jobei

So today I went to visit two of my oldest friends... the three of us drank heavily over the years and it was always at the center of everything we did. It's been about four months since I quit drinking and I haven't seen either of them during that time. Today I went over to see them and have a "cookout". They were drinking heavily and no "cooking" was going on... in the past no food would be consumed until blackout time. This was the first thing that frustrated me... I had to constantly ask for them to get the grill going, get condiments, get cups etc etc. It really highlighted how doing shots was the only thing that really mattered. The conversation was labored and boring... with mostly everything just being "remember this time when we were drunk and..." or "those were the good old days..." Hardly any talk about what's going on now... or in the near future. Then as they got drunker it just became incoherant babble and a lot of repetition. At the same time I was tempted more so than I have been in months to drink. Two thoughts helped me get by this... 1. My kid was with me. 2. There wasn't nearly enough alcohol there to satisfy me if I did have a drink. I left polietly and said it was good to see them and all. While I was driving home I did some deep thinking about how my mind was considering drinking so much while I was there and why. It made me depressed... hard to explain it but it did. I've been in many situations with alcohol around me in the last few months but today was really hard. I suppose part of it is I know they won't stop drinking so it pretty much ends us seeing each other. That's not a situation that I want to be in... if not only because it's no fun. There is some carry-over as well... in the last few minutes I find myself questioning my sobriety and generally feeling down. I plan to just sit here and read for a while and calm my mind down. Anyway thanks for listening and any advice/support would be greatly appreciated... I feel a bit better after writing this down...

Anna

Jobei, it sounds like it was a pivotal meeting with your friends and it opened up a lot of emotion. You saw that the relationships that you had valued were not so good now, and in fact they were detrimental to your recovery. It sounds like you know you need to move on from those friends and of course, it's sad, but you're doing the right thing. It's not surprising that you're questioning your own path right now and wondering about the choice you've made. But, I'm sure you know in your heart that you are in the right place.

artsoul

You got through a huge challenge..... After 2+ years of sobriety I still turn down some invitations because, just as you said, there's not a whole lot there for me if everyone's focused on drinking.

Maybe you're going through a little grieving about not feeling a part of the old group...... I'd probably have felt the same way, but I guess that a part of it - we have to let go of some things in order for something better to take its place.

Thanks for the post - you brought up some things for me I hadn't really thought about.

Nirvana1

I was just around old friends who were doing a lot of "social" drinking too yesterday. It was also a hard day because they were seemingly having a lot of fun, but the reality for me is that I was able to think through the drink and realize how much it would cost to try and have "just one night of fun". I've made the choice to not drink and have seen the long term benefits of sobriety, and thank God that He helps me get through the hard times. You did really well noticing how brutal drinkers can be and many of us had a tough time during the 4th of July.

LoftyIdeals

Wow, jobei...this must've been old friends weekend. A lot of that going on. My old friend blew me off upon his return to town to hang out with the drinking crowd. Now I can consider him my old friend in a truer sense than before. It hurt, but I'm sure it was for the good.

I've also had experiences like yours. They hurt too, coming to the realization that the end of those relationships is at hand.

Glad you didn't drink. Well done.

duane1

I hung out with an old drinking friend a week ago for the first time since quitting. Even though he was ok with me not drinking, I just felt uncomfortable. Part of quitting is that some of your old friends aren't going to be part of your new journey. Good luck to you and congratulation on withstanding the temptation.

debsam

Jobei,

I was part of a "threesome" where drinking was one of the things we did best. Those crazy up until 4am sessios don't happen anymore....at least not for two of the three.

My friendship with one of them has stood the test of friendship in that it's stronger than ever without alcohol. She will have a glass of wine....but that's it....we have real quality time together.

Now, my other friend....well I now see the old me in her. She heads home when the three of us are together, about 7pm. You know why? It's because she has lost her drinking partners...so she goes home and drinks by herself (or with her AH).

Life is full of shifts and changes, and sometimes it can hurt a little. But I know one thing for sure, my sobriety will get me through it.

Just wanted to add my two cents...you're not alone in these feelings.

Big hugs Jobei

jobei

Thanks for the kind words everyone... it really helped me tonight!

IndaMiricale

Well done, thank you for the post. Stay on the beam.

hypochondriac

Sorry you had a tough day Jobei :ghug3

I avoided a social occasion very recently, the kind I would normally have loved in my drinking days. The kind where the whole focus is on drinking as much as possible and generally just being out there and having 'fun'. I loved nights like that because it was the only time I got to drink as much as I wanted to on a social occasion.

I felt bad for not going and a little sad, like maybe I'll never be able to have 'fun' again. It's things like that which make us question our sobriety. But really it is just the focus. I'm actually fully capable of having fun with these people on other occasions, just so long as it isn't the drunken ones, cos lets face it, drunk people are just annoying! Some people I will now only be meeting up with in the day time for coffee and for a very short period of time.

Well done on getting through another tough day sober x

AndreTT

this is happening to me often...I meet friends and we dont have anything to talk about other than "remember when this and that happened"..."those were the good old days"...etc, etc...
maybe I'm a little codependent on them because I feel bad about just "dumping" them

Steve07

Congrats on staying strong!

Live2Run25

Congrats! You did a very great thing by staying strong. It sounds like a good thing you got sober. These people have nothing to do but get wasted. proud of you!!

onlythetruth

Yes, this part of quitting can be hard. The old "friends" who turn out not to be friends at all, just drinking companions. It's really painful to realize that a relationship, sometimes a long one, was based on nothing more than ingesting chemicals.

It's okay to feel sad about this. Very normal at this point.

jobei

Yea I guess part of it is that I really considered these two to be real friends... not just drinking buddies as our friendships go back long before we were alcoholic. I have many drinking buddies that I don't see anymore at all... I suppose I thought this would be different. While I won't shut them out I certainly won't go hang out with them while they are drinking again. It wasn't a healthy feeling being there. Perhaps someday they will seek sobriety and our friendships can be renewed.

jsch

Hey, good job on making through. It's sad to drift away from friends but it is part of the process as I have found out. When I got sober I thought some others would change as well- shows you how big my ego was/is. It made me sad to see others still struggle while I got better. But I have to let things take their course and focus on my recovery.
At the least you saw those activities for what they were. Shallow conversation, and a focus on drinking. Not to mention a loss of self respect and digninity. In soberiety I have deeper relationships and more genuine conversation. That is a blessing. I thought I had those things in my drinking life but clear eyes have have shown me that it was an illusion. Take it easy.

icanwin

Jobei you know it happens to me SO MUCH. And you know why? Cause SOMETIMES I have a distorted memory of the "good old days". I might remember some laughter with friends but I don't remember the full story. The good old days are like the one you have just seen: BORING!

The full story sees me going home miserable and alone if I was lucky. And miserable and in company if I was less lucky (cause I could feel completely depressed for a full day, the day after, after realising what was my company in the morning).

I now think and say:"Are these people (drunk every weekend) truly happy?" Well if I close my eyes and I see their expressions I can only see loneliness and sadness.

You drink when life is not exciting enough! When you want to modify the reality around you. And also I have learnt from SR: "Real fun is ALWAYS without alcohol. Cause it's not fun if you have to weak up in the afternoon and feel like a loser!"

Did it ever happen to you...you are in bed, maybe it's 1 or 2 PM, and don't want to get up cause you are ashamed of yourself? Is that REAL fun?

Another day without a drink. Another day of a successful man!
Success is the good you beating the bad you. Period!