This post is a long one which I hope inspires someone somewhere.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 42
This post is a long one which I hope inspires someone somewhere.
So how does a confused, distant, angry and hurt young adult learn to become a forgiving, understanding, articulate, creative, determined and loving young man?
The tool box that I was given as a child to build a solid future was limited at best.
Looking back my weakness was trying to fit in, however acceptance is far superior and will allow your soul to be free. *This is probably one of the biggest lessons I have learnt in life.
My father was Asian, I was 8 when he died. Mum 100% Scottish. They owned some shops in the area which I lived. You can imagine how difficult that could be for a young chap in a small minded community.
Brain tumour I watched him die for 4 years before he finally left. Car crash banged his head several years later the tumour came. I will never forget the red eyes when time became limited. That haunted me he ended up in a wheelchair then finally he made his peace with God. I think about him to this day. The problem was this great mystery that surrounded him.
A story that blew me away after 33 years, slowly putting together a puzzle to finally understand.
My father’s name was taboo in my home, to talk with love and passion upset my mother?
Why was that? I needed to know? Someone? (anyone?), does anyone know why when looking for a photo the only 1 in the house had the face scratched or rubbed out?
I suppose I was not ready to stop fighting for the truth and it came only 2 months ago, by complete accident through my beautiful cousin. To be honest, it should have been discussed in a normal loving, caring family way. The problem lay with the fact that everyone thought they were doing it to protect but for me it was completely self-destructive. My family do love me and they do care although I had to actually witness how a family should behave to know that my family were not that way inclined.
I promise I will explain everything in depth so you know where I am. Keep in mind that now I have managed to confront, search and ask for the truth to overcome the demons that had taken so much away from me.
The funeral was what changed the dynamics of my childhood. I felt segregated, I wondered if it was because I was not a Muslim that I was stuck in a room with only the women and the awful wail of pain. I went to the coffin and my hand slowly went to touch my father I guess it was to say goodbye. Suddenly my hand was grabbed and moved from my father “don’t touch”.
Complete rage from that minute on. I held that rage for years that question still in my mind?
Right then at the age of 8 I decided to turn my back on my father’s side of the family. I didn’t understand them and they had no idea who I was.
That was a fatal mistake.
How does a person love themselves if they have never been shown love?
A young boy left alone in a terrifying new world.
Some small minded idiots still choose to abuse people like this for the colour of their skin or where they lived previously or if they are gay!! To them I say grow up, look inside yourself because that hatred will eventually kill you. I do pity there ignorance.
I decided the best way to overcome this crazy anxiety was to escape and escape I did for years running away from my problems. I choose to rebel against the world, consume copious amounts of alcohol and drugs. Find the social outcasts, they would protect me right. They were the scariest boys I knew. No one would contemplate messing around with these unhinged youths. 8 years old and I am following a group of emotionally wreaked and a very dangerous young pack. Of course they took me under their wing. Looking back they knew what damage they were doing.
I suppose through excessive parties, bars, clubs and pubs the alcohol and drugs finally had taken control. I was dependant my body knew nothing else. I choose not to drink these days and I take no drugs. I am happy because I am in control. I will come back to this.
I changed, I had no idea who I was or what I was capable of doing.
Why did it take me so long to find peace?
“You’re the same as your father” was the kind words from a disconcerted mother. I genuinely feel deep remorse for the amount of pain and suffering that I caused the people that loved me.
“He could not stop drinking to” Later I found out he used to get himself in a terrible state of disrepair that’s how he ended up crashing the car.
My uncle saved my life. My father’s brother throughout the years of inconsistent calls possibly every two years or so kept a glimmer of hope in the relationship. He was always going to be there for me, (Unconditional) what a beautiful word. I had finally hit a massive wall. I lost both grandparents former relationships had broken down and I was overwhelmingly unhappy to the point that I genuinely did not care if I lived or died. Until that moment when I knew that I was ready to accept my soul again. It was not that long ago he snatched me from complete despair whisked me off to Reigate and it was there I saw how a family should be. They chatted and laughed whilst I shook. The fed me and cared from me as if I never left them. No inhibitions, no derogatory remarks just love and respect. The children who I had met once too long ago to remember were excited and talkative. Inside I was a wreak although watching how the interacted resonated within me. A child of 8 so intelligent, a young lady of 15 doing the whole teenage stuff, (brilliant) and a lonely 18 year old boy who was still burdening pain for a grandmother lost. I didn’t tell my uncle how extensive my consumption was that came when the weeks passed.
I need to note that on a personal level I was truly terrified that I was going anywhere near the Asian side of the family. I had built up an air of resentment. Truth is told it was borderline hatred. There were times as the days went past, maybe we were bowling that I looked around at the small minded eyes looking the family up and down. I could see the hatred within their soul. “I don’t belong here”, was the initial thought. I looked around at my family and if they saw they choose not to see the rose above the demeaning glances and finally acceptance came. I was Asian; half of my whole family were religious, honest and good people who found comfort in living spiritually by Allah’s rules.
To me Allah or being a Muslim was never going to work for me. I remember the first time my father took me to a mosque someone stole my shoes from outside. I was only 4 maybe 5 and from that moment I knew it was not for me.
I always knew there was a higher being a purpose for living but that was to come later.
I knew I had been placed in this circumstance for a reason, what was it? Curious about the religion both I and my uncles wife (who was amazing it has to be said), answered every question I could have possibly had. Where is my father buried? Why do you pray five times a day? Why do you wash before you pray? What is Ramadan? Relentless question after question answer after answer.
“Why did I have to sit in a room with all of the women crying when I was at my father’s funeral?”
You were too young in our religion you have to be over a certain age, as we feel the correct thing is to protect you.
“Why was I not allowed to touch the body”?
Only three people who are fully washed can dress the body these are the only three people that have permission to do so. They have been blessed with a sacred prayer which allows them to do so. As the clothes may move they have the right to fix them. Your father was prepared for the afterlife in the ways of a Muslim done to the exacting standards of Allah. You could not touch him because it would have had great effect on his journey.
OH MY GOD
I sit back in awe 25 years of going completely off the rails almost hating these people who were genuinely protecting both I and my father. A weight had been lifted I had been released. I saw clearly for the first time and through my own stupidity and lack of questioning I had inadvertently tortured myself and my loving family for no reason.
No judgment had been made by these wonderful people they accepted the path which I had taken was wrong and had forgiven me for this a long time ago.
I learned a great deal whilst I was there in such a short period. Uncles wife was having a dilemma with the Hijab (head scarf) being a practicing Muslim as a female you are supposed to wear this when you are in public. Not the whole covering of the head thing she explained “not ninja” I laugh. Her dilemma was that Uncle hated her wearing it out in public. He is a trendy city boy who works as a Director of a Multi- National company. A finger on the pulse type of chap the type of chap that loves to go to sophisticated events, the type of chap that only last week went to Milan and Venice because he wanted to take some time out. Needless to say his religious side is not incredibly strong at the moment. He is no doubt an educated man and I know previously that he put his heart and soul into religion although this is not his focus. So we bonded over this head scarf and my unintelligent ways, so you walk around that big square house then? “That big square house” the look of astonishment in her eyes, although with a warm glow behind them. That would be the house of god and it’s a pilgrimage that all Muslims have to take once in their life. Might I add at a cost of around £3000 per person, (Oach).
Where am I going with this? I had finally understood there culture. I had grown to love them, not judge and found great strength through there positive words and there fantastic attitudes. I was at peace with this side of my family now. To me as I recovered and felt pain and emotions that have been unparalleled through any aspect of my life my true path came back into focus. Thank you is the words I would like to say to my family for enlightening and educating me. You have helped shape the person I am today and for that I am truly thankful.
Taking into account that I am 33, to find out now through complete fate that I have a half brother and sister. My father had been married previously. No surely not right? The phones rings “Hello mother it’s your son, can I ask you something I am not angry or upset just seeking the truth” What is it? In my mother’s native tongue, was my father married?
Silence …. ….. ….. …… …… …… “Mum”?
Who told you that? It was a slip up from one of the kids who were talking about the children’s mother. They genuinely meant no harm, no one is telling stories etc.
“Mum, I understand that you have your reasons and I know that you were doing this to protect us in the best way you knew how, does anyone of my sisters know”?
No
AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.
I must say at this point choosing to be honest and sincere in who I am today this presents quite an obstacle. I feel that my siblings have a right to know although I swore to my mother that I would keep that to myself. I don’t see the sense in this as I am sure the impact won’t be as vast as one assumes.
Mother from this moment on please do me one thing and be honest with me please.
Closure
We don’t speak about your father for fear that this terrible secret was to come out. The poor woman has been carrying this burden for 30 years. She admitted to me she is depressed and has been for 30 years. I used to confide in my mother my flaws and grievances. I now choose to help her through her journey giving her the strength and positivity she seeks. If I am truly at a low I choose not to turn in my mother’s direction. To her it could be the one thing she needs to send her falling again.
Growing up, maturing becoming responsible was not a task granted easy to me. I know there are lessons which I am yet to learn. At this point I am free, I am free to love myself and accept myself for who I am. I love all parts of myself because to not love my complete being is wrong the bad parts are part of me that make me whole two cannot be one as it creates conflict within the soul. You accept that bad parts are entwined within you and that this is human. To choose not to live in fear and to search for your higher purpose is the first step in true recovery for the soul. I do not live in the past nor do I seek refuge in the future. I live ever present in the now as it truly is the only moment that we ever have. To be in complete awareness within the present moment is to be truly free. In this moment is where you find your spiritual self and that power of being. That moment when you know that a higher being is ever present and is channelling there energy through you to the outside world is bliss. Through Love, respect and caring this world is a truly beautiful world if only you would take a moment to see.
I hope you liked my story and know that it is one of many journeys that I have had to find the person and path I am on today.
The tool box that I was given as a child to build a solid future was limited at best.
Looking back my weakness was trying to fit in, however acceptance is far superior and will allow your soul to be free. *This is probably one of the biggest lessons I have learnt in life.
My father was Asian, I was 8 when he died. Mum 100% Scottish. They owned some shops in the area which I lived. You can imagine how difficult that could be for a young chap in a small minded community.
Brain tumour I watched him die for 4 years before he finally left. Car crash banged his head several years later the tumour came. I will never forget the red eyes when time became limited. That haunted me he ended up in a wheelchair then finally he made his peace with God. I think about him to this day. The problem was this great mystery that surrounded him.
A story that blew me away after 33 years, slowly putting together a puzzle to finally understand.
My father’s name was taboo in my home, to talk with love and passion upset my mother?
Why was that? I needed to know? Someone? (anyone?), does anyone know why when looking for a photo the only 1 in the house had the face scratched or rubbed out?
I suppose I was not ready to stop fighting for the truth and it came only 2 months ago, by complete accident through my beautiful cousin. To be honest, it should have been discussed in a normal loving, caring family way. The problem lay with the fact that everyone thought they were doing it to protect but for me it was completely self-destructive. My family do love me and they do care although I had to actually witness how a family should behave to know that my family were not that way inclined.
I promise I will explain everything in depth so you know where I am. Keep in mind that now I have managed to confront, search and ask for the truth to overcome the demons that had taken so much away from me.
The funeral was what changed the dynamics of my childhood. I felt segregated, I wondered if it was because I was not a Muslim that I was stuck in a room with only the women and the awful wail of pain. I went to the coffin and my hand slowly went to touch my father I guess it was to say goodbye. Suddenly my hand was grabbed and moved from my father “don’t touch”.
Complete rage from that minute on. I held that rage for years that question still in my mind?
Right then at the age of 8 I decided to turn my back on my father’s side of the family. I didn’t understand them and they had no idea who I was.
That was a fatal mistake.
How does a person love themselves if they have never been shown love?
A young boy left alone in a terrifying new world.
Some small minded idiots still choose to abuse people like this for the colour of their skin or where they lived previously or if they are gay!! To them I say grow up, look inside yourself because that hatred will eventually kill you. I do pity there ignorance.
I decided the best way to overcome this crazy anxiety was to escape and escape I did for years running away from my problems. I choose to rebel against the world, consume copious amounts of alcohol and drugs. Find the social outcasts, they would protect me right. They were the scariest boys I knew. No one would contemplate messing around with these unhinged youths. 8 years old and I am following a group of emotionally wreaked and a very dangerous young pack. Of course they took me under their wing. Looking back they knew what damage they were doing.
I suppose through excessive parties, bars, clubs and pubs the alcohol and drugs finally had taken control. I was dependant my body knew nothing else. I choose not to drink these days and I take no drugs. I am happy because I am in control. I will come back to this.
I changed, I had no idea who I was or what I was capable of doing.
Why did it take me so long to find peace?
“You’re the same as your father” was the kind words from a disconcerted mother. I genuinely feel deep remorse for the amount of pain and suffering that I caused the people that loved me.
“He could not stop drinking to” Later I found out he used to get himself in a terrible state of disrepair that’s how he ended up crashing the car.
My uncle saved my life. My father’s brother throughout the years of inconsistent calls possibly every two years or so kept a glimmer of hope in the relationship. He was always going to be there for me, (Unconditional) what a beautiful word. I had finally hit a massive wall. I lost both grandparents former relationships had broken down and I was overwhelmingly unhappy to the point that I genuinely did not care if I lived or died. Until that moment when I knew that I was ready to accept my soul again. It was not that long ago he snatched me from complete despair whisked me off to Reigate and it was there I saw how a family should be. They chatted and laughed whilst I shook. The fed me and cared from me as if I never left them. No inhibitions, no derogatory remarks just love and respect. The children who I had met once too long ago to remember were excited and talkative. Inside I was a wreak although watching how the interacted resonated within me. A child of 8 so intelligent, a young lady of 15 doing the whole teenage stuff, (brilliant) and a lonely 18 year old boy who was still burdening pain for a grandmother lost. I didn’t tell my uncle how extensive my consumption was that came when the weeks passed.
I need to note that on a personal level I was truly terrified that I was going anywhere near the Asian side of the family. I had built up an air of resentment. Truth is told it was borderline hatred. There were times as the days went past, maybe we were bowling that I looked around at the small minded eyes looking the family up and down. I could see the hatred within their soul. “I don’t belong here”, was the initial thought. I looked around at my family and if they saw they choose not to see the rose above the demeaning glances and finally acceptance came. I was Asian; half of my whole family were religious, honest and good people who found comfort in living spiritually by Allah’s rules.
To me Allah or being a Muslim was never going to work for me. I remember the first time my father took me to a mosque someone stole my shoes from outside. I was only 4 maybe 5 and from that moment I knew it was not for me.
I always knew there was a higher being a purpose for living but that was to come later.
I knew I had been placed in this circumstance for a reason, what was it? Curious about the religion both I and my uncles wife (who was amazing it has to be said), answered every question I could have possibly had. Where is my father buried? Why do you pray five times a day? Why do you wash before you pray? What is Ramadan? Relentless question after question answer after answer.
“Why did I have to sit in a room with all of the women crying when I was at my father’s funeral?”
You were too young in our religion you have to be over a certain age, as we feel the correct thing is to protect you.
“Why was I not allowed to touch the body”?
Only three people who are fully washed can dress the body these are the only three people that have permission to do so. They have been blessed with a sacred prayer which allows them to do so. As the clothes may move they have the right to fix them. Your father was prepared for the afterlife in the ways of a Muslim done to the exacting standards of Allah. You could not touch him because it would have had great effect on his journey.
OH MY GOD
I sit back in awe 25 years of going completely off the rails almost hating these people who were genuinely protecting both I and my father. A weight had been lifted I had been released. I saw clearly for the first time and through my own stupidity and lack of questioning I had inadvertently tortured myself and my loving family for no reason.
No judgment had been made by these wonderful people they accepted the path which I had taken was wrong and had forgiven me for this a long time ago.
I learned a great deal whilst I was there in such a short period. Uncles wife was having a dilemma with the Hijab (head scarf) being a practicing Muslim as a female you are supposed to wear this when you are in public. Not the whole covering of the head thing she explained “not ninja” I laugh. Her dilemma was that Uncle hated her wearing it out in public. He is a trendy city boy who works as a Director of a Multi- National company. A finger on the pulse type of chap the type of chap that loves to go to sophisticated events, the type of chap that only last week went to Milan and Venice because he wanted to take some time out. Needless to say his religious side is not incredibly strong at the moment. He is no doubt an educated man and I know previously that he put his heart and soul into religion although this is not his focus. So we bonded over this head scarf and my unintelligent ways, so you walk around that big square house then? “That big square house” the look of astonishment in her eyes, although with a warm glow behind them. That would be the house of god and it’s a pilgrimage that all Muslims have to take once in their life. Might I add at a cost of around £3000 per person, (Oach).
Where am I going with this? I had finally understood there culture. I had grown to love them, not judge and found great strength through there positive words and there fantastic attitudes. I was at peace with this side of my family now. To me as I recovered and felt pain and emotions that have been unparalleled through any aspect of my life my true path came back into focus. Thank you is the words I would like to say to my family for enlightening and educating me. You have helped shape the person I am today and for that I am truly thankful.
Taking into account that I am 33, to find out now through complete fate that I have a half brother and sister. My father had been married previously. No surely not right? The phones rings “Hello mother it’s your son, can I ask you something I am not angry or upset just seeking the truth” What is it? In my mother’s native tongue, was my father married?
Silence …. ….. ….. …… …… …… “Mum”?
Who told you that? It was a slip up from one of the kids who were talking about the children’s mother. They genuinely meant no harm, no one is telling stories etc.
“Mum, I understand that you have your reasons and I know that you were doing this to protect us in the best way you knew how, does anyone of my sisters know”?
No
AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.
I must say at this point choosing to be honest and sincere in who I am today this presents quite an obstacle. I feel that my siblings have a right to know although I swore to my mother that I would keep that to myself. I don’t see the sense in this as I am sure the impact won’t be as vast as one assumes.
Mother from this moment on please do me one thing and be honest with me please.
Closure
We don’t speak about your father for fear that this terrible secret was to come out. The poor woman has been carrying this burden for 30 years. She admitted to me she is depressed and has been for 30 years. I used to confide in my mother my flaws and grievances. I now choose to help her through her journey giving her the strength and positivity she seeks. If I am truly at a low I choose not to turn in my mother’s direction. To her it could be the one thing she needs to send her falling again.
Growing up, maturing becoming responsible was not a task granted easy to me. I know there are lessons which I am yet to learn. At this point I am free, I am free to love myself and accept myself for who I am. I love all parts of myself because to not love my complete being is wrong the bad parts are part of me that make me whole two cannot be one as it creates conflict within the soul. You accept that bad parts are entwined within you and that this is human. To choose not to live in fear and to search for your higher purpose is the first step in true recovery for the soul. I do not live in the past nor do I seek refuge in the future. I live ever present in the now as it truly is the only moment that we ever have. To be in complete awareness within the present moment is to be truly free. In this moment is where you find your spiritual self and that power of being. That moment when you know that a higher being is ever present and is channelling there energy through you to the outside world is bliss. Through Love, respect and caring this world is a truly beautiful world if only you would take a moment to see.
I hope you liked my story and know that it is one of many journeys that I have had to find the person and path I am on today.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
