Weasel1966

"Habits and patterns associated with addiction are typically characterized by immediate gratification (short-term reward), coupled with delayed deleterious effects (long-term costs)."

Two words stand out in that for me.... Gratification and delayed.

Obviously the person that defined addition was not an addict. If he or she were they would know that any definition put to it would not accurately describe.

There is nothing gratifying and there is nothing delayed about it.

One must be in order to define it and even then I come up empty for words.

If you were asked to describe yourself past the physical features would you list alcoholic drug addict at the top.... Or somewhere in between.

I think those that are abstinent would list it at the top.

Those that are struggling would list it in the middle.

And there are those that have yet to see themselves in that light. So that's not even on their list.

I may not like the new additives I apply to myself but the idea of being that guy who never sees?

Mine is at the top. It needs to be there. I earned it.

I had a sober weekend this week. Not a common event. Not one I am even going to make a big deal out of.

It was not easy. Was not difficult either. It simply was.

Does not seem to matter to my introspective behaviors. They exist all on there own.

Even with being sober this weekend I feel lost.

I realize my posts are a bit cryptic at times. But that's because I seldom understand what I am saying. So why should you?

Going to have another sober weekend next weekend... And the one after that ... and the one after that.

Maybe then I will feel better.

llastchance8

Very well said .. I like your line " Mine is at the top. It needs to be there. I earned it."

Keep trying. Our best wishes are with you.

freshstart57

Congratulations on your achievement this weekend, Weasel. Even though you don't feel all *****OO about it, you know that you need to find a way to work your perception around to that celebration in your mind. This is how you will make it stick.

The reward for being sober, for me anyway, starts out with sobriety. I am not being trite, but it is an end in itself. Putting your sobriety in a class on its own, with no parades or rainbows, follows from the separation of the voice of your addiction from yourself, if that makes any sense. It follows from the vow to never drink or use again, no matter how un-*****oo you might feel. Standing by that vow is cause for celebration on its own.

The addict description used to be at the top for me. As the sober days piled up, so did the other attributes that describe me, and they all landed on top of that pile. With every day, every weekend, every sober achievement, another characteristic got added on top, so that now, addict is waaaaaaay at the bottom. I am so much more now.

It has been said that the real problem with delayed gratification is all the waiting. Best to you.

Weasel1966

Thanks fresh.

I am not sure why. I feel terribly depressed today. Not much is good right now.

I guess if you take away the drinking and drugs and you still feel crappy then there are some other things to achieve.

And no.... I choose not to celebrate my sober weekend. I wanted to drink every moment of those 48 hours.

I am still rather angry at the whole mess.

freshstart57

I understand. The choice is between crappy, and drunk hungover sick ashamed disappointed dismayed guilty. And crappy also.

I think you did good. If that is the choice, I choose crappy too.

Weasel1966

I am going through a period of anger. I am angry I even need this site. I am angry that I am a drunk. I am angry that everything got to this point.

But when I am done swinging my fists on the air ... I really am satisfied that I am sober. Even if I feel crappy.

Things are improving despite myself.

freshstart57

Accept this, Weasel. Accept the suchness of what is, as Mr.Tolle says. Then you can act. A drowning man needs to accept he is in the water and not dispute this fact before he can choose to swim.

Then you can become gentle with you. There is a you, an angry scared helpless you, that needs you and all you can be. Cherish and protect that you, and be gentle with you. Best to you.

mecanix

Am i being defined by what i am or who i am ?

I take on board the what i am. I accept that as fact, some things you can change (plump /unfit) others you just have to accept as out of your control ( gay/alcoholic/british/38) ...
now i've acertained the facts in full carity of perception, it is now up to me to make up the who i am or another way of thinking of it is, how i deal with those immutable an not so immutable facts ?
What does one choose to do with this self knowledge and enlightenment ?

bestwishes M

Weasel1966

Stop being so damn positive. It's conflicting with my depression.

Weasel1966

Mecanix

(gay/alcoholic/American/46) I certainly understand what it means to accept oneself.

But when some new thing comes your way that forces a revised version it takes me a bit longer at this age.

I am happy to accept being abstinent. Make no mistake about it.

The alternative is appalling.

I just need to adjust now. But while I am whining today to everyone... I am genuinely happy with my sobriety this weekend. And today.

freshstart57

OK. *****OOO then. Amirite?

Weasel1966

I give in.... Yes!

I was sober this weekend

*****!

mecanix

Weasel1966

It's hard not to smile and be thankful with people like you around me!

ReadyAndAble

Interesting definition of addiction. Now let's flip it on its head:

Recovery is often characterized by immediate deleterious effects (short-term costs), coupled with delayed gratification (long-term rewards).

Put that at the top of your list, Weasel.

NoFireWater

Weasel, I'm going through much of the same feelings. Made it through the weekend, and it was kind of anticlimactic-yeah, and now what? I was happy I made a week, I felt better mentally and physically, but there was this element of "well, that wasn't very exciting". I guess we're used to having fun, and this isn't going to be fun. Hangovers are not fun either so there's that

Early on I think we just have to concentrate on not drinking. It sounds like the fun stuff comes later when you start replacing time at the bar or with the bottle with things you truly enjoy doing. I'm making a list of all the things I gave up while drinking...I used to have hobbies back in the day. Presumably now I'll have time to do some of them.

I can relate to the anger too. Why me? Why do I have to deal with this crap? How come I can't tie one on with my friends and have some much needed laughs? How did I let it get this far? It goes on and on...

Dalek

Weasel,

A general rule of drug use is that what goes up must come down, and what goes down must come up. What this adds up to is that all recreational drugs tend to cause depression as part of the withdrawal experience, but eventually, it passes. It may not seem like it at the moment, but your body is busy at work re-acclimating itself to functioning on its own chemicals. Give it some time. You don't want to start this all over again.

ReadyAndAble beat me to it - this is essentially the reality of the situation:

We borrowed feel-good chemicals on credit for a long time, and when we quit, we have to pay some of that back, often with some accrued interest thrown in. This is normal. Remember that by quitting, you are actually choosing short-term discomfort in order to get out of this destructive cycle. Keep your eye on the ball, and remember where you want to be, not where you are. If your brain feels like 'mush', listen to music or watch TV for a few days. Exercise is good if you can muster it.

Weasel1966

Dalek, I understand that this is chemical... Or at least the majority is.

There are real good reasons we all have to be regretful and depressed when the reality and gravity of our actions is processed.

I look aaround at people and try to remember what it was like before. Before I got swallowed whole and spit back out in little pieces. Of course by my own doing. I blame no one. And I also look to no one to make my changes for me.

But without the sufficient opportunity to expell these unwanted emotions... Through posts and my therapy then I would certainly be a a higher risk of going back to the safety of ignorance.

Woke up great this morning.... But then I remember I have some things I need to think of everyday. Focus on everyday. Try not to lie to myself.

From my bank account.... To my home... To my lack of everything I freely gave to it. It's in my face. And rightly needs to be there.

I had an ARI ( alcohol related incident ) with one of the last slips. I broke my pinky figure on someone face. Opps. But now I have it wrapped and has to stay that way for up to 6 months. I have to shower with a bag over my hand. If I try to be positive about maybe I can draw a face on it and pretend.... But I digress... So i do understand. Time to work thorough it now I guess.

Neutral gets me no where. Forward is a slow go. And backward is not an option. So.... At least I know where I am going.

Dalek

Yes, but bank account and credit card statements can be fixed, as can broken fingers.

You can get back to that, Weasel. In parts of the world, people's lives are always getting uprooted. Mine was on a couple occasions. The human spirit is remarkably resilient, though, and people do rebuild, even from little more than ashes. Temporary setbacks do not mean the end of the world, and they do not mean that you are down for the count.

Yes, focus where you are going. Forward is the way to go. Fan that tiny spark of hope into a roaring flame.

Weasel1966

Thank you. I needed that.

I am having a particularly difficult day. Not sure why and it has never been like this before.

Your words helped and were heard.

Thanks.