Rubysoho

Hi
Sorry I keep posting on here. I'm on day 16 of my recovery and still have lots of questions. About 4 days into my recovery I saw my Mum. And she's not one for asking questions, or expressing emotions or anything like that. And I must have looked AWFUL because she asked me what was wrong, and despite many attempts to change the subject (I really don't want my Mum to know me, the only 'non addict' in the family, is an alcoholic) she kept asking. And I told her that I had bad liver test results, and that I've quit drinking for my health. The liver bit was true, but the real reason I quit was cos I'm addicted.
Now nearly 2 weeks later she sent me a text to say she's proud of me of sorting 'this' out before it becomes a problem. My Mum only ever gets in touch with me when someone has died, she always waits for me to call her. That's just how our family works, and to be honest I like it that way.
I feel really really awful now, cos I must have worried her. I left home 9 years ago and she doesn't contact me. I don't even go for Christmas. I must have worried her for her to send that text.
I feel so bad, cos my Mum is the person I probably see the least out of anyone, and if she knows and is worried, then a) it must be obvious b) noone wants to upset their Mum (well most people anyway).
I feel so ashamed. like I've let everyone down. I know that text should have been a postitive thing, but I feel like crap to be honest.
Sorry, I just needed to share that.

RevivingOphelia

I really don't think you should feel crappy about it. Your mom was expressing some support in a way that wasn't too obtrusive--a text.

Try and let it go and know that she is right; it IS good that you are addressing this issue now.

Rubysoho

Thanks, I just feel like I've let my whole family down. I kinda hoped they'd never find out. They always call me the 'white sheep of the family' cos I'm as my Mum says 'the good one'. So I feel like I've disappointed people. But I should be grateful that I have a family that care about me. I've just been so up and down these last few days. My Mum expressing any emotion is a big thing, it just threw me a bit. I feel really stressed out now! I am going to try letting it go, and try and distract myself with other things. And maybe next time I see my Mum wear some make-up so she can't see how rough I look!

MrsKing

You've let nobody down, Rubysoho. Please don't think that. You're doing the right thing and you should be proud of yourself. Your mum was letting you know that she is supporting you in your decision, and wants you to know that she's on your side; that what you're doing is admirable. Please don't let it get you down or stress you out.

When you've been sober a while you will begin to notice that you look fantastic and you will feel fantastic, too.

Wishing you all the best x

Sapling

Hey Rubysoho....I'm an alcoholic....One thing I was really good at at was pouring guilt on myself....Feeling sorry for myself and giving myself no credit for anything. I think what you are doing is amazing and I think your Mum does too. Pat yourself on the back and keep working on your sobriety...This could be a new relationship for you and your Mum....Congrats to you on your time!

Rubysoho

Thank you.
You're right, it might be a new start for me and my Mum. I just wish she didn't know. But then I wish I wasn't an alcoholic in the first place. But wishing stuff isn't going to get me anywhere!
I'm hoping there will be a point when I can feel proud of staying sober, and people have said to me that they are proud of me, but I can't hear it at the moment. I don't feel like I deserve it. And I feel like I'm tempting fate. I hope that there will be a time I can be proud of myself for getting sober. Hopefully soon!

instant

Be gentle on yourself. Getting off the grog is rough in the first few weeks. My emotions were all over the place for six months. In retrospect I think my thinking and judgement about things had been seriously affected by the alcohol. It takes time to heal.

IndaMiricale

Thank you for sharing and please dont ever apologize for doing so

Congrats on your time.

Maybe consider some AA , some good f2f work can do wonder's to open our own eyes. And as you grow in this sober life, many things are going to come to light and change. Specially you and how you feel about things..

I look forward to watching you grow and please keep posting..

Sapling

I think you are already there.

Rubysoho

I'm going to AA again tonight, which I think will help me. i've made some contacts as well so hopfully will go for coffee with people next week. There's so much stuff I don't understand and can't get my head around. also, this board, and talking to others has helped me get stuff off my chest. I know its a cliche but I really do feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. Like all the feelings I've been drinking away have suddenly come back to life and I can't contol them yet!
The support on this board is amazing, thanks guys, you really do help!

Sapling

Don't try and figure it all out in one day....It is a rollercoaster ride but every day you don't drink it will even out. It took us awhile to get where we are....It takes a little time to get out. Have a good meeting....Find the winners and hang on to them tight. Start looking for a sponsor to guide you through the steps..READ THE BOOK! You put in the effort....And you can change your life.

soulgypsy

I'm a mom of 4 adult children. No matter what they have ever done--good or bad--I love them with all my heart. I don't always love the choices they make, but none of us are a sum of our mistakes. I'm sure she reached out to you in love and support in an unobtrusive way.

Besides, from personal experience, your mom's gonna worry about you regardless. I worry about my kids all the time, even when they have given me no cause to do so--it's just what moms do.

Try to let go of the shame and guilt that you are feeling, concentrate on your sobriety and know that your mom is probably standing quietly in your corner, saying a prayer and routing you on.

16 days. You should be proud--keep up the great work!

Rubysoho

I've been reading bits of the book, but I'm going to try and read it every day. I am writing in my journal every day, and writing down pros and cons of drinking (9 pro's and 23 con's - I'm adding to this all the time!). All those things have been helping.
I'm just having a hard time accepting that there are some things I can't control, my drinking and my recovery. I'm a bit of a control freak so it's been driving me mad. I also am having a hard time accepting that certain people (my Mum, my boss, my husband) need to know how I'm doing. I'm not a great sharer (but I have a gold medal in hiding problems), so its really awkward for me to talk about, but I understand they're asking cos they care/are obliged to care.
I just need to learn how to accept things, take advice and look after myself! Oh and patience!

Thanks Soulgypsy for giving a Mum's perspective too. We have such an unemotional relationship (which we are both comfortable with) it just made me feel guilty that she was worried about me. It makes me feel better that she always (quietly) hopes the best for me.

Sapling

There is a story towards the back of the book...It's called..."Acceptance was the Answer".....I recommend it.

Rubysoho

Thanks sapling. I only have the pocket version of the big book. But when I have the money I'll buy the big version and read it :-)

Sapling

Here you go....Enjoy it. I love this story.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...edintime16.pdf

debsam

Oh Ruby, please try and see this as a positive thing. We are so hard on ourselves when trying to get sober.

I'm very much like you too...bit of a control freak . Best thing I ever did Ruby was to allow myself to let people in...even if it was just a crack in the door...ya know? You don't have to do this all alone...you have all of us at SR and you have a Mum that's just letting you know that she cares.

You will soon find that after not drinking a lot of things about your appearance will change. It's gradual...but it does come. Self care really does take a back seat when we are actively drinking. I help myself with the process by being good to myself. I did small things like getting my hair colored/trimmed, I bought new make up, new bed sheets, a new bedside lamp for reading at night (I read the Big Book' and other recovery literature) , new cozy jammies. You DO deserve this...all of these little things helped in clearing my mind.

Big hugs

sugarbear1

borrow a copy from the meeting.

16 days is amazing! Keep moving forward!

Love & hugs,

Rubysoho

Thanks for the passage sapling, I have just read it. It made me laugh in places cos the whoe 'if you had my xxx you'd drink too!' I used to say stuff like that all the time! And I can kind of identify with his kind of long road to acceptance. I've wasted so much time (I'm only on day 17) but so much time wishing things were different. But they're not. And they won't be. I stopped drinking about 7 years ago for 3 months. I knew I was an alcoholic then, but I thought if I ignored the problem long enough it would go away. Excuses and reasons to drink piled up along with my increasing alcohol intake. All I have to show for it now is a load of missed opportunities and a damaged liver!
I'm going to try and attend a meeting tomorrow where a woman who I might ask to be my sponsor will be there. I think its important I go through the steps, because although I identify with a lof of people's shares and stories, I can't seem to let myself get better in my mind, although I've stayed sober.
Debsam thanks for the advice. I'm finding this forum really good to start to open up on. I really don't like talking about my feelings (I get that from my Mum!) but I'm finding it easier on here.
Sugarbear, I think I'll treat myself to the big version of the big book. compared to what I was spending on drinking, I think i can justify it. I find the pocket version very useful.
Thanks again guys!

Sapling

That's what it's all about Rubysoho....I'll send some prayers your way for strength and willingness....I'm glad you liked the story.