Yesterday's addiction assessment: I still know I'm an alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: McLean, VA
Posts: 22
Yesterday's addiction assessment: I still know I'm an alcoholic.
Yesterday, I went in for my addiction assessment. It was much different this time than the last. Last time, I went into a quiet little office with my counselor's diplomas on the walls. Quiet questions, soft light. I was more or less relaxed. I talked about myself, admitted things I thought I was too afraid to, was given some AA/Women for Sobriety/SMART meeting fliers, and sent on my way to detox at home.
This time, before my appointment (same facility), I was taken back by a very friendly nurse whose demeanor immediately put me at ease, thankfully. I'd been suffering through an anxiety attack from the moment I got off work, got in my car, drove to the hospital, and sat in the waiting area. "Oh, God. What am I doing? Am I really going? I'm going. I should have had a beer first. There was that pub right there on the corner! I'm already here, though. I wonder if I could just leave for a sec, it's RIGHT THERE. It's 3:35. Appointment at 4. Totally enough time." First time in nearly three weeks I haven't had my first beer between 3:45 and 4:00. I was shaky and sweating through the armpits of my shirt. I know my shoes smelled. I have a habit of not wearing socks anyway which just made it worse. I do not remember feeling like this the last time I came in for evaluation.
Anyway, the nurse took me back into an exam room. Cramped, upright exam table, drawers labeled with stickers that read, "beathalizer tubes" instead of "bandaids" or "gauze."
I was confused. "What am I doing in here?" I thought, "Where's the cooshy couch and the diplomas and quiet questions and soft light?"
I went through the same screening questions: When was the last time you drank? How many? What was it? Let's check your BP and temperature, yadda yadda. All that done, the nurse pulls out this little gun-looking thing with a tube on it. "So, you'll need to breathe into this until it clicks, hun. Okay, ready?"
I have never, ever, come to a situation where I was breathalized. Ever. It was a shock to me. I blew into the tube for what felt like an agonizingly long time. The little gun clicked. The meter read out 0.00. My confusion ovewhelmed my relief. "I don't drink during the day - why are they breathalizing me??" I was taken back to the waiting room after that. I tried to read a book. I created a cocoon around myself. I looked at no one. I made as little movement as possible. I coughed and cleared my throat, crossed and un-crossed my legs to hide the random twitches of my body as my anxiety attack reinvigorated itself.
A little while later, I was taken back to see the counselor.
Him: "How can I help you?"
Me: "I want to stop drinking, and I can't do it by myself."
After a little questioning about my habits and bodily functions (embarrassment I can't even begin to describe), he gave me my treatment options. All meds. No rehab for me - evidently I'm not so advanced in my addiction that I'll need it (yay?). He cleared me to detox at home, with supervision (problem now comes with finding someone to supervise. Aaaand I suddenly feel like a kid sick at home with the flu). It made me wonder how much one has to drink to be recommended to in-patient treatment. I felt I'm a pretty heavy drinker. I'm now terrified of thinking what one has to be consuming on the daily for the doc to say, "Yeah, you should go to rehab." How deteriorated must one's psyche and life be? It was a moment of intense perspective for me there.
He prescribed me with meds to aid in the withdrawal symptoms of detox, and prescribed meds to inhibit the cravings. He said to come back for Antabuse if I felt I needed it. Who am I, right now, to know what I feel I need? I rejected that option. "What if I slip??" The thought should have been, "Sure! I need to do all I can do not to slip!" Go. Me.
I was expecting (maybe even hoping for) more. Not just this in and out: Get this B vitamin injection. Get these blood tests run. Go to AA after detox. So very cut and dry. Maybe it IS that simple and my mind is complicating all of it. I don't know.
All I know is, I'm scared. I walked into the lab with the intention to give vials of blood for tests (liver function, WBC, nutrients, etc.), and I turned on a heel and walked the heck back out, anxiety attack in full swing. Nevermind the (huge) fear of needles. That's moot.
It's the fear of going through it all. Through the needles poking, through the results in my email, through detox, through re-evaluating my life, through giving up certain friends, though addressing feelings I've squashed for three years with alcohol, through feeling less exciting, less social and less friendly. Through all of it. Mostly the feelings part. If I feel uncomfortable, I avoid and isolate. And drink.
BUT. That's what got me to where I am NOW. I know the other side can be blissful, but I know the other side will be hard. I know I need to work for it - Nothing worth having is easy! And at that moment in the lab, I froze, and I chose isolation over healing. I know better than that now, but I feel like drinking has a chokehold on my mind. I kicked myself the whole ride home. I could have turned around and gone back, and I didn't.
Recognizing this makes the next steps easier. Each day, I take a step forward toward letting go of alcohol with my addiction screaming in my ear "What are you doing??" Every step to this appointment has been a chore, but I keep pushing past it. My goal is to go back tomorrow and get the tests done. I told myself, "Whatever it takes."
I have to repeat that in my head a thousand times a day. "Whatever it takes."
I have to go back. I have to get the tests.
It sounds so easy. And I know why it's difficult. I've read books and stories and watched shows and movies and documentaries and been to meetings and heard this same thing over and over. But I can't stop thinking it: WHY IS THIS SO HARD.
This time, before my appointment (same facility), I was taken back by a very friendly nurse whose demeanor immediately put me at ease, thankfully. I'd been suffering through an anxiety attack from the moment I got off work, got in my car, drove to the hospital, and sat in the waiting area. "Oh, God. What am I doing? Am I really going? I'm going. I should have had a beer first. There was that pub right there on the corner! I'm already here, though. I wonder if I could just leave for a sec, it's RIGHT THERE. It's 3:35. Appointment at 4. Totally enough time." First time in nearly three weeks I haven't had my first beer between 3:45 and 4:00. I was shaky and sweating through the armpits of my shirt. I know my shoes smelled. I have a habit of not wearing socks anyway which just made it worse. I do not remember feeling like this the last time I came in for evaluation.
Anyway, the nurse took me back into an exam room. Cramped, upright exam table, drawers labeled with stickers that read, "beathalizer tubes" instead of "bandaids" or "gauze."
I was confused. "What am I doing in here?" I thought, "Where's the cooshy couch and the diplomas and quiet questions and soft light?"
I went through the same screening questions: When was the last time you drank? How many? What was it? Let's check your BP and temperature, yadda yadda. All that done, the nurse pulls out this little gun-looking thing with a tube on it. "So, you'll need to breathe into this until it clicks, hun. Okay, ready?"
I have never, ever, come to a situation where I was breathalized. Ever. It was a shock to me. I blew into the tube for what felt like an agonizingly long time. The little gun clicked. The meter read out 0.00. My confusion ovewhelmed my relief. "I don't drink during the day - why are they breathalizing me??" I was taken back to the waiting room after that. I tried to read a book. I created a cocoon around myself. I looked at no one. I made as little movement as possible. I coughed and cleared my throat, crossed and un-crossed my legs to hide the random twitches of my body as my anxiety attack reinvigorated itself.
A little while later, I was taken back to see the counselor.
Him: "How can I help you?"
Me: "I want to stop drinking, and I can't do it by myself."
After a little questioning about my habits and bodily functions (embarrassment I can't even begin to describe), he gave me my treatment options. All meds. No rehab for me - evidently I'm not so advanced in my addiction that I'll need it (yay?). He cleared me to detox at home, with supervision (problem now comes with finding someone to supervise. Aaaand I suddenly feel like a kid sick at home with the flu). It made me wonder how much one has to drink to be recommended to in-patient treatment. I felt I'm a pretty heavy drinker. I'm now terrified of thinking what one has to be consuming on the daily for the doc to say, "Yeah, you should go to rehab." How deteriorated must one's psyche and life be? It was a moment of intense perspective for me there.
He prescribed me with meds to aid in the withdrawal symptoms of detox, and prescribed meds to inhibit the cravings. He said to come back for Antabuse if I felt I needed it. Who am I, right now, to know what I feel I need? I rejected that option. "What if I slip??" The thought should have been, "Sure! I need to do all I can do not to slip!" Go. Me.
I was expecting (maybe even hoping for) more. Not just this in and out: Get this B vitamin injection. Get these blood tests run. Go to AA after detox. So very cut and dry. Maybe it IS that simple and my mind is complicating all of it. I don't know.
All I know is, I'm scared. I walked into the lab with the intention to give vials of blood for tests (liver function, WBC, nutrients, etc.), and I turned on a heel and walked the heck back out, anxiety attack in full swing. Nevermind the (huge) fear of needles. That's moot.
It's the fear of going through it all. Through the needles poking, through the results in my email, through detox, through re-evaluating my life, through giving up certain friends, though addressing feelings I've squashed for three years with alcohol, through feeling less exciting, less social and less friendly. Through all of it. Mostly the feelings part. If I feel uncomfortable, I avoid and isolate. And drink.
BUT. That's what got me to where I am NOW. I know the other side can be blissful, but I know the other side will be hard. I know I need to work for it - Nothing worth having is easy! And at that moment in the lab, I froze, and I chose isolation over healing. I know better than that now, but I feel like drinking has a chokehold on my mind. I kicked myself the whole ride home. I could have turned around and gone back, and I didn't.
Recognizing this makes the next steps easier. Each day, I take a step forward toward letting go of alcohol with my addiction screaming in my ear "What are you doing??" Every step to this appointment has been a chore, but I keep pushing past it. My goal is to go back tomorrow and get the tests done. I told myself, "Whatever it takes."
I have to repeat that in my head a thousand times a day. "Whatever it takes."
I have to go back. I have to get the tests.
It sounds so easy. And I know why it's difficult. I've read books and stories and watched shows and movies and documentaries and been to meetings and heard this same thing over and over. But I can't stop thinking it: WHY IS THIS SO HARD.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry everything was so overwhelming and stressful.
I hope you'll decide to go back tho - I'm sure they get their fair share of walkouts.
I think it's important to face our fears. If we want change, we need to change.
It would be great if we could just not drink and be done with it, but of course that's not the whole story - it needn't be complicated, but it is harder than that I think - and that's why supports so important....
Do you have anyone who might be prepared to go with you next time? It might help?
D
I hope you'll decide to go back tho - I'm sure they get their fair share of walkouts.
I think it's important to face our fears. If we want change, we need to change.
It would be great if we could just not drink and be done with it, but of course that's not the whole story - it needn't be complicated, but it is harder than that I think - and that's why supports so important....
Do you have anyone who might be prepared to go with you next time? It might help?
D
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Hi rosecity. By not drinking you are depriving your body of a chemical substance that it has grown accustomed to having or more accurate, needing to maintain equilibrium. Your body is crying out for alcohol to get that equilibrium back. However your body will adjust to a new equilibrium without alcohol, but it will take some time. 
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by rosecity2012 
It sounds so easy. And I know why it's difficult. I've read books and stories and watched shows and movies and documentaries and been to meetings and heard this same thing over and over. But I can't stop thinking it: WHY IS THIS SO HARD?
AA's a program of action.......not one of thinking. If we could have thought ourselves sober, we would have and AA wouldn't exist. Maybe the reason it's so hard is that, as you described, you've tried it from an intellectual standpoint and found that solution lacking. Maybe it's time to approach it from a completely different angle.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Portland Area Intergroup > Home
Are you really ready to stay stopped? Willing to work the steps (go to any lengths to stay stopped?)?
Glad you went to that appointment. I'd wait a little while to have those other tests, but if you are anxious, call and make another appointment. Yes, we are complicated people who like to complicate things! Breathe.
Take care of you and get to a meeting!
Love & hugs,
Are you really ready to stay stopped? Willing to work the steps (go to any lengths to stay stopped?)?
Glad you went to that appointment. I'd wait a little while to have those other tests, but if you are anxious, call and make another appointment. Yes, we are complicated people who like to complicate things! Breathe.
Take care of you and get to a meeting!
Love & hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 55
It is hard, it just is. I can't count how many times I hear that in my thoughts, "This is too hard!" But, it passes and I'm still sober.
It seems like you really wanted a referral for inpatient detox or rehab. If you still think you'll benefit from it, and need a referral (for insurance reasons), you could potentially seek a second opinion.
We have to advocate for ourselves when it comes to how we want to be treated medically! If you weren't satisfied with your level of care, I hope you'll seek out additional treatment. I would!
I'm sorry for all you're going through, but I have to say- your post was an amazing read and very well written! I hope you stay and keep writing. I look forward to reading more from you. Hang in there! <3 <3 <3
It seems like you really wanted a referral for inpatient detox or rehab. If you still think you'll benefit from it, and need a referral (for insurance reasons), you could potentially seek a second opinion.
We have to advocate for ourselves when it comes to how we want to be treated medically! If you weren't satisfied with your level of care, I hope you'll seek out additional treatment. I would!
I'm sorry for all you're going through, but I have to say- your post was an amazing read and very well written! I hope you stay and keep writing. I look forward to reading more from you. Hang in there! <3 <3 <3
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