Happier

Some of you may have figured out by now that I am a planner. To be honest, I am a little anxious about this weekend and have been thinking about it a lot.

My wife's cousin is coming over with her husband this Thursday night and staying for a long weekend. (Sunday the 26th will be my 1 month point.) I have spent years drinking with this couple. They are family and we enjoy them but most of our activities have been focused on drinking. My wife is really the only one that only has two or three while the rest of us would typically drink too much going from one fun thing to another (golf, concerts, boating, bbq, etc).

This couple has been around during my prior "bouts of sobriety". I do not expect them to be supportive. Instead I'm trying to prepare for the many questions and the basic attitude of "Come on! You are trying this again? Why? Let's just loosen up and have a good time like we used to!"

This is my wife's family so I need to figure out how to make this work in a way that is enjoyable for all. I won't drink. However, I don't want to be the party-pooper either. Let me repeat...I won't drink. Not even concerned about that. Just looking for ideas about how to make this go smoothly, try to help everyone have fun, and basically maintain these relationships in a good and healthy manner. One of my biggest hurdles is that I just really don't enjoy being around drinking anymore. Just isn't fun so how am I going to be a fun person to be around and a good host?
Any suggestions?

(sorry for the long ramble. thanks for reading if you made it this far. I think it helps me to think and type this out)

FenwayFaithful

I would just be firm about it.

Just say you are no longer drinking, you're serious about it and you don't really ant to discuss it again.

You don't have to be rude, just be firm. If they try and start on you about how you've done this before, and to loosen up etc just drop the subject quickly and make it clear you're not changing your mind.

They are adults. Hopefully they will be understanding.

There will always be people functions reasons etc for you to drink..personally I've having a really tough time being around people whose only idea of fun is drinking, it makes it nearly impossible for me to stay sober when I'm with them...

It might be better to start to spend more of your time with sober people or at least people who are supportive of your sobriety.

michelle01

When I stopped drinking, it really had to be the first priority - coming before pleasing other people. The latter was a habit nearly as difficult to break as the first. But in the end it's a win-win situation for all involved, it is not being selfish.

I found it difficult to be around other drinkers in early sobriety, it's not as difficult now but I'm still mindful of what can happen.

Live2Run25

I agree with Fenway..be sure to be firm. It's no concern of theirs whether you drink or not. Best of luck to you

Hope4Life

This would be very tough for me. I dont lie to anyone but I might be tempted to tell them a little 'white' lie in order to deflect their reaction.......How about:
"I had some blood work done and my Dr says that I am allergic to alcohol" or
"I've been having stomach issues, so I'm drinking lots of water".

It sounds like you guys do active things together. You might try changing up the routine and suggest some other activities (that dont involve drinking but dont tell them that.....). How about a movie or Minature Golf. Would they go for a hike? Pick a waterfall or view to hike to and have lunch there..... How about a zip line?

I believe you should put some kind of plan in place so that you have an 'out' if you are tempted.

And remember... we are here.

Good Luck!

doggonecarl

Why do you think it's your responsibility to help everyone have fun? This is your wife's family. Let her see to their fun, be the good host.

You responsibility is to see to your recovery. If that mean removing yourself from drinking situations, you do that. This is a cousin. You aren't going to ruin the relationship by making yourself scarce and making your sobriety your number one priority.

Anna

I kind of get what Carl is saying. If I were you, I would definitely back off, big time. Allow your wife to be the host and of course, you can participate, but don't take on the responsibility for everyone having a good time. Having boundaries is so important to be able to recover.

I don't think you should lie, but I hope you know that you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you're drinking or not.

least

If they ask you to drink just say "no thanks" and repeat if necessary, as if you don't know any other words.

Mark75

My wife's family and I, her brothers and sisters... ah, we go way back, we are practically siblings ourselves. I will still get together with them sans my wife and do stuff.

The things we used to do, OMG... Weekend long parties, camping, kegs, music, volleyball, all that.

We had our big annual Christmas party when I was 3 months sober and it sucked, miserable... I felt so freaking sorry for myself... I made up errands and left the house and went to Kmart... seriously, LOL.

Now it's fine... And I do try to play the good host... It gives me purpose, a reason to be there... We are all older and they don't drink like they used too, but they still like a good party... I help them have it...

But I was useless early on.

Do what you need to do to get recovered and to stay the course... There will be more parties down the road, and you'll be fine.

choublak

And your wife enjoys their company?

Happier

Yes, she enjoyes their company. We both do. The way I see it is that I am the one that changed. Nobody else. I am the reason that it now makes me uncomfortable. I am the one that has decided to not drink. I am the one that needs to figure out how to do this without ruining it for everyone else.

I get what some of you say about letting my wife take the lead since it is her family. However, we've been together for 18 years and I am serious about the whole "becoming one" thing. I am not comfortable sitting back and letting her do all the work and then having her wonder why I am not fully engaged. Maybe this isn't putting me and my sobritety first but I am comfortable with it. As I said, drinking doens't worry me. Being a fun, pleasant, fully-engaged member of this important friends and family relationship does now that I don't drink.

Thanks for all the input. I will re-read it and consider all of it many times between now and then. At this point, I think Mark75 is pretty much right on target. I'll do my best this time learning as I go and knowing it will get easier and better.

Thanks again. I'm keeping an open mind so don't be shy about bringing up other opinions and points of view.

Happier

Well, I guess I made it. Certainly did not drink althought there was plenty of that being done by our guests pretty much each day anytime after 12:00 noon. Brother in-law even stopped by to partake. I didn't know it but this was apparently supposed to be some sort of "guys" weekend in addition to my wife being able to catch up with her cousin. I skipped the "guys" activities that were obviously focused only on drinking.
I did golf 18 holes with them but otherwise just tried to help with the host activites, meals, etc that were done at our place.

To be honest, the whole weekend was pretty depressing. I learned that one of the "guys" events I skipped included a pushing/wrestling incident that got right to the point of an all out fight with a couple of the guys that are normally good friends. Unfortunately they also drank too much even during the golf that I did with them and arguments about "friendly" wagers caused hard feelings. It just makes it so obvious to me how alcohol can screw up everything! Made me realize that these friendly golf wagers that we've been doing for years aren't a good idea either. I am done with those too now.

Made me sad to hear about the "guys" going to a bar, staying up all night, and getting into the pre-fight antics. Made me sad to hear my wife's cousin talking about how she has regularly been waking up soaked in sweat each moring at 4:00am. Made me sad to hear my brother in-law talk about how his panic attacks and anxiety are getting worse. Made me sad that they are guessing at other explanations for these things and it doesn't seem to dawn on them that they are almost surely due to their excessive drinking. Made me sad also because I cold see that my wife was upset by all these events as well. (She dersereves better.)
So many drinking related things that just made me sad!

I guess my lack of involvement in the drinking events made me less entertaining. The cousin and husband left after dinner tonight to go stay at the brother in-laws house. This was a night earlier than planned. It was cordial but awkward. Just wanted more drinking and late night activities I guess. Sorry I couldn't make things more fun for them but NOT sorry that I no longer drink.

Can't say that I enjoyed the weekend but I did my best and I was glad to not be contributing to the problems by drinking. I learned a lot and seeing all this from a sober perspective has only strengthened my resolve! So thankful to be sober.

Hey, tomorrow is my 1 month sober celebration! I am really thankful and looking forward to it.

Sorry for the long post. This seems to be turning into a blog more than a thread. Just wanted to provide and update and thank everyone for their support and help.

Dee74

I found a lot of my old friends found me a lot less fun too...but a lot of them have come back since telling me I had the right idea.

I also made a lot of new friends and reconnected with a lot of others

Congratulations on your month Happier

D

Happier

Thanks Dee. I hope you are right. Every part of me wants so much to figure out how to help my friends and family with what is an obvious drinking issue. I don't know how to do that and am really hesitant to breach the subject unless they ask or initiate it. Obviously have to keep working on myself right now anyway. Just trying to "live it" in hopes that I can be some sort of appealing example someday. Not sure I'm very good at that yet but I'll keep practicing! : )

NoFireWater

Happier, it is really hard to refrain from trying to help someone else who is struggling when you're seeing so clearly from a sober viewpoint. I'm trying to just work on my own issues, but I see friends who are wearing blinders and it's hard to ignore. I figure they know they have a problem and will deal when they're ready. We'll be there to help when they are...

Sorry it wasn't a great weekend with all the drama and drinking related issues. Glad you were able to stand your ground and resist-that must have felt really good. Congrats on a month too!

SlimSlim

Thanks for the follow up.

Congrats on 1 month.

Dee74

I think you're best to focus on yourself and your own journey for now, Happier.- it's really more than enough to ask of anyone.

Maybe later, down the track, you can be of assistance to others if they wish it - but I think it's really important to get our act together first - I really believe we need to help ourselves before we can help others.

I've seen a lot of well meaning people go down by trying to help someone else blindly or too soon.

D