Jakeysnakey

Hi everyone,

I am a 28 year old female and I have been in a 12 step program for food issues for just over a year now. It has brought to my attention that I should avoid alcohol, partly because I continually have lost my abstinence after drinking.

Also, when I did my fifth step in OA, my sponsor noted the number of times my harms started out with "well i got really hammered and then I....", honestly it usually involved sleeping around or doing drugs.

I don't drink often. But not drinking, in certain situations, is pretty much torture for me. I have done it a few times now and the mental abuse I put myself through was so disturbing. I left feeling totally battered, absolutely broken. The negative self talk was insane when not drinking and I realized that THIS is what I drink over.

Now, though I don't drink often, when I do I drink a lot. When I first got abstinent for the food a bottle of wine made a real nice substitute...by myself at home on a Friday night. I routinely drank and drove, and I would sometimes drink to blackout (especially after abstinence).

I fought it for a long time and always ended up drinking but now that I'm aware of what I'm numbing I don't think I should be drinking.

All this said, I don't think I am "alcoholic". Are meetings for me? I feel a bit silly cause I'm not a frequent drinker (or I guess at all anymore). I guess I am looking for advice...should I stay or should I go?

Thanks, I appreciate any and all feedback.

Jaclyn

Fallow

Sounds like you should stay. Welcome!

I was always told blackouts and drunk driving were signs of alcohol problems.
Turns out that 'they' were right in my case.

Maybe meetings will help you determine exactly where you stand.

Veritas1

Sounds like you have an honest desire to stop drinking. You are a member when you say so.

We are sure our way of living has advantages for all...our book tells us.

If going to AA helps you, by all means....go.

Your experience may be able to help someone else someday.

jstar

Welcome!

I've often heard people say on this site that it's not "how much" or "how often" you drink, it's what it does to you when you do drink. I can only speak for myself, but for me it's like there is this invisible line that I don't know that i've crossed...until I wake up the next day. Blackouts are the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. To me, drinking to the point of blacking out, on a regular basis, is not "normal".

Good luck in whatever path you take. If you choose sobriety, this is a rad place for support I love SR!

Jakeysnakey

i guess on some level I just feel like I don't really belong. I've been to a couple meetings before (well, only two closed meetings) and I just didn't feel right. I can speak to my recovery in the twelve steps, and alcohol has made my life more difficult but I'm not sure that it has become 'unmanageable' because of alcohol. There is a sick part of me that kind of wants to see it become unmanageable because of it so I will get sympathy from others. That's what my disease is telling me today.

Pondlady

Don't listen to your disease, it doesn't have your best interest at heart.

soulgypsy

I don't think life has to be unmanageable for you to truly know you need recovery. I have managed to get on quite nicely, stay married 26 years, raise 4 children and hold down a wonderful job, all the while suffering in complete silence. Have been obviously smashed a few times, but just occasionally--maybe 4 times in almost 20 years--but I have still managed to hide and drink at least 3, if not 6+ drinks almost every single day.

I can't speak from AA since I've never been, but I would think that the most uncomfortable part for me would be opening up to people. I haven't opened up to anyone except the strangers on this site and that just started yesterday, not even my DH. For me there was no rock-bottom. I just knew I had to stop the secret madness.

You can do it. Maybe try another AA group if you think that is the best route for you? Whatever else, it seems that a lot of people have been helped by the support on this site. That's why I'm here and that's why I'm glad you're here too. I definitely think you should stay.