don't know that he sees it in these terms. I think he sees you being there as you wanting to be there and not because you feel obligated or that you're helping in a way nobody else can. I know that sounds WAY harsh. I don't mean it to be. I'm looking at it from the perspective of a person fresh from rehab. It's hard enough to deal with the obvious. Too hard to deal with meeting another person's needs, unfortunately.

If you'd like to be with him, give him space, let him work on himself and when he's ready and IF you're still available then a healthy relationship might be possible. But take care of yourself first. If you're unhappy and it's too much, it's okay to step back. Nobody would faulf you and I think many would probably encourage you

trckdnbamboozld

@ silly thanks! I'm a very understanding person and even too understanding. I may not have gone through what a person in recovery has but I have grown in major ways that had led me to stay as an aiding and hopeful girlfriend. Through this forum and friends the consensus seams the same and i am just opening the third eye now. It's hard for someone who's was sold by a 'Prince Charming' after a lot of bad ones, to let him go like it was nothing and something to run far away from. In my mind not all of that time spent together had to have been inder the influence, there had to have been some truth in the magic we had. I'm a tough one to win over and he managed to do so in that month. Eventually I will have to muster the courage to get him to tell me what part of it was even real.

zanzibar

I don't mean to sound callous either, or that you are unimportant but at this time his recovery has to be first and foremost to him. This really is a life and death struggle, it's not that you're unimportant, but only time will tell if the relationship survives. If it doesn't I would be hesitant to lay blame anywhere, or with anyone. If you really believe in him give it time and see what happens. If it doesn't work out then it wasn't meant to be. I really hope it works out the way you want it to.

tomsteve

i'm sorry for my ignorance, but where in healthy, caroing, loving, long lasting relationships is there room for things like, "When am I going to be attended to. Maybe appreciated for staying."
maybe i am wrong, but love is about giving, not receiving.

also, isnt there a part you are playing in this, like expectations and allowing it to happen?

relationships take work. each person has to wok on themselves.

kittycat3

Hey trckd,
We've all been sold a load of crap with the prince charming, eh?
I am afraid I am going to ask you to take off those rose colored glasses too dear.

I'd say that for a relationship as young as yours it has a lot going against it, too much. He could have been clinging to you as a distraction from his real problems. Now that he's sober, he is learning first hand how many changes he'll need to make.

I think if you are truly a healthy person, you will see he is not healthy and not able to fully commit himself for a long while. And if you are not a healthy person you will look to this relationship to define you or have greater meaning than it did.

I am sorry if this is harsh. You deserve someone who is healthy and can truly be 100% in a relationship. If you don't see that then please get some therapy to figure out why you are selling yourself short.

xoxox.

DrunkTx

Maybe I am a contrarian, maybe I am saying the same thing. First the good: at least to me, everything you have laid out about your bf's recovery path is text book right. Focused on his sobriety first, not over committing or getting too emotionally engaged. Frankly ye has to do it the way he is. More good: you helped him see the need for change, you are important enough that he isn't over committing to and under delivering, and most of all you have a chance to see true beauty in humanity...a recovering alcoholic. If you thought he was awesome drunk, lookout for when he is sober. We drunks have this in common: our drunkness killed us, our sobriety gave birth to us. You have a decision: do you want to watch and experience this metamorphosis or do you need to move on. There is no right answer to that choice, just what your heart tells you.

I can not promise you will love him going forward, but I can promise that you will be enthralled by the sobriety of a recovering alcoholic!

trckdnbamboozld

@kittycat3 & tomsteve. I guess this is one of those " you had to have been there to believe it" moments but I'm a skeptic to love and he just won me over. But yes I do see the black and white and know what i deserve and because I was in a caring, loving relationship, I want to be there for support and i don't just want to leave in fear that breaking up with him may trigger drinking, which is why I am signing up for these meetings and therapy to find out how to deal with addicts without walking on eggshells but more importantly at the same time not involving myself into something that I don't need to. Because we all have our own issues to deal with and I am willing to put on the wait if I feel that it is not going to bring me down. I just need to understand more about recovery without interupting his work. And that tomsteve is what I'm willing to give. But I don't want to be played with either if he knows because trust definitely was lost when he didn't tell me about his problem. He has done rehab before but not out of his own accord. Simething detrimental like that should have been disclosed. I want to protect his sobriety but I also want to protect myself.

trckdnbamboozld

@drunktx. You said exactly what I told him. Before he went in he asked me if I wanted to stick around and i told him that if he was Prince Charming before going there, I'd have to find a better name for him after he came out! Haven't thought of one yet...

But yes what you said is one of the main things running through my head. I do hope for the best and before these responses I honestly didn't get it. Usually selfishness is deemed as a negative thing and i personally don't like being that way but I felt since he was that maybe I should because heck im at the ither end of the short broken stick. For now I will set the "you owe me for rocking my world" attitude aside

DrunkTx

One other little secret: focusing on sobriety is the epitome of selflessness not selfishness. I feel like a broken record to many on this forum, but it merits saying. Without his sobriety, he will fail everybody including you. Think about it, he was a drunk and lied to you about his issues. Sadly, from what you described, you got off easy. Imagine drunks who abuse their kids, cheat on their partners, fail in their commitments, break the law, put others lives in danger. So you see, for us, there is no greater evil to the world than our drunkness. Our sobriety, while inwardly focused and approached....is the only way we can deliver to those that mean the most. As such, nothing is more important than our sobriety.

trckdnbamboozld

@drunktx. I agree and so very true. Spoken like a poet you are

kittycat3

So you are not leaving because you are afraid if you do he will drink? He was less than honest with you about his past and you walked and seem to continue to walk on eggshells. Again, not trying to be harsh but I'm thinking you deserve more trckd.

I don't think he's a bad guy, but he's got a disease. Let him heal, give him the space to do it without a safety net so it's for real. Right now you are a part of the problem, even if you don't see it. You're already teaching him what you will put up with in only a few weeks of dating him. Why is this guy with a disease who has lied to you and has serious problems your prince charming?

Of COURSE he wants you to move in with him, it would prevent him from doing the hard work of dealing with his problems.....delete his number and call him in 1 year if you have any real hope of this being the real deal. If you continue to be his crutch he will not find true sobriety and you will be left to pick up the pieces when he relapses.

kittycat3

Sorry, this does sound harsh. I've seen this same thing so many times, honor YOURSELF trckd. You deserve it.

tomsteve

a person has to get selfish to get sober before they can be selfless.
i wouldnt blame ya a bit for not trusting. but dont forget its a 2 way street.
and you really dont have the power to make anyone drink, unless you are forcing it down his throat.