Ambitionica

I'm 1 & 1/2 month sober from marijuana and two months sober from cigarettes and I don't miss them at all. I drink alcohol occasionally and have had a problem with it before when I was caught with marijuana and switched up addictions so I don't drink very often. An occasional glass or two of wine but that's maybe twice a week, if that. My biggest addiction is coffee and I have no intention of giving that up anytime soon. I have done many different drugs since I was 14 (am now 29) and have a narcissistic/sociopath mother with whom I no longer speak as well as a father who has another family in another state.

My decision to change my life was because of two wake up calls in short order:

1) My bf, 2yo daughter and I went for a trip to San Diego. I couldn't get the thought of scoring some dope out of my head and had a mostly horrible time because of that. I realized that my family was being effected much more than I thought and I was hurting and needed to change.

2) My friend has been diagnosed with stage four cancer and given less than a year to live. We share nearly identical drug histories and he's a week older than I am. I was in such shock and hurt for my friend which quickly turned into shock for what was truly possible for me. I couldn't let my family be hurt by something I have some control over (Esophageal cancer caused by smoking, most likely).

Since these things have set in, I can't imagine actually having another hit of smoke in my body. I'm not saying that I don't have cravings. What I'm saying is that I can see the consequences much easier and know that the solution to not becoming addicted again is to never puff again. The cravings pass and I have to coach myself through them. My guard is up - I know it will be hard for a long time if not forever.

The problem now that I am sober is seeing why I allowed myself to get that bad in the first place. My bf is an alcoholic and our daughter is involved. I am a SAHM and don't have much in the way of resources. I am in school and was intending to go in the fall, but now that I have told him that I will not take his alcoholic lies and general BS, I am moving out. Where? I have no idea. I have no job, my skills from two years ago are in the restaurant industry, and I have no money. None. I read about other women who save up money under their husband/boyfriend's nose but I feel that would be personally wrong of me as I don't want to use him.

A little backup on him, he's 33 and fully functioning. He doesn't abuse me verbally or physically. He uses purposeful deception instead of outright lying and when I call him on it, he tells me that he has been drinking and that he's sorry, etc, etc... He is on his 2nd DUI (last one at a .23) and has been going to AA, lying to everyone there, his family (both parents in active recovery), and me. He is the sole breadwinner in our family and would go to jail if he violates his probation yet, admitting he knows the decision he makes even before he makes it, drinks and drives. He's been lying and hiding his drinking from me since I got pregnant and I quit being his drinking buddy. He switches between, basically, rubbing it in my face to hiding it from me. He stopped being intimate with me (unless drunk) and I feel more like the nanny than the woman he supposedly loves. We went to two therapy sessions and, although he says he wants to change (again), I had to be the one to bring up the drinking and didn't even bring up the recent drinking, only the drinking from when I was pregnant. I didn't mention the recent lying and drinking because I wanted to see if he, with his "willingness to change", would bring it up as a barrier to our relationship and it's success. He did not even mention his DUI as a barrier to our already limited time together either. He has been putting our entire family at risk and I escaped in my own way by climbing into the pipe. Now that I have climbed out, I see where I have landed and know it's a long road ahead. I am so scared, but I have to stay strong because (I am reading) it only will get worse and I don't want to wait around for that to happen.

I'm 30 and have been trying to get a degree (half-trying at best in addiction mode) for over a decade. Now, I feel like I'm even farther back but don't want to use my ABF just for a degree. Not only would that be a sh!**y thing to do, but would teach my daughter that using people is okay (what my mother tried did and I had to unlearn as I aged...still unlearning a lot of bad stuff from her but I can now recognize how that inner voice sounds). I will be going to Al-Non now that I am ready to accept that I have to heal as well and will be reading that Co-Dependent No More my therapist gave for me to read about a year ago (I stopped seeing her when she told me to leave my ABF back then).

So I've told him it's over...and now I start...where? I'm waiting for a reply from his mom who has been the only truly supportive person around me in dealing with her son and his issues. I haven't spoken to her in awhile as I was being a codependent to my ABF to the point of cleaning up and hiding beer bottles before she would come to visit and avoiding conversations with her so I wouldn't have to be uncomfortable and tell her that her son has been lying (I make it a habit to be as painfully, but not brutally, truthful as possible). I've asked to stay with her for a few days to just get my head clear and to visit with her granddaughter. This is as far as I've gotten. Still no response and I'm a little worried that I may have put her in a hard spot. I mentioned this much when I sent the e-mail, saying I would completely understand and wouldn't want to put a wedge between them. Now I am wondering, as I gave him the opportunity to contact her first, if he has said something to her about my previous addiction - something I would humbly admit to as a past issue now but would obviously have rather been the one to tell her. Have I really screwed up, being so courteous to my XABF and not preparing behind his back? Too late for that, now what? J

Ambitionica

I just realized that this might sound a little accusing. Not my intention and I apologize if I have offended anyone. I'm not saying it's wrong for everyone (especially those trying to get away from a physically threatening or abusive person), but just doesn't feel right for me and my situation.

Just some clarification.
Thanks! J

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Ambitionica. Welcome to SR! Glad you've found us. Congratulations on your sober time!

I don't know much about codependency issues; I'm sure others will have some thoughts. Your might also find some folks who have been through similar experiences on the boards at: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Really glad you're taking steps to create a safe and healthy environment for yourself and your daughter!

Ambitionica

Thanks for your reply and your congrats, ReadyAndAble!

I have read through some of the posts on the Friends and Family board but have not yet come across someone who is a Stay-at-home-mom and is not married. I'm hoping someone will have some advice on what to do when not legally "entitled" to anything. I will keep reading through the threads and ask that question there.

Thanks for the direction!

Dee74

Hi Ambitionica
congratulations on dealing with your own problem

I have no personal experience to share but you'll find a lot of single moms here who, for whatever reason, have found themselves fending for themselves - my partner was one before I met her - it can be hard but by no means impossible

I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice and support here

D

Ambitionica

Thanks Dee74! I'm scared but ready to take on anything I can in any way I can if that means having more respect for myself and, when she's old enough to understand (hopefully before 30), from my daughter.

I giggle a little looking at my post from an outside perspective.

"A month? Yeah, really 'recovered', aren't you? Mhmm, 'past' issue, sure..."

If only I could put into words the strength of my resolve to never allow myself to go back there again. I finally feel free of those self-imposed chains and the realization that I am the only one I can work on. It's empowering to remember you are a master of only your own domain. Health begets health so my daughter will also reap the positive externalities eventually.

I'll remember to keep looking on the bright side and keep the faith. Thanks again j

Dee74

I'd never say 'only a month' - I think most of us wouldn't
I still remember every day of my early recovery - sounds like you're doing great

D