When up is down.... Then look down
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
When up is down.... Then look down
My moods betrayed me all weekend. Badly.
What I should have been happy for I was angry at. What i should have been pissed off at I was happy for. The person I love, I hated. I even wanted to kick the cat! Yes the sad diabetic cat.
Posted here about a great sober day. Yes that's true. But that high quickly spiraled into WTF?
So I sat still. Did not move. Well not literally.
I spared the cat. I smiled at my partner. I took a nearly 10 mile walk around what seemed to be all of manhattan. From the entire west side through the trade centers and up TriBeCa. To those that know the area that's a healthy walk.
I needed to keep moving as I stood still. If up was down than I wanted no part of it.
I understand that this was still chemically induced from my F up last Wednesday and Thursday but this was not fun in any way.
I feel much better today but angry as hell.
So being sober is a bit of a ride. I need to keep it a very still ride for now or the failed logic of drinking and drugging to "brighten" things up will seem like an option.
I have never felt so strong in my convictions for myself.
My plan to stay active physically....stay on SR, have helped me a lot.
Excited for the coming sober week! Even if the see-saw continues it does not matter. I will always be mindful of what I went trough last week. I cannot go back to that.
I wrote that down and posted the description on the fridge.
I am no longer beyond doing EVERYTHING necessary to get my life back. Nothing's held back. No shame in anything needed to do it. All on the line.
And I love it!
Ken
What I should have been happy for I was angry at. What i should have been pissed off at I was happy for. The person I love, I hated. I even wanted to kick the cat! Yes the sad diabetic cat.
Posted here about a great sober day. Yes that's true. But that high quickly spiraled into WTF?
So I sat still. Did not move. Well not literally.
I spared the cat. I smiled at my partner. I took a nearly 10 mile walk around what seemed to be all of manhattan. From the entire west side through the trade centers and up TriBeCa. To those that know the area that's a healthy walk.
I needed to keep moving as I stood still. If up was down than I wanted no part of it.
I understand that this was still chemically induced from my F up last Wednesday and Thursday but this was not fun in any way.
I feel much better today but angry as hell.
So being sober is a bit of a ride. I need to keep it a very still ride for now or the failed logic of drinking and drugging to "brighten" things up will seem like an option.
I have never felt so strong in my convictions for myself.
My plan to stay active physically....stay on SR, have helped me a lot.
Excited for the coming sober week! Even if the see-saw continues it does not matter. I will always be mindful of what I went trough last week. I cannot go back to that.
I wrote that down and posted the description on the fridge.
I am no longer beyond doing EVERYTHING necessary to get my life back. Nothing's held back. No shame in anything needed to do it. All on the line.
And I love it!
Ken
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Good to hear your news, Ken. That's right, nothing will stop you! I remember feeling that I would succeed at this even if I were the first person in all of history. It was all in my head, it was all up to me. I would try everything, read anything, think anything.
I will prevail.
I will prevail.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Yes Anna I did. I realized there is always going to be stuff that will be there. Trying no to do such heavy lifting all the time and making nothing work in the process is a thing of the past.
Not everything has to end up being a drinking excuse if you really want to be abstinent. We get just what we want if we want it.
Not everything has to end up being a drinking excuse if you really want to be abstinent. We get just what we want if we want it.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
Great post Ken-the mood swings can be really tricky to navigate. Glad you spared the cat 
So true about the drinking excuses. If you can find a way to shut them down and carry on you realize exactly how many excuses you've made over the years.
"It's Friday so I can drink-I'll only have "a couple". I had a really rough day, I deserve to relax with my friends and have a few. My friend is upset and wants to go out, I have to go along to cheer her up. I'll move to a new place and start fresh, I won't be as much of a drinker when I escape this lifestyle." It goes on and on...
Keep on walking, and stick to your convictions, you sound like you are determined to succeed!
So true about the drinking excuses. If you can find a way to shut them down and carry on you realize exactly how many excuses you've made over the years.
"It's Friday so I can drink-I'll only have "a couple". I had a really rough day, I deserve to relax with my friends and have a few. My friend is upset and wants to go out, I have to go along to cheer her up. I'll move to a new place and start fresh, I won't be as much of a drinker when I escape this lifestyle." It goes on and on...
Keep on walking, and stick to your convictions, you sound like you are determined to succeed!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
You can do it Weasie, I know you are up and down a bit, as I was/am.
Imagine being a woman! (Hormones every month... gah!)
With me, I knew that alcohol was no longer an option.
If you can hold on to the thought of it never being an option, the rest becomes a bit easier to take control of.
Alcohol was always a good 'get out clause' of real life for me, it worked for a while, then my liver decided to change the T&C's!
Imagine being a woman! (Hormones every month... gah!)
With me, I knew that alcohol was no longer an option.
If you can hold on to the thought of it never being an option, the rest becomes a bit easier to take control of.
Alcohol was always a good 'get out clause' of real life for me, it worked for a while, then my liver decided to change the T&C's!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 117
Great job, Ken.
What I am slowly figuring out is that all of the emotions we are experiencing are normal...I think that we alcoholics are the only ones that think they are not normal and that we must be "fixed" with alcohol. My alcoholism started with a betrayal. I thought I could "fix" how I felt about it--but I didn't, I just hid it under the rug of alcoholism.
You might have had good reason to kick the cat (I'm glad you didn't!!) but bottom line is alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike learn eventually that you just can't go around kicking cats. The non-alcoholics just figure it out without the crutch of booze. You can't fix how you feel with a drink 'cause when you wake up in the morning, that cat's still there...it just probably puked in your shoe.
Not sure if that makes any sense, but I bet you get it. Bravo, and keep up the good work. I wish you peace tonight!
What I am slowly figuring out is that all of the emotions we are experiencing are normal...I think that we alcoholics are the only ones that think they are not normal and that we must be "fixed" with alcohol. My alcoholism started with a betrayal. I thought I could "fix" how I felt about it--but I didn't, I just hid it under the rug of alcoholism.
You might have had good reason to kick the cat (I'm glad you didn't!!) but bottom line is alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike learn eventually that you just can't go around kicking cats. The non-alcoholics just figure it out without the crutch of booze. You can't fix how you feel with a drink 'cause when you wake up in the morning, that cat's still there...it just probably puked in your shoe.
Not sure if that makes any sense, but I bet you get it. Bravo, and keep up the good work. I wish you peace tonight!
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Coming back strong? I think so. I want to absorbe it before I declare it. I think I have... I know I have.
And the cat is safe. Right now he is sober. Damn katnip. But I weened it off and he is doing better. Less awanry. More kitty like.
His name is Henry. He's more regale than he should be but less than he deserves.
Thanks for the kind words.... I will keep you posted on the adventures of Henry... And me.
And the cat is safe. Right now he is sober. Damn katnip. But I weened it off and he is doing better. Less awanry. More kitty like.
His name is Henry. He's more regale than he should be but less than he deserves.
Thanks for the kind words.... I will keep you posted on the adventures of Henry... And me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Nicely done, Ken.
I had lots of ups and downs early in recovery—sometimes several of each in the same day. A true emotional roller coaster, that was. But after a while I looked at it as training for the rest of my life, since life is full of ups and downs. It was a new skill for me, learning to deal in a healthy way with the downturns, accepting them as part of the package deal, even embracing them in a way, because, let's face it, a story without any adversity is a pretty boring story.
I had lots of ups and downs early in recovery—sometimes several of each in the same day. A true emotional roller coaster, that was. But after a while I looked at it as training for the rest of my life, since life is full of ups and downs. It was a new skill for me, learning to deal in a healthy way with the downturns, accepting them as part of the package deal, even embracing them in a way, because, let's face it, a story without any adversity is a pretty boring story.
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