soulgypsy

I'm not doing well tonight. I've really been thinking about drinking today and how much I miss it. I'm not in a crisis (yet), but I must admit that I have been intellectualizing my drinking even as I read and encourage others on this site.

I know this is the beast trying to worm its way back in. I know it must feel so threatened! The beast has been suggesting moderation, among other things..yet I know better. Once I start, I will slip right back into the web of alcohol.

I am not going to drink tonight.

I do, however, want to take a few moments to thank all of you who have encouraged me these last few days. Because of the support I have felt here, I will get through this. Because of the support I have felt here, I will power through this mud and back into the light. I accept this as part of my journey, but I want to thank you all. Without you, I would have bought a bottle and poured myself a glass tonight.

You are all angels and I thank you.

Happier

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your honesty and your resolve. I agree with and support everything you said. Anything you can do to get through the night and basically ready for bed? Oddly enough, eathing something often quiets my beast and it is almost always gone by morning. I agree with your approach to get through the night.
Wishing you peace.

katan

You can do this...you are stronger than the voice and the cravings! People like you, and me can't do moderation. After one drink that little voice calls us, lures us back into the dark. So find something else to focus on, keep posting her, and know that the craving will pass, and you will wake up tomorrow sober, and enjoy the feeling.

sugarbear1

For what it's worth, soulgypsy, here's some things to consider:

Although I never had a DUI or had criminal problems, I have lost relationships that are dear to me due to my drinking including family members. I had no job, no money, utility shut off notices, and an apartment full of boxes not yet emptied. I had no friends, well, a handful. I had no self worth, no dignity, nothing to really live for except a cat who depended on me. Little cat food. I had lost everything due to my drinking. My alcoholism progressed to the point that I didn't care if I lived or not.

I was full of anxiety, irrational fears, social phobias, and scared of my own shadow most of the time. I didn't like me. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I had no self worth.

It gets worse, it always gets worse. One drink was never enough to satisfy my want to drink more. How was your drinking? Could you just drink one?

I didn't want to face the world or myself. My last drunk lasted 10 days with no eating and little, if any, water. It was not a pleasant thing. I only wanted to drink one, when I started, too. Why? Because I thought one would quench my thirst.

Nothing to intellectualize here. Alcohol wants me dead. It doesn't care about anything. Once I start, I can't intellectualize anything anymore. What happens when you drink? How bad can it get?

Just thought I'd throw in some How Bad It Gets for you to think about. Since I got sober over a year ago, I am now employed, my utilities had not been shut off, they were paid for, I have a laptop and phone internet, I have friends, I volunteer my time, my family is coming back into my life, I enjoy waking up at 5 am and starting my day, I love talking to people where ever I am.

I have only rational fears, I have no social phobias, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I'm okay with who I am wherever I go. I can smile and I can look people in the eye. And my eyes are not red, they are white and clear. My skin is clear, I have a bounce in my step, and I think life is beautiful, even when things aren't so great!

Whatever you do, intellectualize yourself into a sober life! There is nothing that a drink will make better. Drinking just makes everything fall apart. Stay strong and stay stopped. Get something productive done and feel good about what you've accomplished. Write some small goals for tomorrow and do them! Life is for the living, not the ones drinking themselves in a thinking life (I just drank and thought I was living!).

Stay sober and tell the beast to take a hike!

With love & hugs,

Dee74

You've done the best thing you can do soulgypsy - rat out that little voice

D

blueshades

Soulgypsy, do you know why you are thinking about it more today? This might help you identify a trigger in your life that pushes you down that path.

This has been a tough day for me as well. The stress at work is enough to make me want a drink. Thankfully, I realized today that while there are a lot of things about my environment that I can't change, I have complete control over my choice to seek healthy self-care instead of drink. (And exercise! For you it's yoga, for me it's walking, running, or shooting hoops.) I hope you'll find some answers as to why you get that urge. I have begun to ask myself, rather than "What do I have to lose," "What do I actually stand to GAIN from drinking?" Not more control over and clarity about what's stressing me out, that's for sure...

Continued best wishes to you in your recovery.

IndaMiricale

Great reminder Sugarbear.

For this alcoholic I can forget the bad ever so quickly. And that is why I need my meetings all the time.

Keep on working on your recovery soulgypsy. Your doing great thank you for your post.

soulgypsy

Thank you, I know I've been lucky.

Never a DUI ( I never drink and drive), haven't lost anything to alcohol but myself, my self-esteem and my soul. I have managed to pull this sh*t off for almost 20 years. I have hid it very well--raised 3, almost 4 now adult children (none of them drink), have been married for 26 years and have a wonderful job. That's what the beast in banking on. The beast is rationalizing and trying to convince me that my alcohol is not that bad.

I know that's a lie.

It doesn't matter what I have or haven't lost, because I know my health is silently failing. I have some liver enzyme elevation (80) and have developed high blood pressure. I have to change this fate, and I will. I don't want to hit rock bottom before I do.

Again, I just want to thank you wonderful people on SR. You inspire me to achieve total sobriety forever. To know that others have done it and are doing it lets me know that it is achievable. I made it through today and I will make it through tomorrow.

Peace and light. Goodnight.

freshstart57

Soulgypsy, you are doing the best thing for yourself that you can right now. Turn your lazer focus on this idea that you miss drinking, and then think back just a few days, to the hangovers, the nausea, shakes, insomnia, the depression, the anxiety, the guilt. Drinking might have been like the TV commercials for me at first, but that ship sailed a decade or two ago.

I tell myself that a single drink is my ticket back there into that hole, and that I might get only one chance at this sober life thing. One chance. I won't play those odds. If I get tired of saying no, I switch over to saying yes to my health, my sanity, my family, my future. This is just a brain game, and I am pretty sure you have just the brain to win this.

NoFireWater

Soulgypsy, I appreciate your posts greatly! Sorry today was a difficult one. The beast definitely dangles that moderation idea as frequently as it can doesn't it?
It knows it's effective that's why. Good for resisting it!

I always get restless around full moon time. Restless normally translates to drinking. I can already feel the pull and definitely had to work to resist it tonight. Maybe the moon is bringing it out in you too.

Blueshades very cool thing to flip it to What do I have to gain by drinking? Will have to remember that!