Advice on keeping my job?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
Advice on keeping my job?
I apolgize if this isn't the right place to ask about this, (and an adminstrator can please remove this if isn't), but it is very pressing for me and I'd like to know if anyone knows where I can go for advice, perhaps somone in HR...
First, I am horribly shamed by all of this and condone none of this. I have a really good job and really was stupid in risking it. I'm now trying to save it.
I just came off a horrible bender where I missed work and important assignments. I made up a lie that i'm not proud of involving family illness. My boss is not quite believing me I don't think. He is giving me a week to take care of the illness which is very nice. Then we are going to talk about his "long term plans" for me. I am hoping that is not firing. In the meantime, I am assigned to talk soon to HR about the Extended Family Leave Act. I don't know if this is a very nice gesture or an attempt to see I don't have documentation for the hopital claims I am making.
Does anyone know about the EFLA in this regard, or where I can go for the information about how completing that form may provide proof against me? Or know if I'm at risk if I admit I have a problem? Should you ever admit it to your company?
I have been very good for the company and they have also been good to me. But this has been a pattern. Nothing ever documented that I'm aware of though. That is part of why I hate the lie so much. I was just scared and stupid and drunk and lied. Now I am just trying to scramble to save my job for my family. If it was just me I wouldn't be nearly as terrified.
Does anyone know where I can get practical advie on this matter?
(By the way I am getting help for the problem and am damned determined to never put myself in this position again.) So shameful.
First, I am horribly shamed by all of this and condone none of this. I have a really good job and really was stupid in risking it. I'm now trying to save it.
I just came off a horrible bender where I missed work and important assignments. I made up a lie that i'm not proud of involving family illness. My boss is not quite believing me I don't think. He is giving me a week to take care of the illness which is very nice. Then we are going to talk about his "long term plans" for me. I am hoping that is not firing. In the meantime, I am assigned to talk soon to HR about the Extended Family Leave Act. I don't know if this is a very nice gesture or an attempt to see I don't have documentation for the hopital claims I am making.
Does anyone know about the EFLA in this regard, or where I can go for the information about how completing that form may provide proof against me? Or know if I'm at risk if I admit I have a problem? Should you ever admit it to your company?
I have been very good for the company and they have also been good to me. But this has been a pattern. Nothing ever documented that I'm aware of though. That is part of why I hate the lie so much. I was just scared and stupid and drunk and lied. Now I am just trying to scramble to save my job for my family. If it was just me I wouldn't be nearly as terrified.
Does anyone know where I can get practical advie on this matter?
(By the way I am getting help for the problem and am damned determined to never put myself in this position again.) So shameful.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I don't recall having to prove that my mom was dying when I took extended family leave. That being said, I suggest you tell HR what the real problem was, and that you would like to use your health benefits (assuming you have them) to get help with your alcohol problem.
Then quit drinking!
Then quit drinking!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Do you have a regular doctor? If so, be honest about the situation and your drinking. Doctors are accustomed to this and will fill out the papers for you. Doctors will not disclose the nature of your illness.
IMO you are better off taking advantage of the leave and getting yourself on the path to sobriety. Whether its a few weeks, or a month, this gives you time to start to address the most important things, you and your health. Discuss this with your doctor, and what treatment options are available to you, counselor referrals and a what should be a good time frame for this leave (which can always be extended up to the maximum).
You don't have to disclose the nature of you medical problems to your employer; if you take leave, when you return, simply explain that you have been aware of a medical problem, but always put other things first. Thank him for offering the leave so that you could address your medical issues.
FMLA/EFLA protect your job while you are out for medical reasons and in most states your benefits are preserved.
Here's a link to Iowa's FMLA laws: Family and Medical Leave (FMLA) | DAS-HRE
FYI, I am on FMLA right now, mainly because I cannot drive distances but now I realize I want to focus on my sobriety.
IMO you are better off taking advantage of the leave and getting yourself on the path to sobriety. Whether its a few weeks, or a month, this gives you time to start to address the most important things, you and your health. Discuss this with your doctor, and what treatment options are available to you, counselor referrals and a what should be a good time frame for this leave (which can always be extended up to the maximum).
You don't have to disclose the nature of you medical problems to your employer; if you take leave, when you return, simply explain that you have been aware of a medical problem, but always put other things first. Thank him for offering the leave so that you could address your medical issues.
FMLA/EFLA protect your job while you are out for medical reasons and in most states your benefits are preserved.
Here's a link to Iowa's FMLA laws: Family and Medical Leave (FMLA) | DAS-HRE
FYI, I am on FMLA right now, mainly because I cannot drive distances but now I realize I want to focus on my sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
Yes, I am very lucky to have benfits and am already using them for my counseling. I know they don't need to know (can't know i don't think) what that is for. I just didn't know about this fake hospital stay. As I say, I'm not proud. Just trying to figure out the smartest thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
OK.... You asked for advice, and I'll give mine, not everyone will agree, and the quality of my advice is just that it is advice given on the internet by someone who doesn't know you and is based on what I read in your post.
You offer value to the company. They like you.
You are in deep sh1t, at least it appears that way.
You have lied to them.
So.... you can't always save your face and ass at the same time. Talk to your boss. Tell him you about your demons and that you have a desire to recover from this alcoholism thing....
Chances are (s)he already suspects... Hard to hide full blown alcoholism... missed work, lots of clues... don't underestimate your employers or insult their intelligence.
Maybe get yourself into rehab, get recovered... That means, finally, being honest with the company who has trusted you and provided you with the means to live.
Good luck, seriously, prayers to you...
You offer value to the company. They like you.
You are in deep sh1t, at least it appears that way.
You have lied to them.
So.... you can't always save your face and ass at the same time. Talk to your boss. Tell him you about your demons and that you have a desire to recover from this alcoholism thing....
Chances are (s)he already suspects... Hard to hide full blown alcoholism... missed work, lots of clues... don't underestimate your employers or insult their intelligence.
Maybe get yourself into rehab, get recovered... That means, finally, being honest with the company who has trusted you and provided you with the means to live.
Good luck, seriously, prayers to you...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Some professional guidance from the web:
Talking to Your Boss About Your Alcohol Abuse - WSJ.com
I was concerned about my alcohol consumption, and now I am forced into treatment. What do I do?
IMO, there is too much risk in full disclosure of the nature of you medical problem.
Talking to Your Boss About Your Alcohol Abuse - WSJ.com
I was concerned about my alcohol consumption, and now I am forced into treatment. What do I do?
IMO, there is too much risk in full disclosure of the nature of you medical problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
Like Mark said, it sounds like the boss may suspect something. The signs are there. On the other hand, we're alcoholics and that usually means we're paranoid because we LIE. I know that has been the case with me. Always looking over my shoulder, always wondering why my boss looked at me the way he did, always wondering why that co-worker had that funny smile on her face... Ugh.
Regardless, it sounds like the time has come to face the music. I've been there and damn is it HARD. But if your company and your boss are as good as you say, you'll be more than pleasantly surprised IF you're honest with them. Don't wait until the end of the week either. It is the perfect time to seek treatment b/c you've got nothing much to lose. Does your spouse/family know this happened?
That being said, be careful with how protected you think your are under FMLA. I thought that nobody, including HR, would need to know the exact nature of my illness but that was not the case, at least in Illinois. The paperwork I had to get from a doctor was pretty specific and there was no way of hiding the nature of my treatment. However, HR is required by law to keep this information confidential, sharing it only with individuals who need to know in order to process paperwork. So basically, nobody else within your company. Now, if your company is really large, that's no problem. My company has 100 people and our HR person has a big mouth. So of course she told my boss anyway (and god knows who else). I knew she would. But I also know that my boss is an outstanding person and would never use the information to hurt or discredit me so I didn't let it bother me too much.
Regardless, it sounds like the time has come to face the music. I've been there and damn is it HARD. But if your company and your boss are as good as you say, you'll be more than pleasantly surprised IF you're honest with them. Don't wait until the end of the week either. It is the perfect time to seek treatment b/c you've got nothing much to lose. Does your spouse/family know this happened?
That being said, be careful with how protected you think your are under FMLA. I thought that nobody, including HR, would need to know the exact nature of my illness but that was not the case, at least in Illinois. The paperwork I had to get from a doctor was pretty specific and there was no way of hiding the nature of my treatment. However, HR is required by law to keep this information confidential, sharing it only with individuals who need to know in order to process paperwork. So basically, nobody else within your company. Now, if your company is really large, that's no problem. My company has 100 people and our HR person has a big mouth. So of course she told my boss anyway (and god knows who else). I knew she would. But I also know that my boss is an outstanding person and would never use the information to hurt or discredit me so I didn't let it bother me too much.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
One good piece of advice I did receive when I decided to use FMLA and short term disability to seek outpatient treatment was this:
Tell HR first that you need take medical leave and immediately ask for both the FMLA and short term disability paper work. They are required to begin processing this as soon as you request it AND FMLA laws go into effect as soon as you request it. Also, you can have HR notify your boss of this and at the same time they'll probably explain the rules of FMLA to the boss, too. Having HR tell the boss rather having you tell the boss is a protection for you, too.
Tell HR first that you need take medical leave and immediately ask for both the FMLA and short term disability paper work. They are required to begin processing this as soon as you request it AND FMLA laws go into effect as soon as you request it. Also, you can have HR notify your boss of this and at the same time they'll probably explain the rules of FMLA to the boss, too. Having HR tell the boss rather having you tell the boss is a protection for you, too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
One more thing (sorry for multiple posts!)
Make sure you can get the FMLA paperwork, complete with a doctor's signature, back to HR ASAP. i.e. get to the doctor or your psychiatrist Monday morning! Even if it's just an interim step before getting into an inpatient or outpatient program.
Make sure you can get the FMLA paperwork, complete with a doctor's signature, back to HR ASAP. i.e. get to the doctor or your psychiatrist Monday morning! Even if it's just an interim step before getting into an inpatient or outpatient program.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I was required to go to rehab to save my career.
Oceans of shame, regret, embarrassment... High financial costs... All that.
I got through it, well, I am not done with all the stuff that goes along with keeping my career.. But it's definitely intact and I have never felt better about my job or myself.
My opinion, frankly, is that if you, Wayne, are of value to the company and have an overall good track record, they may do, within reason, what they need to to keep you, to have you healthy, all there, so to speak.
If you don't get recovered, this event will just be one more touchstone on your downward spiral, possibly to the street and worse. Seriously, this alcoholism ruins lives and kills people. All this stuff about FMLA and paperwork, and laws and all that... well, you can play that game, I guess.... but honesty, I think, will get you further...
There are people on this site who have experience, many of them POSITIVE experience with this. I hope they will be along.
Oceans of shame, regret, embarrassment... High financial costs... All that.
I got through it, well, I am not done with all the stuff that goes along with keeping my career.. But it's definitely intact and I have never felt better about my job or myself.
My opinion, frankly, is that if you, Wayne, are of value to the company and have an overall good track record, they may do, within reason, what they need to to keep you, to have you healthy, all there, so to speak.
If you don't get recovered, this event will just be one more touchstone on your downward spiral, possibly to the street and worse. Seriously, this alcoholism ruins lives and kills people. All this stuff about FMLA and paperwork, and laws and all that... well, you can play that game, I guess.... but honesty, I think, will get you further...
There are people on this site who have experience, many of them POSITIVE experience with this. I hope they will be along.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 164
I went through something similar. I didn't miss more than a few days here and there but my attitude and performance was very poor. When asked about it and urged to do a better job, I just said "I'm exhausted, I can't give any more right now, and it's up to you guys to make the call if what I do is not enough cause I'm not making the call myself. I'd be happy to take a couple months severance and the bonus owed me if it would make things easier".
Oddly enough I got a promotion. Sigh I can't even screw up at work right. :p My guess is that it is an effort to get me motivated to do better.
I don't know about you, but in my case I was hoping they would let me go, and I was planning to go on the mother of all benders if they did though I didn't admit it to myself until later.
Oddly enough I got a promotion. Sigh I can't even screw up at work right. :p My guess is that it is an effort to get me motivated to do better.
I don't know about you, but in my case I was hoping they would let me go, and I was planning to go on the mother of all benders if they did though I didn't admit it to myself until later.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
Originally Posted by gincognito 
I went through something similar. I didn't miss more than a few days here and there but my attitude and performance was very poor. When asked about it and urged to do a better job, I just said "I'm exhausted, I can't give any more right now, and it's up to you guys to make the call if what I do is not enough cause I'm not making the call myself. I'd be happy to take a couple months severance and the bonus owed me if it would make things easier".
Oddly enough I got a promotion. Sigh I can't even screw up at work right. :p My guess is that it is an effort to get me motivated to do better.
I don't know about you, but in my case I was hoping they would let me go, and I was planning to go on the mother of all benders if they did though I didn't admit it to myself until later.
Oddly enough I got a promotion. Sigh I can't even screw up at work right. :p My guess is that it is an effort to get me motivated to do better.
I don't know about you, but in my case I was hoping they would let me go, and I was planning to go on the mother of all benders if they did though I didn't admit it to myself until later.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
I can only say my grandmother probably each died or were very ill 50 times in my life. And both were very healthy till that actually passed both to old age.
Once I went on a 4 day bender and called my boss and said I had to fly home for this, and I almost **** my pants when he said bring proof. But my alcoholic mind and ability to scam got me out of it. I went to a travel agent in San Fran and bs'ed her about a story and she printed me a receipt.
I hope for you, that you can get thru this with none or minor consequences. But if not it is what it is, drinking!!!!
Please find a program and save yourself from yourself. And youll never worry about such a thing again.
Good luck. Inda
Once I went on a 4 day bender and called my boss and said I had to fly home for this, and I almost **** my pants when he said bring proof. But my alcoholic mind and ability to scam got me out of it. I went to a travel agent in San Fran and bs'ed her about a story and she printed me a receipt.
I hope for you, that you can get thru this with none or minor consequences. But if not it is what it is, drinking!!!!
Please find a program and save yourself from yourself. And youll never worry about such a thing again.
Good luck. Inda
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 33
You come first
I see plenty of comments regarding the HR thing. So I will give you my perspective on the individual side.
First you need to get yourself straight and be ready to deal with this. Right now you need to whatever it takes to get clarity and be prepared for the next step. rehab, meetings, some help from a medical professional - counseling or drugs to manage the withdrawal.
I promise you that you will find all of this easier to deal with if you have no substances or alcohol in your system and you can think clearly.
You will probably find that the path forwards is nowhere near as bleak as you think.
In addition your boss and your company are almost certainly discussing what to do with you. I believe you when you guess that there is a strong chance that they already know.
Sounds like you have a window of time to concentrate purely on you. use it to be ready and then take this thing on full in the face. Use the law, use HR, use the fact that the company values you.
There is no changing what happened, just how you move on. everyone makes mistakes and if you front up you will likely find that people want to help you.
Either way - you need to recover for you first, them worry about your employer.
I wish that I could be there for you. You deserve and need support. You can and will get through this. On this site - everyone of us has done worse than you and we all got beyond it.
My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.
First you need to get yourself straight and be ready to deal with this. Right now you need to whatever it takes to get clarity and be prepared for the next step. rehab, meetings, some help from a medical professional - counseling or drugs to manage the withdrawal.
I promise you that you will find all of this easier to deal with if you have no substances or alcohol in your system and you can think clearly.
You will probably find that the path forwards is nowhere near as bleak as you think.
In addition your boss and your company are almost certainly discussing what to do with you. I believe you when you guess that there is a strong chance that they already know.
Sounds like you have a window of time to concentrate purely on you. use it to be ready and then take this thing on full in the face. Use the law, use HR, use the fact that the company values you.
There is no changing what happened, just how you move on. everyone makes mistakes and if you front up you will likely find that people want to help you.
Either way - you need to recover for you first, them worry about your employer.
I wish that I could be there for you. You deserve and need support. You can and will get through this. On this site - everyone of us has done worse than you and we all got beyond it.
My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: US
Posts: 55
Thank you, Sloinge. Especially for wishing you could be there for me. But your encouragement and all the others here at SR has really helped me in this last 6 months (and more time lurking) here, more than I would have thought an internet connection could.
Just a bit of my back story to provide context - and I'm not saying that your suggestion isn't perhaps the best move for me - of officially taking the time away from work and admitting publically and admitting to HR of this problem - it might be. But some of the story is that I have been getting counseling each week since Jan with a substance abuse counselor and made really good progress. Was sober 6 months before this horrible episode, and in the previous fall and winter had by myself limited myself to a few occassions. I am not saying any of this is good because I know (now) complete abstinence is the only way for someone like me, but I'd made tremendous progress this last year, didn't need to drink, had gotten past that anxiety hurdle that got me drinking, didn't want to drink, and then a few weeks ago stupidly decided with my wife that I could handle some wine with her. Obviously I can't and I really believe that now. Hadn't really before.
Now, I've got 60 people just in my company who would take my position in instant if they could. I don't think I could ever get a job like like this again if I lost it, and I know this info would give ammo to those who would. So, given the progress and my belief that I can get back to that great place I was a short time ago with continued counsleing, perhaps adding meetings this time and certainly SR, discreetly, I am weighing that with the knowledge that admitting to my company of this problem would likely lose a job I don't think I could get again and provide for family like I am, I am thinking I can get the help and support I need and to get to that great place I was, while workiing, that that is a better bet. My close friends and wife who know the situation agree. I could definitely be wrong, but that is what we are thinking.
In any case, your taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice are truly appreciated.
Thanks so much.
Just a bit of my back story to provide context - and I'm not saying that your suggestion isn't perhaps the best move for me - of officially taking the time away from work and admitting publically and admitting to HR of this problem - it might be. But some of the story is that I have been getting counseling each week since Jan with a substance abuse counselor and made really good progress. Was sober 6 months before this horrible episode, and in the previous fall and winter had by myself limited myself to a few occassions. I am not saying any of this is good because I know (now) complete abstinence is the only way for someone like me, but I'd made tremendous progress this last year, didn't need to drink, had gotten past that anxiety hurdle that got me drinking, didn't want to drink, and then a few weeks ago stupidly decided with my wife that I could handle some wine with her. Obviously I can't and I really believe that now. Hadn't really before.
Now, I've got 60 people just in my company who would take my position in instant if they could. I don't think I could ever get a job like like this again if I lost it, and I know this info would give ammo to those who would. So, given the progress and my belief that I can get back to that great place I was a short time ago with continued counsleing, perhaps adding meetings this time and certainly SR, discreetly, I am weighing that with the knowledge that admitting to my company of this problem would likely lose a job I don't think I could get again and provide for family like I am, I am thinking I can get the help and support I need and to get to that great place I was, while workiing, that that is a better bet. My close friends and wife who know the situation agree. I could definitely be wrong, but that is what we are thinking.
In any case, your taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice are truly appreciated.
Thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
From a strategic standpoint, you could go into that meeting and if things look very bad, you could very honest and tell them you are working on it.
Congrats on the 6 months, sometimes it takes what it takes to get full on clarity.
Wishing you well...
Congrats on the 6 months, sometimes it takes what it takes to get full on clarity.
Wishing you well...
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