Living to die
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nashville,Tn
Posts: 7
Living to die
My 45 year old brother has endstage cirrhosis and hep c.He is still drinking with a 7 year old that he is about to lose custody of.I have exausted all the resources I could find him to get help.What have I missed.It is just a matter of time before ascites take over his little function he has except the ability to drink.Broke,homeless except for his so called friends that he hangs with to drink.I no longer give him money but I do give him some smokes when I see him and I offer food or a visit with dinner and his son..He only has supervised visitation of his son now.I believe the courts will strip him of his full custody in October when we return.Currently I have Power of Attorney and now protective custody of his son.
I hate sitting back with this tough love attitude watching him die.I told him that if losing his son doesn't want to give him the incentive to fight for life than I don't know what else to do.I have told him of treatment centers I contacted for him to call and get help.I tell him it would be in his and his son's best interest to take advantage of the help he can get.All I get is I know.There must be something else.I am not God but I have gotten in the way thinking I was.Now I ask before I go off the deep end to force help for him.I just won't give up.
Happy I have found this site.Thanks for reading and for any replies you may share.
Love and Prayers
Nashville12
I hate sitting back with this tough love attitude watching him die.I told him that if losing his son doesn't want to give him the incentive to fight for life than I don't know what else to do.I have told him of treatment centers I contacted for him to call and get help.I tell him it would be in his and his son's best interest to take advantage of the help he can get.All I get is I know.There must be something else.I am not God but I have gotten in the way thinking I was.Now I ask before I go off the deep end to force help for him.I just won't give up.
Happy I have found this site.Thanks for reading and for any replies you may share.
Love and Prayers
Nashville12
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I hate to say this but he won't seek help unless and until he wants it. Nothing you do or say can make him do it. It has to be his choice. I would suggest help for you in some form as you're having to watch him waste away and seeking custody of his son. YOu've got a lot on your plate right now and need some support for yourself.
Welcome to the family!
Welcome to the family!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
AA's How It works says it well: ......
Alcoholics Anonymous - How it works
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
© Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcoholics Anonymous - How it works
RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided that you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought that we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power - that One is God. May you find him now.
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
How it works - Chapter 5, page 58-60 of the Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
© Alcoholics Anonymous
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Nashville12)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. ((Least)) is right - he won't stop drinking until HE is ready. I'm a recovering addict and have loved ones who are still addicts and being a loved one is hard.
You may want to check out this other forum. It's for friends and family members of alcoholics. I think you will read a lot of stories that sound very familiar - you are not alone, we are here for you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You may want to check out this other forum. It's for friends and family members of alcoholics. I think you will read a lot of stories that sound very familiar - you are not alone, we are here for you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Nashville, what a heartbreaking situation you are in. My heart goes out to you. Your brother is lucky to have you on his side. Have you tried writing him a letter expressing your care, your concerns, your willingness to help him? It may not do a bit of good, but it might help you to put it all on paper. Perhaps if he can read it in his own time and privacy some of it may sink in. I hope you have some support in all of this. Maybe you could direct him here to SR to show him he's not alone, and help is possible?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm very sorry for your situation, but I'm so glad your nephew is in safe hands 
Please do stick around - you'll find a lot of support here - and in the forum Impurrfect linked to as well.
There'll be a lot of people here who've been in your shoes and know how you feel
D
Please do stick around - you'll find a lot of support here - and in the forum Impurrfect linked to as well.
There'll be a lot of people here who've been in your shoes and know how you feel
D
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Nashville, I am really sorry for the situation you face. I'm sure you feel helpless. I hope you have sought counseling for his boy, and am sure glad that you have custody.
Your brother's situation does not sound hopeful. It sounds like you've done all you possibly can. At some point, you may have to accept his pending mortal demise, and just remain in prayer for him, and work on his faith in the Lord for the hereafter. I only say this as it seems it may be the best benefit for all involved, in a hopeless situation.
Alcohol is one hell of a monster. Addiction is a horrible thing. I thank you for sharing your story. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
Your brother's situation does not sound hopeful. It sounds like you've done all you possibly can. At some point, you may have to accept his pending mortal demise, and just remain in prayer for him, and work on his faith in the Lord for the hereafter. I only say this as it seems it may be the best benefit for all involved, in a hopeless situation.
Alcohol is one hell of a monster. Addiction is a horrible thing. I thank you for sharing your story. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nashville,Tn
Posts: 7
I have my nephew in counseling.He has been since the start of school last year.I know this little boy has a troubled heart and I can't imagine what he thinks.His Mom is ina long term nursing home on a ventilater to help her breath.She too has a fatal disease.I hold much anger for them both for not changing their life for the sake of their son.Now my husband and I must to take care of their child.Our Mom was an active alcoholic in the most trying time in my life when I was younger and I don't want that for my nephew.I rack my brain to search for help for my brother.I was hoping the courts would have told him he must attend a long term treatment facility and meetings.I was tempted to suggest it but I remind myself I am not God and I should just keep praying and stay out of his way.I trust in the fact that The Good Lord does for us what we can't or won't do for ourselves.I so fear the phone call or the knock on the door in regards to my brother.I know death is inevitable for him but he could slow that down and have some quality of living for him and his son until he does die.I have looked into the Marchman Act but as I read ,it is only for the length of a detox.Each time he goes to detox(twice he has been since Nov 11)he has an hepatic episode.Maybe when we return to court,they will set a course of action that he will have no choice but to comply.Detox only has worked for up to 3 weeks with no follow up of meetings or counseling.I thought that a longer sobriety period would clear his drinking thinking and get him on a roll.Some days I stay busy enough to fill my head with other thoughts.It will take a few days for all the court mess to level out and I will keep saying specific prayers.
Thank You all for your replies.They are heartfelt and appreciated.Happy I found you all here!!
Love and Prayers
Thank You all for your replies.They are heartfelt and appreciated.Happy I found you all here!!
Love and Prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nashville,Tn
Posts: 7
I have asked him.I have suggested that for the sake of keeping his son it is in his and his sons best interest.I have gone as far as getting a intervention with family and friends underway.The day before this I found him and brought him here.He slept for awhile,got up and ate something and then asked for a beer.He walked away that day and has not and now cannot stay here due to custody issues.He doesn't want to stay here because we are not within walking distance of a store or his drinking neighborhood.And he knows he cannot drink here because I won't allow it around his son.He asked me to take him to detox this last time without my demanding it and I was so hoping he really meant it.It lasted 6 days and he said he had cabin fever and had to get away for a while.When he came back 4 days laterI told him he could stay that night and in the morning I took him right back where he came from because while he was the those 4 days he spent his and his sons foodstamps and families first money.I told him I was done and I told him I loved him as he left my car and I drove away.Then I get a call that DCS wants to interview his son and this is what is going on now with the custody issue.He has called saying he needed the number I have for treatment and then he never calls them or hasn't yet.I will take him for help but I no longer enable or let him play on my pity.Tough Love is just as it says TOUGH.I think it is worse than tough.Thanks for your reply!
Love and Prayers
Love and Prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nashville,Tn
Posts: 7
Thank you for your reply.I have not sat down to put anything on paper.I did copy information I found on his diagnosis and couldn't get him to read that.I just may sit and do just that though.It will help me to clear my head for a few if nothing else.
Love and Prayers
Love and Prayers
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
I am so sorry.
I just went through this with my cousin. She died in the hospital and was also in the process of losing custody of her 4 year old. Kids do not need to go through their alcoholic hell but they sure do.
I think she was in complete denial about her health and /or maybe she didn't care. I tried talking to her many times and so did many of her family. There really is nothing anyone can do. She was hiding and drinking right up until she was in the hospital this last time.
Alanon is probably the beet option for you and your nephew. And lots of prayer.
Hugs
I just went through this with my cousin. She died in the hospital and was also in the process of losing custody of her 4 year old. Kids do not need to go through their alcoholic hell but they sure do.
I think she was in complete denial about her health and /or maybe she didn't care. I tried talking to her many times and so did many of her family. There really is nothing anyone can do. She was hiding and drinking right up until she was in the hospital this last time.
Alanon is probably the beet option for you and your nephew. And lots of prayer.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 55
If you suggest mandatory treatment to court officials- maybe they'll order it as a condition for visitation. I lost a parent and a caretaker to alcoholism. It's hard to want to help but to also be uncertain of what to do. In the end, I knew that I did all I could to offer these people help, but they refused and chose to die. I have no regrets. I think you should do whatever you feel is best without enabling. If you end up losing him, you'll know you did all you could. It is TOUGH. A lot of people choose to enable and a lot choose to walk away. It's harder to draw a firm line in the sand and stick by your demands with no exceptions. Whatever you decide- you're already above and beyond by raising his child. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nashville,Tn
Posts: 7
Thank you elisabeth and I am sorry for your loss.Thank You Beetle53,it is something I am giving much thought to.I will talk to my nephews attorney and see what he says about the court ordering this.He is coming to check out our home and meet my husband for the info he needs in regards to our custody of his son.It is in my nephews best interest in the long run since both parents have a fatal disease.Power of Attorney has gotten the help I need for my nephew.Custody will insure he future well being.And Thank you Mizzuno for offering your support.I need all I can get and more some days!!
Love and Prayers
Love and Prayers
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
