Pigtails

I had told a friend I would go to Vegas with her in September for her 30th birthday but now I think that's a horrible idea. She drinks a lot and when I'm with her I drink even more than usual. I have been sober for 11 days and I don't want to ruin it. But it's her birthday, how can I get out of it??

suki44883

Honesty is always the best policy. Just tell her the truth. Do it soon so she can either change her plans or find someone else to go with her. Your sobriety is the most important thing and if she is a true friend, she will agree with that.

Anna

If you're comfortable telling her that you stopped drinking, then that's probably the best thing to do. And, explain that it would be a bad idea for you to go to Vegas.

freshstart57

I know you want to be with your bff on her birthday, and Vegas is out, so make another suggestion for something else you two can do. If she is set on being there on her bd, then let her go, and still make plans to celebrate her day some other place and some other time.

When you tell her, you can make it about her by telling her that you want her to feel comfortable and able to let loose if she wants to, and wouldn't want to crimp her style if she has her mind set on a hangover. I think you can handle this situation just fine, PT.

Itchy

I am with Suki and Anna.
Were you sober when you promised? If she is a heavy drinker, and you want to stay sober, you answered yourself.

Pigtails

No, she is a drinking buddy and someone I have been friends with for the last 8 years but for periods of time I distance myself from her or try to cut her out of my life completely, because she has a lot of drama and trouble wherever she goes. Even when I was heavily drinking and before I had even started thinking about stopping, I cut ties with her because she of ridiculous drama, her being unnecessarily mean to my other friends, and me, her borrowing money from me to pay off the trouble she got herself into, and not paying me back.

But then when she is down and out she comes back with sad sob stories and I always feel like I want to help her. She has a lot of emotional issues and a bad upbringing/past but somehow she obtained a degree and a good career. She is one of those people who will go all out to help you or be there for you (even pushy about it, when no one is asking her to do these things) but then later she will hold this fact over your head and use it to guilt-trip you into "being there for her" and "helping her" but nothing is ever enough because she creates drama for herself and doesn't listen to reason or common sense.

During my longest-lasting stint of sobriety she got into some legal trouble and was forced to go to AA so I told her honestly that I sometimes went and invited her to my group. (At this time she knew I wasn't drinking but she hadn't known I went to AA before then). She was not at a place to get sober and I don't know if she ever will be, she said she wants to just learn to control/moderate her drinking and she only went to one AA meeting with me and then stopped going when the legal problem no longer required her to. So I thought I was helping her but instead I let myself get dragged down with her, because as soon as I started drinking again she was delighted and wanted me to do all these crazy things with her, including renting a party bus to go bar-hopping with friends on her birthday and go to Vegas with my boyfriend and her guy friend before her birthday, all while she is on probation and could go to jail for drinking. I felt really uncomfortable with the whole thing and advised her not to drink while on probation but she said she got it cleared with her P.O. to go out of state on a certain weekend for her birthday (but to a different state than Nevada, and then she changed the weekend so I don't know how "approved" it really is, certainly the drinking is not approved and so I have been feeling uncomfortable having any part in it because I don't want to support her in potentially making her legal problems worse, and now that I'm not drinking again I have my own reasons for not wanting to go.)

I don't even know why I told her I would go as I didn't even like the idea when I was drinking, but her plans were up in the air and constantly changing based on what her guy friend wanted to do and whether her other friends could afford to come, so I was hoping it wouldn't really turn out, I didn't want to offend her on her big birthday, and I have a hard time saying no to people. But honestly I think she is not good for my sobriety and I should just not be friends with her at all. I know this sounds horrible but I don't see how it could work out and I feel like I need a long break from her at least.

WHEW that was a lot of typing, sorry, I guess I am just really unsure what to do about this friend and how to go about it.

Pigtails

I guess I could just tell her, I'm sorry but I cannot go to Vegas or on the party bus here in town with you for your birthday, because I am not drinking again, and this time I really want it to work out, and doing those things would jeopardize my efforts. I would love to take you to lunch or dinner for your birthday instead.

I don't know how to deal with these things because part of me says I should just not be her friend again ever because of our past history but part of me says I just need to be strong and enforce good boundaries and not have to cut her out completely.

Pigtails

I'm having a hard time with friends in general. All of my friends drink but to differing levels. In the past I greatly distanced myself from or cut out the ones that were obviously big drinking buddies and where our relationships pretty much revolved around alcohol, but there were some that I stayed friends with even though they would go out and drink and I would try to hang out with them sober. To be honest that didn't usually work for me, I felt frustrated, annoyed, bored, to be the only sober person in a group of drinking people. Some of it was that they drank too much and made me uncomfortable and some of it was that I myself was uncomfortable because I wanted to drink but knew I shouldn't/couldn't.

During my foray back into drinking I of course drank with them when we went out and now I am back at the awkward place of telling them well I'm not drinking. Yesterday I was invited out to go dancing with a friend and I told her I'm trying to take things easy due to my grandmother dying etc. and having to get a lot of work done before I left town for the funeral. She said she would let me know when they were going out and hopefully I would still be awake, and I said okay. She didn't let me know and I was grateful because I didn't want to come up with excuses not to go out. But then this morning she texted me that she's sorry she didn't let me know when they were going out but it wasn't until 11:30 and she figured I was in bed. Then I felt like the "grandma" of the group and it's weird b/c on the one hand I'm fine now with not going out, I want to have peace and quiet and be productive etc., but then when it's pointed out to me (even by my own self) that I'm different or "old" I feel this identity crises, since I've been the life of the party. So I give people inconsistent signals all the time and never stay true to what I truly want, which is just to be sober and sane.

tomsteve

this souds like a good way to say it. keep it about you. make it about her and, if she is anything like i was, will try really hard to manipulate you into thinking it wouldnt be a problem, then try and get ya to drink while you are there.

you really dont have to cut her out, but it would be wise to set boundaries and keep sobriety 1st.
learning how to handle these types of situations takes practice and courage courage to put yerself and your sobriety 1st.


yer doin good pigtails! keep it up!

tomsteve

" but then when it's pointed out to me (even by my own self) that I'm different or "old" I feel this identity crises, since I've been the life of the party."

could it be that the "different" feeling that you start thinking more sane and rational and that thinking doesnt feel normal?

Pigtails

Yeah I guess that could be it.

Thanks for the help tomsteve.

Auvers

If you are serious about sobriety, your work to establish and maintain sobriety is number one. Flex the strength of your resolve and let this woman know a trip like this is not good for you. If things seem way too complicated when you are looking for an answer, cut to the core: your sobriety.

tomsteve

and you know that that sane thinking is normal, right? if so, give it T.I.M.E. it will become more of a working part of your life.

and my prayers to you and your family.

NoFireWater

Pigtails, I'm struggling with the same issues re roles and inconsistent signals. Even though I want to quit the party, I still want to be part of the group. On one hand, I don't even want to be out and like you, enjoy the peace and calm, but if I only stay home I feel old and boring. I was the one to organize the parties, get the decorations, plan fun things. I miss that. I send myself mixed messages all day long

I think it's wise you're thinking of setting strong boundaries with this friend. I've been around people like that, and they do a lot of manipulating. You don't need that temptation in Vegas of all places, where it's already an AV's dream. My guess is she will be bummed out you're not going to go, but will find someone to go and be "wild" with her and be just fine. It wouldn't surprise me if the friendship cooled over time anyway, if you're not drinking you won't be meeting her needs and she may find someone else to do the crazy stuff with. Just try to do whatever works best for you right now and be honest with her. A real friend will support you and understand why a celebration like that would be hard for you

LosingmyMisery

Honestly, I think a true, caring friend would understand and support your decision to stop drinking.

Pigtails

I can certainly relate to the bolded part. I've been creating ways (in my head, for now), to still be social and have fun without drinking. I want to reach out to friends I have who don't drink or don't drink much, to get together and do things without drinking. I want to make new friends who share similar non-drinking interests, and hang out with them. I want to organize "board game nights" and dinners at my house and invite friends over for that, although this gets tricky because most of the people I could think of to invite would at least expect there to be beer or wine available and/or bring their own out of an attempt to be gracious. So I will either have to be at a point where I can ignore the drinks and have my own non-alcoholic ones, or be firm and let people know that I'm not drinking, that these are alcohol-free events and that I would appreciate it if they do not bring alcohol.

I haven't had time to do any of the above due to my life being so crazy. I am hoping to start up these friendship-related goals as well as some physical fitness and nutrition goals when I get back from my grandmother's funeral next week. In the meantime I can put into practice another goal: to be friends with my family members- to keep in touch with them more often and see how I can be helpful to them etc.

I like your (and everyone else's advice) about my friend. I know she will flip out and act so dramatic and hurt that I'm not celebrating her birthday with her the way she wants (and to be fair, the way that I had said I would). But she will have to understand that my own needs need to be more important to me right now, and if she can't, then I guess the friendship will be over, which honestly might be the best thing for me anyway.

positivelady67

Hi Pigtails

I am 5 months sober and I have to say my friends have been amazing. I had a holiday planned prior to giving up, with a close friend and I had to tell her that if she was going to drink she could not come with me. I just explained to her that I appreciated that she would want to drink as it was her holiday to but it would jepadise my recovery and that I felt that I would not cope. She then said fine she would not drink and she was fine with it. I think with your trip to Vegas its unrealistic to expect her not to drink so I would be honest with her and just tell her how its making you feel. Its best not to say I can't go as you will be drinking all the time as some people hate to be critised so I would tell her how going will make you feel and that your sobriety has to come first.

As to the getting together with friends for dinner and not having alcohol, if my friends or family come to my place they do not bring booze its a non negociable rule. Its my home and my decision. I feel that if they can't manage a few hours without a drink then maybe they need to look at themselves.

Good Luck.

Pigtails

Thank you so much for all the help and practical suggestions. I just need to get stronger at setting boundaries, saying no, making myself a priority and doing what I want/need to do (and not doing what I don't want/need to do), and not caring so much about how it makes everyone else feel. I've never been good at that but I'm realizing I have to work at that in order to ensure continued sobriety. Last time I went along with what everyone else wanted me to do until I couldn't handle it anymore and I cracked. I thought, "it's not fair, I have to be around them drinking all the time, why can't I have one too??" instead of, "I shouldn't be around people drinking right now, because I need to protect my sobriety and my needs have to come first."

It's funny, I would complain to my sister (who is also my best friend!) about how I would feel when other people drank around me, and she would sound totally supportive in response. But then when we were together (we live 2,000 miles apart but see each other relatively often), she would drink and front of me and say "I feel bad, I should be supporting your sobriety..." and I would say "Oh no, it's fine, go ahead," when really if I had said what I was feeling, it would have been more like, "That would be really great of you to do, it would really help me and I would really appreciate it!"

It's funny how you said they might have to look at their drinking... I think not drinking around people who are drinking does make them look at their drinking whether it is our intent or not. My boyfriend's brother would always bug me to drink and admit that it was because he doesn't like hanging out with people who don't drink. He would also say it's all about moderation, and I just need to learn how to "control myself" while drinking. When I said, no thanks, I drink to get drunk, not to just have a couple, he would respond, "well yeah, isn't that the POINT of drinking?!" So his reasoning makes no sense and I am just learning to not care what he says or implies about me not drinking, as it is most likely just a reflection on him and where he's at right now.

Likewise every time I would send a text to my sister saying "10 days sober!!!" or "Still not drinking!" or something to that effect, she would say, "Good job. I'm currently indulging in a glass of wine while watching TV," or, "I went out and got trashed last night." I would be like, REALLY?!?!?!?!? Why does she have to let me know she's drinking when I'm not-- thinking along the lines of, oh poor me, I can't drink but she can! But then when I was on a diet and exercise kick, I told her that I had made healthy food and went to the gym, yay me , and she responded similarly to the alcohol stuff -- "Good for you, however I'm sitting on my butt eating a big bowl of ice cream." Because it removed the "alcohol element" from the equation, I saw a readily apparent pattern: my own actions force her to take a look at her own actions, and she subconsciously responds to my attempts to better myself by pointing out that she is not doing that -- so it is more about her than me, and I should ignore it. I am trying really really hard this time to make my recovery about myself and not care or pay attention to what other people say or do. That is hard for me but I'm taking baby steps.

Thanks again for the help!

Auvers

Pigtails, your assessment of the stuff with your family and friends seems on target to me. I am finding that people who do not have a problem with alcohol themselves are not interested particularly in whether I am having a drink or not. It seems to be the people who could have an issue with alcohol who try to encourage a drink or undermine efforts.

tomsteve

there are many organizations out there that would gladly accept the help from people to help organize events, and the focus of the events doesnt center around alcohol.