Lost3000

I thought about putting this in the AA section but decided against it. It's really not AA based but more directed towards us newbies.

I was invited to a lunch with other fellow female AA'ers. It went well, I think.

On one hand, I feel much more experienced with sobriety than I did in my first month. On the other, around these women, I feel like a complete newbie. They mostly have 20+ years on me.

We also share the same professional field (legal). So we chatted about work, cases, their kids, our pets, husbands, etc.

But I get nervous. I talk wayyyyy too much. And I can't shut myself up!! I tried to listen, and participate in the conversation. But it was awkward for me. I'm not sure why.

One thing that did cross my mind is that I'm only 6 months sober. I wonder if they are wondering whether I'll make it, or whether I'll go out. I wonder if they are hesitant talking to me, because I just might go out and not be around any more.

Part of my insecurity around them too is that they are mostly lawyers. I'm not, I'm a paralegal. They think that my annual billable requirement is low - meanwhile I HATE it and think it's going to drag me right out of this job.

And now I have a headache. : (

I don't want to be here at work and haven't wanted to be here for at least a couple of weeks. I know it's tough out there, the economy, etc. I could have it much worse, be one of the jobless, etc. --- but none of that takes away from the fact that for today, I'm at work and not wanting to be here. At all.

MalkavianEmily

That's rough, lost. I've spent months feeling like that. I hope it gets better. Maybe it's time to start looking for something else?

freshstart57

That sounds to me like self doubt, exactly the sort of thing an addiction would say, if it had a voice to speak to you. It would say, 'you might not do this, you might not make it, you might drink again. Yippee!'.

I think you should be proud of yourself, instead of doubting. Staying sober is not going to give you a job that you enjoy automatically, but getting drunk will make sure that you never have one. You know what to do.

DisplacedGRITS

AAAGGGGHHH!!!! i know exactly how you feel! i've isolated for so long that now i'm really awkward when i'm talking to people. i talk and talk and talk. heck, i do it here on the forum, lol! when i'm in a group with AAers, sometimes i tell them that i've been in pretty severe isolation for nearly 6 years and my social skills have suffered greatly. i'm trying to get confident enough with people to let them know that i really do appreciate feedback and try to not take it negatively. i want to know if i'm talking too much or only talk about myself or being really awkward or off putting. AAers will be more apt to understand my situation. i'm scared silly because i start my new job on Monday and i'm going to be around coworkers...eek! people. new people. and i'm going to have to talk to them. i don't want to blow it. they don't know about my alcoholism and i'm not going to share that. they don't know me and that's not the foot i'm about to lead off with. the problem is...who am i? i've been an isolating alcoholic for 6 years and i lost myself. i don't want them to know that person but i'm not the person i was 7 years ago. i think maybe this is why so many of us struggle with sober social situations. we have problems connecting with people because we're still trying to figure out exactly who we are. name: check. birthday: check. where i was born: check. what i like:......uh.......i like.....i'm not totally sure anymore. i mean, i know i like some things but a lot has changed.

i guess one option is to err on the side of being the slightly quieter one. learning to listen. we've been the outgoing, life of the party drunk for so long that learning to hush up a bit is pretty damn hard. personally, i'm going to try to practice a little serenity and peace in my conversations with people. it's not my responsibility to be the one that cracks all the jokes. i can be the one laughing. if no one's talking about how funny i was the next day or it takes my coworkers a few days to remember my name because i didn't make a huge impression, that's fine. i'd rather be a little quiet than foolish. it's just going to take a lot of restraint. seems like sobriety involves learning a lot of restraint. well, i've got four and a half months of practice. time to apply it.

sorry, Lost. i jacked your thread. ^_^*

Lost3000

Something else, work-wise? If that's what you are talking about, then yeah, I've been giving that tons of thought. First thing is double checking my resume. Then discretely checking around. Since I got sober, my perception of my job has changed. I love many aspects of my job, but there are many things I am unhappy about and that I can change.

Lost3000

Well, I can tell you I don't doubt my sobriety. That I won't make it, become an old timer. It's just not here yet. I don't have any of these thoughts: "'I might not do this, I might not make it, I might drink again. Yippee!" Nothing like that at all.

I really want to be an old timer, but it's just not going to happen overnight. I just wonder what their thoughts are about me. I know they are happy for me, but I also wonder if they worry I'll go out since I'm so new (relatively, to them anyhow!)

I have forgotten how proud of myself I am. I am living a vastly different life than before. I see staying sober as allowing me to explore other work opportunities, and not be so afraid of jumping to another job.

MalkavianEmily

Nod, that's what I meant.

That happened to me. 14 years ago, I don't know if I quit drinking or not, but I did make a wholebuncha rules about where and when I did and didn't drink.
Within a month or two, I'd handed my notice in.

Lost3000

LOL - displaced --- you did not jack my thread!

What you said really resonated with me. I guess I do feel that way. Everyone wants to be liked. But I was the life of the party so to speak, and I'm still trying to be. I don't know totally who I am as who I was was a drunk. I'm not a drunk anymore.

Lately I've been wanting to find a new hobby. Not sure what, but I do want a new hobby. Then I have a conversation piece! "What do you like to do in your spare time?" Me (before sobriety): Happy hour! Me (after sobriety): ????

I wish I would've given this some thought before the lunch. Because afterwards my insecure self thought - did I talk their ears off? Did they want to get away from me?? I did! I talked too much!!!

I just don't know how to act in social situations. I've had tons of work functions w/out booze, but I separated that in my head - and it was work - so I was ok. But w/out booze in my life, a social lunch was hard somehow.

Lost3000

OK, well, we are on the same page then. I've been at my job 6 years now. So leaving isn't drastic or anything. "They" recommend you don't make any major changes in your first year of sobriety. I'm trying hard not to do that! But I will not allow my job to make me completely miserable and in jeopardy of drinking again. I won't.

Dee74

I used to worry - almost obsessively - about other people thought of me - my self doubt made me think everyone else had an opinion on me - how I dressed, how I talked, did I say too much or not enough, should I laugh at that joke, what about this silence - what does that mean...was my education or IQ up to scratch....

it was maddening.

Now I know what matters most is what I think about myself - and life is a whole lot more peaceful

I think it's most likely they're not worried about you at all Lost, but if these people are actually wondering or worried about you - let them be...so what?

Personally I don't see anything to be worried about

Best of luck in finding a job you love too
D

Lost3000

Hi Dee, in my never ending quest for happiness (found true love) I hope to find this peace you speak of. I see it as part of what makes me a newbie alcoholic. This stuff isn't second nature to me as I've only spent 6 months doing it. And the first couple of months were a blur. So hopefullly, this will be easier for me as time goes by. They did invite me to the luncheon, right?

tomsteve

heres a suggestion: why not get some courage and let em know how you are feeling? you just may get some good solutions.

what you have experienced is quite common. the only way we knew how to carry on a conversation was drunk, so what do we got to go on to know how to carry on a conversation now? welp, we just gotta do it and learn. funny thing is is here you are all concerned about how the others felt and it prolly isnt effecting them at all right now. it is things like this that a sponsor and the steps will help ya with.

Dee74

I wasn't being snooty LOL

It wasn't second nature to me either Lost - in many ways I'm still the same guy I've always been - but in other ways I'm Dee Vers. 2.0...a lot of me has been turned around 180 degrees from where I used to be

That took a lot of time and energy - but I got there
You will too

D

DisplacedGRITS

ugh...tried to talk to my husband about this and when i mentioned that as alcoholics we often felt like we were the life of the party and he snapped at me saying "you only thought you were" cutting me off. like i needed to be reminded that i made an ass of myself. he made an ass of himself while he was drunk as well and i don't bring that up. i got rather pissed at him for cutting me off with a negative comment while i was just trying to talk through what had been an important conversation for me today and now i'm brooding. he apologized but honestly i'm sick of it. in the past week there's only been one day where he hasn't had to apologize for making a dumb*ss remark in a conversation and right royally ticking me off. if i hear "i'm sorry" one more time....well, i don't know exactly what i'm going to do. i haven't accepted the apology and i'm not sure that i will. i'm not obligated to and i honestly don't feel like it. i'm "in a mood." and i'm feeling a bit entitled to it. it's childish but...ugh, i dunno. i like computers better sometimes.

sometimes i feel like i'm so awful at conversations i might as well just shut my mouth for good.

we're in the same room...perhaps i should googlechat him and we should type it out, lol.

CarolD

Lost....
I am pleased you went to lunch and mentioned your job
the others might be an excellent source if you want to change
It's called networking as I'm sure you know...

AA members are often a good resource for all sortts of things
There is a genuine interest in helping others ..
.
Yes I did switch jobs in early recovery ..to protect my
fragile sobreity and the idea came from another AA 'er

A relocation ..a career change and I was told of the
opportunity after shareing in meetings that I was
interested in moving on to a different field

Relax and let the new you emerge and grow...

freshstart57

Yes, Lost, you are right to be pleased with yourself. You are transforming yourself daily, and doing a pretty darned good job of it too. Congratulations.

The job thing? Just keep doing what you are doing. The changes that you see in yourself will be noticed, and your co workers will be impressed. 'There's something different about Lost these days. She seems, I dunno, happier'.

Lost3000

Courage? ha! Well, I don't know if I'll share with all of them but how about my sponsor? I'll do that. I talked to my husband last night and he echoed what you said -- that I'm just used to hanging out with other drunks and there aren't any social rules there. Just get wasted and act however you want.

Funny - you are probably right. They probably haven't given it a second thought.

I think I just passed step 3, will be on the 4th next week when we meet again.

Lost3000

Oh!!!! I didn't mean that you were being snooty. Just honestly saying that this stuff doesn't come easily for me. Sometimes sobriety comes easy, sometimes not. Like yesterday's lunch.

Thanks so much Dee.

Lost3000

Hey, I'm sorry I missed your post yesterday. I hope you weren't feeling too bad. Stuff like that really bothers me. Someone in my AA mtg told me to keep my mouth shut regarding my husband still reacting to me like he would when I was drunk. I want him to "get" it. That I'm different. But I have to show him I'm different. And it's not fair for me to expect him to all of a sudden get and accept the new me.

You might not be in my situation though - my husband very rarely drinks. I was a total drunk. Although my husband cuts me off a lot when I'm trying to talk (which, um, is a lot) and says things in a mean tone sometimes. It hurts me a lot, I'm sensitive too.

I can't recall Displaced if you are an AA'er or not, but I can't say enough for the comraderie I've received out of it. So instead of me trying to talk these things out with my husband (who will never get it, quite honestly), I talk it out with my AA friends, my sponsor, or I share during the mtg.

Hope things even out with you two - I know how you feel.

bryangt

As time goes by, I 'worry' less what people think. I took a deep dive. I was a 'successful' person in many people's eyes. And drinking pushed me down hard--from suit & tie to orange county issued jump suit. Rebuilding my self-esteem is a work in progress. I lost a lot, but I didn't lose my life or 'me'. Once a 'man' about town...mentioned in newspaper gossip columns...to a 'where is he now?'...Starting over but with a new foundation. Not built on 'what I have or own anymore' but built on character of faith, a will to go forward with honesty. I have to remind myself every so often how far I've come in 17 months--from a broken man to one who isn't giving up. I am not happy in my job either Lost. But I try to move forward with the belief that the right thing will come along as long as I am doing the right thing...